ME: Hi- is there anyone out there? A loved one that passed?

ME: Hi- is there anyone out there? A loved one that passed? An angel of some sort?
SILENCE...
ME: okay- no answer, that was expected. well if there is anyone around can you take a question to G-D for me. Please ask Him why did he hate me so much to let me go and put me down here where I dont belong. Can you ask Him what I did so wrong to deserve such pain. Ask Him why He forgot me and left me here to wither away.
SILENCE....
ME: I get it- no answer. Dont you think it is time I get some sort of answer. I have been asking to come back to Him since I was 5 years old- That was 18 years ago. Was He even there when I made that birthday wish. What about when I was 6 still wishing that and even writing it down hoping an angel, a bird, anything would come and bring that note filled with pain to Him- did He ever see that note? What about when I started burning myself at age six or bruising at 8 or cutting at 10. Did He watch me bite myself till I bled when I was 7? Did He notice me when I was having anxiety and panic attacks at night? Why didnt He send a savior when I was being molested and abused by my pediatrician or hit by my parents or bullied by my teachers? Where was He when doctors experimented on me and changed my insides damaged nothings- when they ruined my metabolism, secretly gave me steroids and made me into a 350 lb laughing stock and embarrassment for all who knew me and myself, or all the times they misdiagnosed me and told me it was all in my head until I ended up in the hospital with fatal infections (once leaking behind my eye into my brain). Does HE know I am still trying to correct those mistakes. Does He know I have scars from those infections. I am still working of that weight from the steroids. I am still trying to speed up my metabolism. I am still having a hard time trusting anything a doctor says or gives me- mostly resulting in no help at all. Does He know I am still embarrassed to walk out of my bedroom because I am to ashamed of what I look like. Does He know that I still feel like that kid who couldnt fit through the aisle on a school bus and had to go out in public and humiliate herself everyday even though I lost over half that weight. Does He know I get told all the time I should be anorexically skinny and that looking the way I do is going against my family and hurting them. Does he know that my anxiety about waking up in the morning is so strong that falling asleep terrifies me?
SILENCE....
ME: once again I'll take that as a no. He doesnt know any of that. Why would He. He put me on earth and left me to fend for myself knowing I am not good enough to be up there with Him and the rest of the Happiness. You could tell Him- but I doubt He would even know who you are talking about. The only part He probably remembers about me is the happy feeling He get when He made me leave his side.
SILENCE.....
ME: Okay, I am talking to myself again. Do I feel better- no. was it productive- no. Did I gain anything, a perspective? a relieved heart? - no. Nothing. I am still hurt. I am still in a constant world of physical pain, emotional pain, depression, anxiety, panic, paranoia, self doubt, embarrassment, self loathing, loneliness, and more. I will never be free.

I hope you get the support you need, we are here for you.