Me and my girlfriend

We've been together for about 4 years this October. When we first met, everything was great. She was the light in my life. I loved her more than anything in this world. When I found out that she had a kid, that she didn't tell me and just surprised me one day with was really hard to take in, mostly because we were only 16 going on 17. EVERY one told me to leave her, that it was a mistake, to just be friends. Well obviously I didn't. A few months later she told me that she was pregnant again. I knew it wasn't mine because we haven't had sex at that point yet. I was fine with her being pregnant by someone else because I know she was pregnant when we met after she told me how many months along she was. The father of both children and I were fighting because I "took" his girl from him. I had no idea that she was still in a relationship when we met. If I would've known I would not have said anything to her. So after about almost a year of fighting with this guy, he ended up in jail for a couple of things, including some charges that I filed against him. I told him that I will drop the charges if he agrees to leave me alone, and so this way he will be able to be with his newly born daughter. He agreed and some how we became pretty good friends. Me and my girlfriend moved in with each other and now somehow the father of the kids has turned into a third wheel. And now, I can't seem to love my girlfriend the way I used to. I know that she knows because she keeps telling me she can feel that the love isn't there anymore. I don't know what to do. I know relationships have to be a give and take, but all I seem to be doing is giving and all she does is take. She sometimes cleans and maybe once a week will cook. She doesn't have a highschool diploma or a ged or a job. All she does is sit at home with her son, the father has the daughter. My family keeps telling me that I am making a mistake not breaking up with her, that I'm ruining my life, but I just keep telling them that it will get better. She keeps promising me that she will get her GED or at least a parttime job, but nothing every happens. I know she loves me just by the way she looks at me, and I don't want to hurt her by leaving her, because she has no where to go. Her mother doesn't want her and she doesn't want to live with her kids' father. She keeps talking about marriage and kids, and I'm just like not now, later, later, later. I'm so confused on what to do.....should I leave her? Stay with her? I don't know. I have thought about leaving in the middle of the night and suicide as an option to get away. But I know I will do more damage that way. Any advice will help. Thank you in advance.

Aurszenyi, thank you for sharing your story. You are such an incredible person, wow. In reading through your post, you are so incredibly selfless and continually give to others and make sure that everyone else is ok above yourself. That is such an amazing quality to have, though I just want to make sure that your girlfriend is not taking advantage of your kindness and giving nature. I am sure that she love you, but she also needs to step up and start contributing so that you two have a partnership.

Ask yourself; if she gets her GED, and then a job, will this change how you feel about her? The fact that you want to escape in the middle of the night or have even contemplated suicide, is really telling. This is showing that you really want out. Also, is your family seeing things clearly and seeing your misery in all of this, thus being super protective. They only want the very best for you. In all of my experience, any time I was in a bad relationship [that I didn't see clearly at the time], my parents were always right in the end. They were always right in suggesting that I leave the guy because he wasn't good for me, but it took me a while to realize it myself.

We are all responsible for ourselves as adults and your girlfriend has a father of her children who should step up and take full responsibility for caring for them. And, she should step up and make a life that can support her family. This is really not your responsibility. Your responsibility lied with her because you truly loved her, but if that is gone then you need to move on and start living life for you. It is time for you to focus on yourself for once and start to really working towards your incredibly bright future. That's just my suggestion. I am here to help support you in any way that I can and hope we can help you work through this.

Wishing you all of the very best and sending you tons of good happy positive energy!

I mean, if she really stepped up and got a job and a GED, my views would deffinately change. I think the reason that I am falling out of love with her is because I’m the only one that is doing most of the work. My family from day 1 has told me to leave her, that it is not a good idea if we get together. And they were absolutely right. I don’t know how to get through to her. I have given her ultimatums, telling her that she has a month to sign up for GED classes or get a job or we’re done. And then she would start a class or two and apply to a couple places for a job but that would be it. I have asked her to leave a few times and it’s always the same thing. “I promise I’ll find a job or get my GED…” so on and so forth. I’m just getting tired of trying. I do not want to blame her for my drug addiction because she helped me get clean off crack but now I have been taking percocets every day so I am not in a bad mood whenever I am home. I just don’t know how to end a relationship that’s 4 years old. I think that hardest part is that we have lived together since the third month of our relationship. There are alot of good memories but yet also alot of bad ones from our relationship. I don’t know how to break up with her so that I won’t hurt her. I guess the only question I have is: how do you leave someone that you have spent nearly every single day with for the past 4 years?

I understand that you have a very difficult decision to make and it is never easy to end a relationship. You have to know that each and every day of your life is precious, and you deserve to have happiness. The bottom line is that you really gave this relationship so many opportunities to work, and that's incredibly commendable. You should be so proud of yourself in that you tried, tried, and tried so hard from the goodness of your heart to make this work, but there are times when it really is healthier for everyone to move on with their lives separately. Of course she will be hurt, but she will heal with time. In a way, she did this to herself, because you gave her all of the opportunities in the world to get her GED and a job, you gave her ultimatums over the course of your relationship and she never took them seriously enough to follow through.

Maybe distance will help both of you gain perspective. Can you move out for a short while to really clear your mind and maybe that will push her to really take action. I just don't want to see you continually going on a roller coaster with her unless she is really serious about making a change.

That’s true. I have given her plenty of chances and if she doesn’t want to at least TRY then I have to stop trying. I could probably talk to my grandmother and see if I can move in with her for a couple weeks or something and maybe this will be an eye opener. And if she leaves because I gave her a chance not just to help me financially by getting a job but to help herself as well then…I think I do have to call it quits. I think I’m going to take this weekend to take a good hard look at this relationship from the OUTSIDE and make a decision where I want to go with it.

That's so great Aurszenyi and such a healthy way to move forward. You're not doing anything extreme or harsh, but taking baby steps to see if going your separate ways is the best thing to do. And I believe that a bit of distance will do a ton of good, you'll see things from a different perspective. When you're in it too close, sometimes you can't see things clearly.

As well, it takes two people to make a relationship work. Both sides have to make an effort and really try for the relationship every step of the way. I have been in a relationship that felt like I was lugging a ton of dead weight all on my own. He had no drive, no ambition, no job, and I continually helped, was the bread winner, and gave him ultimatum after ultimatum. Nothing worked. I tried positive reinforcement, ultimatums, moving out. Absolutely nothing made a difference. Then, it was time to take my own life into my hands and move forward. So, I left him and I've never looked back once. It was the best thing that I could have ever done for myself. If I hadn't done that then I would be in such a different and miserable place in my life.

Please keep me up to date and let me know how things are progressing. Wishing you all of the very best this weekend.

It's so hard to be in a relationship where things are so one sided. You are putting in a lot of effort, Lost in BPT, and if your girlfriend is not reciprocating, it's totally understandable that you are feeling drained. Please, don't consider suicide! It is so permanent and your situation is definitely temporary!

Taking a break from the relationship will help her realize what she is in danger of losing. It may also help you realize what you stand to gain. Breaking away from someone that you love is very hard. So many people tell me I should leave my boyfriend too. You have to do it when you're ready, but sometimes you have to help yourself get ready.

If you two are truly meant to be together you will both find a way to make it work. If she isn't willing to work at it just as hard as you, then she probably isn't as committed to it and then you need to move on, for yourself.

Good Luck!!

It sounds like your girlfriend is very lucky to have you. I hope that this trial separation did the trick.

She is definately very lucky to have you by her side. Sometimes though, women get too comfortable. She probably thinks that your threats to leave her are not ligit. I would recommend trying to keep your communication the best that you can. Try to look up locally what your community has for free counseling. Sometimes, going to a church, and sitting down together with a pastor for an hour will make a huge difference. Anyone who is qualified to be a 3rd party to sit down so you both can talk it out. If not then possibly trial separation. It shows her that you are serious, and may cause her to change. I wish you the best of luck!

It sounds like you guys should go to couple's counseling. You need a non biased third party to hear both sides and they could give you exercises to do. It doesn't sound like she is a bad person. She sounds overwhelmed, and stuck. She may have a greater emotional problem. Laziness and not being motivated are often symptoms of greater things. Now, you can tell her you will leave if you don't go to counseling together because you want things better and then she will at least know that you are committed to her. But she might be thinking "if he doesn't love me, how can I care about the clothes all over the floor, my life is over" you know, things like that. I don't know, I am not her. And not to play devil's advocate, but you've talked a lot about all of your sacrifices. Do you do this with her? You may be trying to show her that you have done a lot for her to prove how much you have loved her but she may be taking it as "he views me as a burden, how can anyone love a burden?" and she may get defensive. Maybe you can start by telling her how much you appreciate her and pointing out the things she does for you, even if it's just the way she smiles or the friendship she gives. She'll start feeling encouraged and motivated. If you go to couple's counseling, you'd be surprised at how much that can help and even though the spark is gone now, it doesn't mean it can't come back. It's normal for the spark to disappear when troubles appear. Working through those problems is what makes relationships stronger.