Hi, all. Throughout much of my adult life, my childhood memories have been fragmented. This is due to emotional trauma. I typically have a very good memory. No history of drug or alcohol abuse. Haven't even been on prescription drugs. Over the last decade, I've made progress learning to cope with and heal from some of these traumas. But as I make progress, I recover more of my memory only to realize more trauma that I didn't even realize was there. I'm often able to corroborate these events.
A couple of years ago, I started to have playing in my head bits and pieces of scenes of someone touching me inappropriately, mostly during my preschool years. Over time, more details were added and I recognized the person who was doing this as my grandfather. To this day, the details are hazy. I'm not real keen on probing it.
I'm not sure if this is a legitimate recollection or some kind of bizzare fiction of my imagination. I badly want to believe it's the later. My sister and my cousin have both told me separately that our grandfather had acted inappropriately with them. I have very clear memories from my late teens of him trying to sexually touch me but, at that time, he was on a bad combination of meds for Parkinson's. We later learned they were making him psychotic.
My grandfather passed away about 15 years ago so I'm not concerned about preventing future abuse. My memory is so spotty, I don't know if this is real or imagined. If it is imagined, I don't want to wrongly suggest that this is a part of his past so I'm reluctant to discuss it with family members aside from my sister.
And if it is imagined, where is this coming from? I definitely have problems such as lack of trust, little to no interest in sex (never really have had much), self-loathing, and poor social skills. Some of this is Aspergers. Some of it can probably be traced to childhood emotional abuse and neglect. So I'm left wondering is this some sort of story my psyche made up, is it a memory, or is it a combination? These visions make me feel awful and I don't even know if they're real.
First let me say how sorry I am about all of the trauma that has been a part of your life. As far as the memories (?) of your grandfather go, I'd be very tempted to say that they are just that, actual memories of abuse. I say this for a couple of reasons.
First, both your sister and your cousin have both told you that your grandfather acted inappropriately with them. And secondly, you admitted that your grandfather tried to touch you sexually when you were in your teens. Now granted, the medications he was on at the time may have contributed to his bizarre behavior, but the idea of trying to molest you was there before the medication came into play based on what your sister and cousin told you.
So I would think the memories your getting back are real and legitimate. Are you in therapy now, Jen? If not, talking with a counselor will really help you deal with and work through these memories. And at least some of the issues you're having with lack of trust, loss of interest in sex, self-loathing, and poor social skills will be related to your grandfather's behaviors. And under it all, there is probably a good deal of guilt and shame. Children always assume that any sexual abuse is their fault. Well I'm here to tell you that that isn't the case at all. Sexual abuse IS NEVER the fault of the child. It IS ALWAYS the fault of the adult. They are the ones who should know better. The child was innocent, the adult is the one who is guilty. So know that there was absolutely nothing that you said or did that brought on your assault. Your grandfather, for whatever reason, thought you'd be an easy target for his abuse. Maybe he believed that because of your Aspergers. We'll never know for sure. But it wasn't your fault!!
I would encourage you to talk with other family members about your memories. If your grandfather molested your sister and cousin, he probably molested others in the family, and talking about what happened to you can only help you. Good luck.
Thanks, Kathy and Charlie. I have a sinking feeling that you're right, Charlie; that these are memories.
I'm not currently in therapy but I'm thinking about starting again. I'm trying to feel out if I'm ready to deal with it.
My husband and I were in marriage counciling last year but thankfully we're no longer at a point where we need that. I told the counselor pretty much what I posted above. The counselor told me there was a good chance that my mother had been abused too (this is her father). She suggested that I tell my mother at least the part from my late teens that I am clear about. But I'm reluctant. One of my mother's quirks is going into denial whenever confronted with an unpleasant circumstance. This denial has already caused me to doubt my own perceptions and deprived me of medical attention growing up. I don't know if I can handle more of it.
As for other family, I'm not close with them. Our generation is just my cousin, my sister, and me. I hardly know my aunts and uncles. My grandmother is severely bi-polar and given to rages so she's a poor candidate. My cousin has been to a much darker place than me and has her hands full right now trying to get her life back on track. Maybe one day I will reach out to her. Don't think I'm ready for it right now, though.
Sorry to hear about your family, but it sounds like you're back on the right track again. When the time is right, you'll get back into therapy to deal with all of this stuff. And let me make a suggestion to you. Not all therapists are the same when it comes to dealing with incest and other sexual trauma. Some are just better than the others. But there a resource that can be very helpful to you in finding a qualified counselor.
The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (www.isst-d.org) was established specifically for survivors such as us. If you'll check out their websites, you'll find a list of their members there, and most of them are therapists. (The ones who aren't therapists are researchers). And all of them have had very specialized training to enable them to work with trauma survivors, including incest survivors. This might be the place for you to start your search for a therapist who can help you with your sexual abuse issues.
Also, in another posting on this site, I talked a bit about some other resources that are available for survivors of incest. Specifically, I'm talking about two different Twelve Step groups, Survivors of Incest Anonymous (www.siawso.org/) and Incest Survivors Anonymous (www.lafn.org/medical/isa/home.html), and a book that might be helpful, "Courage to Heal", by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. I would refer you to that welcoming post to all new group members for more information on each of these resources.
hey jen, charlie is best to advise but i can tell you that therapy was the jump starter for me ......i also got the denial response when i tould my parents about what happened as a child for years....it was oh no not franny, can't imagine! then just an oh. that was about it. hurt to the core are you kidding me...you people were supposed to protect me .....did'nt even talk about it again till i entered aa 7 years later. i'm so sorry jen hopefully we can continue our recovery with charlie at the helm.
When I asked my parents for info about anything traumatic in my past, I received a letter from my mother outlining things she'd done; my father, on the other hand said he'd done nothing and that I was "too sensitive". Everyone thinks of him as "wonderful" and "kind", so I'm left wondering what's true.
One of the problems with trying to verify the past is the Rashomon effect. That is, witnesses recall the same event without impartiality and with different amounts of focus. So there’s always going to be some degeree of distortion. Not that their input is without value. Just need to take it with a grain of salt.
I’m familiar with the “too sensitive” line. That’s usually a red flag. Typically, it means they acknowlege your reaction but they either don’t understand or are in denial about how it affects you. Of course, his comment does not make your pain less real.
Do you have any pics from back then? Report cards with teachers’ or camp counselors’ comments? Most of the time, they don’t provide enough context by themselves but sometimes the details taken together can give you a better picture.
i hate that a family member thinks they have a right to destroy or deny someone a happy life. i mean, why bring us into the world just so they can abuse us. ignoring that something is happening or happened is just as bad as saying its just their imagination. i am five years younger than my sister and it started before i started school. yes, she was abused too, by her godfather and passed it on. that is how i have dealt with it all these years. i rationalized that she did it to me because someone did it to her. but that meanness i didn't imagine, the constantly putting me down, the beating me up when it suited her or just pushing me in the wrong direction was her way of making sure i still felt the pain. its never going to stop. she will always try to hurt me and i hate her so much. i looked up to her and she betrayed me in every sense of the word. i am so angry and i hate them all for not protecting me. even after i told my mom what she was doing, she didn't move me out of the bedroom. she did nothing and i became the hated child. i remember going for a ride to the store and my mom and sister were both drunk, my mom said i wanted to get an abortion but your dad wouldnt let me..then they both laughed hysterically. i remember that and how hurt i was...i was thirteen at that time and just a few months before my thirteenth birthday, she got a bf, she took my innocence with an object saying its better that she does it, it wont hurt as much when i have my first. then it stopped. the sex stopped but then she started to be mean. that is when i started to hang out with older men. they had cars, money and their own home. for a price, i could hang out whenever i wanted. it was better than being at home. then i became the bad child for being so promiscuous and when i went home one day, they both ganged up on me. i remember crouching down in the corner of the kitchen looking for an opening so i could run but my sister caught me by my hair and held me down while my mom slapped me silly. i hit her back, pushed my sister so hard that she flew across the kitchen and ran like hell. this beating was for drinking and not going to school. she was so manipulative and i think she used what happened to her to her advantage, i dont know..i was always pushed to the side or left behind and she was treated better. maybe i should have told more people but it was so shameful. our story came out about a year ago by my ex who told everyone what my sister did to me. i was mortified and when people asked if it was true, i said yes. its kind of funny but i am no longer friends with any of them. the friends who asked me if it was true...they are my sisters friend now. i was so ashamed of what he told everyone and pushed those people away and out of my life. my sister always loved my enemies, if she knew i didn't like someone, then she was their best friend! and it is still going on. if one of her friends liked me 'the little sister' then she would treat them like dirt and if they asked whats wrong, why don't you want to come with us? the answer usually consisted of 'why don't you go ask my sister if she wants to go! and she would treat them like dirt. i learned fast to leave her friends alone. i'm so tired of being hurt by her and wish i could just disappear. i use to wonder why she treated me like less of a person or never revelled in my few accomplishments. i dont get it, why am i the bad one for being molested. why does everyone hate me for being the one who was molested. i cant imagine that my mom told her sisters what my sister was doing to me. my aunts even treat me indifferent, like less of a person. i have enemies that i didnt even know were an enemy but i figured out that my sister would be nice to me, get me to talk about the crap happening in my life and she would twist it all around and tell people i was just one big mistake after mistake. and they believed her. all those horrible things she said about me. why does she want me to be alone so bad for. why cant i be happy. why does she hate me so much. she treated my bf's like dirt..and some of them really were but the good ones she chased away too. i use to enjoy being around my family then one day, i didn't feel like a part of the family. so i stopped going to family things and would make plans so i wouldnt have to be there. i'm so angry with my own godmother who has always supported my sister. i cant even look at them but now they are starting to treat my 16yr old daughter like dirt and she doesnt deserve to be treated like that. my mom has dementia now and i guess my sister doesnt need her as an ally anymore so she took my godmother away from me and left me to take care of my mom. she spent all her money, never paid the bills and she is going to get away with it and nobody will do anything to her. if it were me, i would be in jail by now. she just doesnt care about anyone but herself. i hate her so much that even the sound of her voice gives me a sore stomach. i seen her the other day at a function, i just walked in one door and out the other. i had to pull over and get sick because i was so mad. everyone is treating her like a victim. i left a permanent job and my kids to move home to take care of my mom. now my kids are falling apart without any support, im struggling to pay all the bills she left behind and she is the one getting invited to birthday parties. my sister and my aunt came over one day, took my mom and went to a birthday party. it was my aunts grand daughters birthday and the whole family was there, except me and my daughter, who are here taking care of everything, stressing over it all and all the while, they are up there laughing and having fun! its like .. might as well kick her while she is down. then i have to hear all about the fun party they had from my mom when she got home. im so sick of this, i just want to lay down on the train tracks and wait for a train to end it all for me. i dont get it. she is the alcoholic and crack head who spent all my moms money and they treat her better than me. and get this, now she is telling people she has cancer! poor poor pitiful her!