This has been playing on my mind a little and I'd like to see what you all think about this.
As a 27-year old single woman...in a new city, I've been on a couple of dates recently and as it happens, I have one coming up this weekend. Thankfully, my dates have so far involved having a few drinks (perriers!) and if the man asks if I've eaten, I usually say yes.
I been having some lovely evenings but I'm always aware that my ED is going to be 'figured out' by the man if I see them again. If I am asked to dinner, I either refuse (which clearly can't be repeatedly done!) or agree and carefully make allowances for this before and afterwards but obviously, this can't continue in the longterm and I'm wondering how and at what point a 27-year old woman informs a new boyfriend of her ED and if I should at all and wait for him to find out. I imagine it would be quite the 'turn off' and I feel it's far too personal to explain in initial meetings.
I could always get away with it with previous boyfriends with a fat free diet as I was just seen as a woman watching her figure...this is more 'acceptable' in France (even for a skinny woman!) than it might be back home. But things have got so much worse for me and I don't think I could cope with suddenly being thrown into a full-time eating schedule - I'm not even sure that my body could digest a normal eating pattern.
Oh-la-la, I am so glad you have written this post. I'm 28, single, and I TOTALLY get where you're coming from. I have had the same struggles you have had, and I always felt like my dates were staring at me, thinking all these things, and judging me. The thing is, they just met you, and the only way they will know anything about you is if you tell them. They can look at your body, your eating habits, and your behavior and make all the assumptions they want, but you get total control over who knows what. And maybe you'll feel comfortable saying something, maybe he will prove to be your biggest supporter, or maybe you won't be feeling it and will choose to say nothing. Either way, it's your decision.
If you don't enjoy restaurants, I encourage you to speak up and say so. "Hey John, I do not enjoy dinner dates, could we ________ instead?" Put yourself on the map and choose another activity. There are so many options: miniature golf, movies, performances, museums, walks, coffee dates, etc. Saying how you feel and asking for what you want is important, so make it important in your dates, too. The guy will probably be thrilled that you have come up with some ideas!
Hi...I agree with Miss Heather, but I also want to ask if you are working on recovery? You speak of the situation as one that will be like this forever. It doesn't have to be. If you are working to recover, you can eventually plan to engage in these activities. If you are at a standstill, perhaps you might want to ask yourself if this is truly how you want to live your life?
What you choose to share with others in your life is your choice, but you are not likely to have any honest or meaningful relationships if you don't get professional help to move forward and away from the eating disorder.
I am interested to hear more about what you see for yourself, long term? Wishing you well...take care...Jan ♥
Miss Heather: I'm so relieved that you know where I'm coming from here! Although the thought of eating in a restaurant sends me into a panic, I'm aware that I used to enjoy the experience with previous boyfriends, even though I always limited it to an occasional treat, I enjoyed it all the same. I wish I could get back to this frame of mind. I'm already panicking about my date this weekend - it's in the evening and I know that I won't be able to get away with ordering perriers all evening, I'll have to consume some alcohol which I also feel the need to make 'allowances' for. I really like that you've written about other possbilities of things to do - I think I've been so worried about the 'restaurant experience' that I'd almost forgotten about other options!!!
Jan: I know, you're right about my current attitude to recovery. My mind changes almost every few days in regards to this. One minute, I can see I have a problem and start to think about how to put it right. Then I can't face this problem because I feel unable to find a solution so I go back to telling myself that it's not a problem and continue. In the longterm I see myself as leading a healthier lifestyle but I can't seem to see how to get there at the moment.
Recently, my energy levels were alarmingly low, I tried to consume a little protein to give myself some energy which actually worked but to be honest, I haven't really felt the same since this slump in energy. I don't have health insurance at the moment. I start a new job in a few months and I wanted to wait until I had a steady income before getting the insurance.
Thank you for sharing. You could look into the possibility of a therapist who could base fees on a sliding scale, according to your income. I hope you get help. You have the possibility of an amazing future, but not with the ED.
Take care…HUGS…Jan
Hey getting out there and dating isn't easy but don't freak out over this dilemma. I really don't like having alot of diner dates and will recommend doing an activity as either playing pool,museum, bowling,movies, roller blading, horse back riding you get the idea. That way the two of you are engaged in doing something you both have an interest in or are learning something new and are having fun with it. Dates are suppose to be fun, any secrets i would divulge to someone would be my decision whether or not i thought this relationship was going anywhere. I personally think some things are meant for those whom we decide are serious and we want them to know us completely before we get further into the relationship. Others well if you're not sure where this is headed then maybe blabbing your life story to someone isn't well good in the beginning.But again it's your decision, and in knowing that you won't be wrong in either deciding to tell him now or to wait and see where things go and then tell him. It's up to you. Know that someone no matter what your dilemma is in life there are people out there willing to accept you completely no matter what and you'll accept them fully too. That's who you want to be with. SOmeone whom loves all of you and your vices.
Ah... Dating dilemas... Yes, fear of others "finding out" about our eating disorders can complicate things. But that, I believe, is still about shame... I have shared my ED with a few people in my life, but hold back from sharing it with the vast majority. I think in some ways I'm holding on to some shame, too. But I may also be using this fear to stop me from dating, which is scary in its own right. :P Ugh... Anyway... With the shame... It sounds like you are really on the verge of accepting your own eating disorder. The next step is to begin to fight it. :) When you do, when you realize that you can live a full LIFE without your ED, some of the shame will start to fall away. ♥ I agree that it's important to share this information with those that would become close. As hard as that is to do... :)
