Married 34 years. 20 years ago she had a 2 year affair with

Married 34 years. 20 years ago she had a 2 year affair with a guy in another state, so they only got together in person twice, but talked a lot on the phone. She regretted it, stopped it, but didn't confess until maybe 6 or 7 years later. Said she was so very sorry. Then 10 years ago (a few years after her confession), I caught her sex chatting on the computer in an online game. This time playing out lesbian fantasies. Of course I felt betrayed again, but she said it was different because it was gay. She had been doing it for a few months, masturbating online. Said she worried if she told me about her lesbian fantasies that I'd reject her. But I'm the one feeling rejected. Stayed through it all partly for the kids (grown now), partly because she was so sorry, partly because I'm religious and wanted to be forgiving and wanted to do the right thing and live up to the expectations of the church, partly because it didn't seem like it would ease my pain to leave, partly who knows--just easier to stay and hope it gets better. It still hurts--a lot. She recently hid something about our finances (she runs them) because she was embarrassed. When I found out I felt stung again and it's brought it all back. It's made me question whether I was right to stay then and question whether I ought to stay now. I never got counseling, but now I've started with a psychologist. Hoping that will help. Reaching out here too in the same hope. I don't want to discount the value of 34 years of life together. But I don't want to just stay because it's been so long. I thought time itself would do more healing, but now I'm guessing I need to put more work into it.

1 Heart

Even the financial betrayal is still a betrayal, and with the history it must be very difficult. I've discovered that any and every lie is a betrayal after infidelity.
Counseling will help; she should also go to counseling. Couples therapy would probably be beneficial. She needs to figure out why she feels the need to lie.

2 Hearts

I agree with skhc. Get to the root of the lying. If your wife hides things, you won't believe anything she says.

One thing my wife and I have talked about is how we were raised. My parents taught me that being honest and owning up to my mistakes, immediately, was better than lying and covering it up. While I'd still be punished, my parents showed appreciation for my honesty. My wife learned that lying about her actions was better because being honest and open yielded the same punishment as if she'd lied and tried to hide the truth. This was not the reason my wife had her affair but it is the reason she found it so easy to cover it up and lie about it. We've talked a lot about this in counseling.

1 Heart

@LongTimeHurtGuy Welcome to SG! You will meet many wonderful people here, fondly called SG friends. The bottom of the page is a FAQ, it will assist you in navigating the site. The top right off this page are numerous groups, also there is a Support Someone icon, familarized yourself with them. You may join as many groups as necessary. There is an Infidelity group. SG friends are here, to support, and be supported. Be strong the best is yet, to follow......

1 Heart

It feels good to receive such quick and thoughtful replies. It's nice to already have some things to think about. Thank you.

3 Hearts

@LongTimeHurtGuy I am sorry for your suffering over so many years. I hope you do get in therapy. if it is with a good therapist, it should help you heal. This group is very supportive and helpful too. Even if it is just to vent, chances are someone out here can relate. It feels good to not feel so alone in your heartbreak. Peace, healing and strength for you.

You should probably leave her

This is so difficult. Your feelings are important. I am so sorry for all the pain she has caused. Please take care of yourself. Hope the counseling helps. Sending you hope, strength, hugs. God's peace.

2 Hearts

From Romantic Relationships to Cheating & Infidelity