my whole life I've had horrible self esteem. Started drinking at the age of 14 and lost my virginity the same night to two guys. I don't think I'm good enough for any guy I've ever dated but still liked them enough to try to hold on to it until I have sex with them and they do the guy thing and stop trying. I automatically think they aren't interested anymore and stress myself over the fact. I then either write or tell them things that I need to say to them about how they act but only after I've gotten drunk. I won't do it sober, because sober I don't want to piss anyone off or make anyone hate me. I care too much about what people think of me. Especially a guy I really like and if I screw things up when I'm drinking, instead of calling him when sober and apologizing, I write him an e-mail or don't do anything and just let it go. I've lent friends money and tried to get it back but it obviously ruined our friendship so it had to go to the uncomfortable side where I had to ask for my money. It got to the point where it was causing arguments and I don't like confrontation so I just let it go. Then I would get drunk and it would come out. I've let people walk all over me and I don't think a whole lot of myself. the reason I think I'm selfish is though...I've got a lot going on with me. Just found out I've got a benign tumor in my right ear canal and I like telling people about it so that they worry. I like the attention. it's sick! I've also got a messed up lung that I'm going to see a pulmonologist about this week and also developing arthritis so I'm also seeing a rheumatologist. All of this makes me feel sorry for myself but the tumor thing kind of made me a little happy. I can't die from it...the worst thing that can happen is I'll lose my hearing and possibly paralyze half my face, but the attention I'm going to get from it thrills me! That makes me sick! I would be miserable if I lost my hearing, even if it's just in one ear. I love listening to music and if that was taken from me I would slowly die even more inside. I'm a mess! Inside and out and I don't know what to do yet!
Welcome, am glad your aware of what your creating for yourself in life. I use to do that too when I was younger in reference to the men portion you described & had to learn from within & find answers as to WHY, its a long process, have you ever sought counseling/therapy if affordable to begin to deal with what your doing???????? Would be wise to do so.
April
Hey April! Thanks for commenting! I actually tried to seek help not too long ago. It's a program through our company at work so I called and had to talk to like the receptionist first and tell her my problems and I kinda felt like she didn't think my problems were all that bad but said she would get me an appointment with the doc. Then they canceled and said she would have him call me around a certain time. So I waited and I was really nervous about the phone call because I've never talked to any kind of counselor before and I was feeling like my problems were petty and so I just wasn't sure what I was going to say. He never ended up calling that night so I was relieved but he called a couple days later when I was at work so I didn't answer the phone and I never did call him back.
OK, so you never got anywhere or followed through, thats your decision & will probably continue on the same pattern til your ready to stop getting attention in that form but rather good attention for how wonderful you are as a person & for all your accomplishments & morales & values to be a more productive/purposeful person in life that others will be sucked in by your uplifting spirit & qualities.....hummmmmm...just a thought & glad your talking it through here then.
Hi Stuffins84, thank you so much for sharing your story and for being so open and honest about what's going on in your life; that's a huge step in the right direction. You are so self aware of everything and not in denial about anything, which is really amazing. I think that it's all about working through these self-esteem issues and knowing that you only deserve the utmost in life and from people.
I also think that so many of us can relate to you; I used to do the same thing with drinking in during my hay-day and my former best friend would keep everything pent up and unleash when she was drunk. It was very difficult to deal with. I know that she had incredibly low self-esteem and it ended up being the demise of our friendship which is so incredibly sad.
Please keep sharing with us and we'll help you as best as possible.
thanks for your comment again April! yes, you're right, when I stop being a chicken **** and actually try to get help, I will probably feel better. The thought of talking to a complete stranger face to face about my problems just scares me. :( I know I need to get over that fear and do it.
Thanks puppydoglvr for commenting also. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that takes my issues out on people when I'm drunk. None of my friends have ever done it so was feeling like a loner. I too have lost friends through it which is probably a good part of my loneliness and depression. I've thought about AA and all most went once but I talked myself out of it because I'm not totally sure I'm an alcoholic because it's not like I drink every night. I can go without it. And the thought that I would have to stand up in room full of people and talk. I'm just a chicken ****!
Stuffins84, if you really don't think that you have a drinking problem, then maybe consider taking a break from drinking. When I was in my 20s I used to get intoxicated every time I went out, though I was never a mean drunk, but like I mentioned my best friend at the time was really mean and belligerent. I tried to get her to slow down and told her that I would slow down with her, meaning that we would only drink once per week and only have one or two cocktails. I also implemented taking breaks to drink water when I was out. Somehow, I completely slowed down and realized that going out and getting drunk was not fun and didn't evolve to anything good. I changed but my friend unfortunately didn't and it ended our friendship. Be the one who does change; take a break, slow down all together and notice a huge change in your life overall.
Alot of times one keeps themselves STUCK (safe in their mind or as you called it chicken ****) in life by not putting themselves out there due to fear of making mistakes or be vulnerable so they continue creating the same outcome daily through their life. You're reaching out & that says something about you as that IS a very big step in the right direction, again I admire you for that & you'll do WHAT you're gonna DO when your ready, thats all you can ask of yourself.
Take care of you.
April
April, those are wonderful words of wisdom that I believe can translate to so many of us that are feeling stuck and stagnate. You really helped me because I've been feeling stagnate and I know that it's because I am scared of feeling vulnerable by putting myself out there. Brilliant words of encouragement. I can't thank you enough.