Hi all. I am married to an internet gamer addict. We've been married for 7 years now and since the beginning it's been one freaking game or another. It started with simple car games and mission games, then he discovered WOW. And WOW, did our marriage go down the crapper! That was a few years of hell. Next, he moved on to 2nd Life. That almost destroyed our marriage (along with other things that come from his living, eating and breathing those freaking games!) He had stopped for a whole 2-3 months, but has been back on both incessantly. We went through marriage counseling at one point in time, and the therapist actually told him it was healthy that in SL he chose to be a human and have a pretty similar life to the one he has now, but that he might want to cut down a bit. A BIT? From the moment he gets home from work, to the moment he goes to sleep (which is usually in the AM), to the moment he wakes up on weekends or mornings when he has time, he's playing a game, whether it be on his computer or his iPhone. I don't know what to do anymore. Any ideas???
ForestChild, I am so sorry for what you are going through with your husband. Does he show any signs of caring about what his gaming is going to your marriage? Does he show signs of wanting to change? As well, would he consider attending therapy on his own to work through this? Maybe a different therapist than the one you two saw together, because clearly cutting back a bit doesn't cut it.
My condolences for having to suffer through something like this..Often, addicts refuse to acknowledge that their behavior is hurting their loved ones. My idea is to just confront him about it, especially if you haven't already..let him know how much the games are hurting his life and marriage, because you can't force him to stop, he must choose it.
Thank you both for your support. This has been going on for 7+ years now. I have told him over and over, both on my own and in therapy. He does not believe he has a problem. He has a lot of responsibility in his professional life and feels that he's entitled to his escape when he comes home. I've told him time and time again, that all I ask if for 1 hour of dedicated time and attention a day, and then he can go and play. He tried this for a short time, but as there are times when I too come home from work late, and have too much to do in the house to prepare for the next day (cooking, dishes, or maybe even work of my own) that there have been times when I told him we don't need to sit today. Well, that was like giving him a get out of jail free card which he uses for life now. Even in therapy he would not admit to the amount of time he spends on the computer. He came out of marriage counseling thinking that he was 100% in the right and I was the one who needed private sessions (since our therapist asked in front of him if I wanted to come privately). So, in his mind he was validated and that is that. I try to show him overjoyous happiness whenever he says he'll turn off the game or come sit with me for a while instead of playing, and he just laughs. Like I'm being silly or something. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at my whits end!
ForestChild, I feel that you have tried anything and everything to try to make this work. Are you ready to take more drastic measures at this stage, such as walking away? Relationships are a two-way street and this is clearly one-way; you seem to be the only one doing anything. He should want to spend time with you and do things together, you should be his happiness and escape, not his game. I know that you know all of this, but you don't deserve this type of behavior. If he's so in love with his game then I think that he should be in a relationship with it. And, you need to move on to a more fulfilling life. Is this something that you are willing to do at this time? Maybe even a trial separation just to see if he'll snap out of this.
Actually, we nearly divorced this past year. We had told our families, I gave my wedding band back to him, I spoke to my father about helping me financially move back to the states, the whole 9 yards. But, being that close to leaving him made me realize that I really don't. I just want to have more of his attention. So, I'm trying a different approach. Rather than waiting for him to stop and come spend time with me, I let him know when I want him to spend time. I ask nicely, get more of a sad, disappointed sound when he refuses or tells me to wait an hour, rather than getting angry like I used to. And I think I'm getting a better response. Last night, for example, I came home from work to find him on the computer game (of course), and I put my stuff down and did a couple of things, then asked him to some sit with me for a little while. He told me to wait an hour, I got that sad/disappointed sound and told him to forget it because I wanted to go to sleep then (I got home late last night from work). And so I grabbed a snack and sat on the couch watching tv. Well, would you believe that in 10 minutes time he came over and sat with me. We chatted and he stayed for about 15 minutes until some bell started ringing in his game and he ran back. I didn't say anything about him going back to the game, cuz he gave me what I asked for. It's all about baby steps, isn't it? I personally see that as progress.
And when hearing the situation be described from an angry person, you get a cloudy, one sided view of the situation. I know that he loves me. He is extremely affectionate and caring when he's off the game. I just need to figure out ways to get him off more often. Sometimes it will work, sometimes it won't. But half the time is better than none of the time, no?
Thank you so much for caring enough to share your opinions with me though. I truly appreciate it! I also hope that you are doing well and that you are venting and letting others help you the way that you try to help us!!
Big hug!!
ForestChild, thank you so much for the wonderful update. I am so happy for you and so proud of you for taking such a positive and peaceful approach with your husband. You are so right, it's all about baby steps. And, I do believe that the more calm approach is the better way to go. I feel that most people shut down when being yelled at or reprimanded. I was raised with parents who never ever yelled, they always asked and explained why. I have tried to apply this to my life and my relationships, and find that it's so much more effective.
I am so happy to hear that he came down after 10 short minutes. That seems like a huge step in the right direction for the two of you. Keep on this path, and please keep sharing, we are always here for you.
:) Thank you!! I'm trying and giving him some slack as well.
Hope you're doing well!
That's so great! Let me know how things continue to progress for the two of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
One thing I may suggest is if he still plays WOW get your own character and meet him in his WOW world an tell him how you feel in the game.