I just stumbled across this site a few days ago. (not even sure how)
But, I am very glad that I did. It has been very helpful and somewhat comforting to read what others are going through. More and more by the day I feel like I am well on my way to "losing it" maybe I have already lost it and just don't realize it.
I know that Meth AKA The **** devil is most likely the majority of my problem.
I have danced with that devil for a year now. I say that I have tried to quit...but have I?? I am not sure. How do you stop the one thing that makes you feel like you are capable of making it through the day. Everyone that claims to care is either judging me or reminding me how "f***ed" up I am??? REALLY??? I hadn't noticed. thanks for pointing that one out
I know that I hate the woman that is looking back at me in the mirror. I am not sure who I am anymore. I use to smoke the devil to not feel like Donnie for a moment and now I think it is that on top of avoiding the misery of withdrawal..
Most of my friends are either doing it or have never done it so dont understand.
my boyfriend just thinks that making me feel worse about myself and this situation will somehow work. Meetings, treatment and doctors ughhh the idea of all that is just horrific to me. I have tried that and well it makes me feel worse about myself. Its a constant reminder that I have issues.
I am a addict. I got that. I quit one thing and well I will find a replacement. How sick is that? I would love to be sober......if I could do it and be happy. Am I making any sense? I am sorry if I am not....Maybe I need to continue to look for the group for ppl that are well CRAZY and not sure WTF to do about it??? Thanks for letting me vent.
Hi Donnie, welcome to Support Groups, thank you so much for being here with us. I think that you are taking a big step in the right direction by coming here and sharing with us. I know that you are totally capable of getting through this addiction and coming out on the other end of it better and stronger than ever before. I want you to look in the mirror soon and love who you see. What can we do to start getting you on track slowly but surely? What is the one thing that you can do today to start improving your life? You are right about replacing this behavior with another one, but let's find a very positive and healthy replacement. I found this link to be very helpful and informative; http://www.myaddiction.com/methamphetamine.html. As well, there is a At-Home-Drug-Withdrawal Program video available.
Please know that you are not alone. We are here to help you through this.
I can relate with u so much on what u are saying and I know how hard it is. Alot of people try to say "You have to want to get better" and that irritates me because there is a time when it doesnt matter what u want because the devil(meth) has the control over ur body and mind. I have faced the devil eye to eye in the mirror when I had went for about 4 days straight high and of course no sleep and it was scary but I keep running back to it and wonder myself if I will ever be able to overpower it. Like right now I want it bad but I know after I get it and use I am going to feel like **** for a few days and hate myself but something keeps telling me that the way it makes me feel for the time being will be worth the misery after the high is gone. I know deep inside thats not true but when I am craving it I really dont give a ****.
I did that **** with my girlfriend years back. I was more casual about it since I was more of a drinker.All I know is that as bad as you think withdrawl is , staying on it will be 100 times worse.You might as well quit before you're forced to quit by being in jail.My beautiful ex turned into a raving_skinny_theiving_hooker to feed the monster.She ended up in jail many times.Its amazing how you'll attract cops just by being on it.I ALSO KNOW FOR A FACT SINCE I've seen it in person is it. Attracts dark spirits and the like that feed off the sex/emotional energy.Yeah it sounds nuts but I'm sure people know what I'm talking about.Bottom line if you're not in jail take advantage of what I'm saying cause you don't get unlimited chances.Stop doing it and start going to church even if for the time being when you're jonsing. It won't be easy but completly self destructing isn't much fun either And that will happen if you don't pull your head out. Please listen to me.
Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement. It means so much to me to come here and vent and get advice as well as read what others have gone through. Now I am beginning to have vivid dreams of using and that's just plain crazy. I feel like I am trying to say good bye to a love that I have been in a relationship with for a year. I guess in some ways I am. I hate that anything has so much control over me as this monster has.
Thanks again everyone
Well from my own experience. I turned to God. Truly repented of it. I knew it was eating me alive and the come downs where so horrible that I asked God to help me. I had no withdrawals nothing. I had and explosion of a peace I cannot describe and I have been clean for 5 yr's now. Now I'm not saying that it's going to be that easy for you. It was messing my head up and making me psychotic and I didn't want to live in a psych ward but I can tell you that you can be free from it. I know how addicting it is and I used to love the high it would make but found out that it was ruining all my life and my family didn't trust me. I'm just living proof that you can get off that stuff. I'm here out of LOVE for you that I can maybe gear you into the right direction. Stay strong and I'm here any time.
Thanks Sonic!! I have always believed in God and know that the void I am trying so hard to fill can only be filled with a relationship with my father. I get close to god or headed in the direction of doing so and thats when Satan pours in the temptations. I fall every time. He just has to barely blink and I am back to the Monster. I know this all day long and yet knowledge has gotten me not too far. I also learned in a first treatment center that I cannot take something away w/o replacing it with something else. I guess thats why I keep going from drinking to drugs and vise versa. What a **** nightmear. Whenever I am in my addiction I dont talk to god. I am not sure if it is because guilt or not wanting to pray " only when I am in need" I do know that there are so many songs in church that make me sob like a baby. The holy spirit touches me so.
This is so much how I feel....... Romans 7 14-20
14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Thanks again Sonic.....
Thr devil has wo again and what would one say ....but ,,,you SOB I Fu***ng hate you ...you sought me in my dreams...u tempted me every way and I HATE you 4 it but I HATE ME even more for falling into your temptation ,,,through dreams u seek me and u prevail but in the end YOU will LOOSE!!!!!Although u have once again won again I do HATE u for it and I do know that u are loving it because i do have that closeness with God!!!
XOXOX ... God is a strong pull that gets you through some thingd but in all do honesty ...it is like your life (not your soul) is being wanted by Satan hisself and it is a battle from Hell. . I have done many things to avoid him ,,,I have been completely honest with my family doctor....went 2 sumone who is a counsler but has been through wat i am going through and he sent me 2 sumone else but... GO FIGURE..thats the way it is ....and the people that "love" me well they just dont understand because according 2 them "I can try sumthing 1 time and walk away" .. Well thats them not me and y its not me I really dont understnd but I wish it could be because life would be so much less complicated but I guess ;life is the way it is and when it ends it over and 2 sum it may be a good thing when all is said and done and 2 others it will hurt but as long as u make a differnce ib one's life I guess thats all that matters but who really cares anyway ..everyone is probably just someone elses's problem .... If u try like HELL nad YOU continue 2 fail ..y keep trying???Is it ever going 2 get better????Is it better now??? Now that I am supposedly happy because I have what I hvae longed for in my body and yet I HATE myself 4 it ....Will SATAN never give up??? Am I an easy target 4 him?????I dont understand and I dont understand y it it so hard to get help??? I am trying like hell...I am doing anything and evrtyhting to AVOID it but it all falls back 2 the fact that he is screamimg in my ears "I HAVE HAD YOU AND I WONT LET YOU GO!!!""" ..Meth is a MONSTER that will haunt you .....how long???,,I havent a clue because the monster hasnt left me yet,,, I used almost every dqy for a year ..I have a heart condition and I alomost died ...I took a 5 hour trip just 2 feel like I could breath and that 5 hour trip in return was a 5 day trip on meth .....I was seeking H2O and I went for it..although it took me 5 hours 2 get there and thank God for my BF cause he drove I did get there and when I came down off of my "meth high" I was so greatful and I promised GOD "Never Again' BUT TIME AND TIME AFTEDR i HAVE FAILED and I know wat it is and I hate him 4 it but I guess I am the only one 2 blame cuz I gave the MF that con trol over me!!!
Sorry I really didnt mean 2 vent out... but it just irritates me sumtimes that I try so hard and he(The Meth Monster) seeks me in every way possible. I had a terrible dream last night and "HE" visited me in it. But anyway..I guess I can say he won in the long run and I am just mad at myself because of it I wish u the best of luck and I really hope you have more strenghth than I do ..it is a strong hold and also a very hard battle ....but GOOD LUCK 2 U !!!!And GOD BLESS YOU!!!
life......I so hear your pain and here I am almost in tears because well its almost 5 am and I am up and failing as well. I so hate it. I want to be free as I know you do as well. BUT the devil drug has me right where he wants me. **** I so hate nothing more than to feel like a failure. I am a year into this bullshit... that I have done not only done to myself , but my BF as well. He tries to understand god love him, but not possible. You don't know till you have been there. I am so glad that he has not been there......I love him and I know he is suffering in his own way. I hate myself for that. I rather him hate me than hurt. Satan has no mercy and I am so weak when the temptation puts me to the test. Feeling weak and like a big fat failure just makes it too easy for me to fall......YET AGAIN- I know that I have to change my thoughts and I need God to change my heart or I am as good as six feet under as well......
It is amazing how much I can relate with u.... i have put my bf through hell also and i dont mean to...i live him with all my heart and I hate what I am doing to him and myself..and yeah i know wat u mean by the 5 am ..ive been up all night and i am going to hate myself even more in a lil while...Let's stop this **** and get our **** together...i dont know wat the longest u have been clean is but i used for 1 year just about everyday and now not as often ..Girl u know its going to kill you just like I do but we both have faith in God and we both have someone that loves us very much...I promised God if he pulled me through last Sept. I would never use again and I lied to him but I do believe he understands me because he must feel my pain..
(((((((hugs))))))))
I know it is hard!!!! It seems like it will never get better.
I tried to kill myself when I quit the dope cause i didnt want to live without it. So I took a whole bottle of xanax.
It is really hard. You about have to lose all your contacts cause it is easy to have a mess up, and then if you do, you think "Fck it why try?" and next thing you know it is 6 months later....and you are 6 months more messed up.
Thinking of you and I hope you will find the strength to do this. It is in you, even if it doesnt seem like it is. There is hope.
Thnx joker grl and life......and life I am ready to do this I just am sitting here like wtf I mean really???? Its terrifying actually....ANYTHING to have such a tight hold on you is scary as hell. I guess its time to take the long walk of shame back to that drawing board. Rome wasnt built in a day ...and I have **** sure learned more from failing than success. Plan Z time for fucks sake. Life I am amazed at how similar our stories are too. I am grateful for that because I need someone who " gets it" ....Operation Meth Monster???? Ready? You in joker girl?
You are right hon, it is **** hard, I did not want to give it up, that's for sure, even though I did hate to be a slave to it. It was the only thing that ever made me feel worth a ****, all my life since I was a kid I have been depressed, and nothing else ever helped. It was hard to see what I thought had been helping me turn on me and make me a crazy woman.
I kept up a beautiful front! Hardly anyone knew. And I loved having a clean house, I loved being thin. I had been heavy since I was in my 20s and when I was 30 I started messing with cocaine and dexedrine and stuff like that. Well the dex and adderall was too hard to get ahold of, and the cocaine just pissed me off, I got tired of doing it every 5 mins, and I got meth instead of coke once and I knew that this was what I had been missing my entire life, and this was the way I wanted to feel forever. I was not supposed to be a drug addict, I never even had any kind of drinking problem or any other problem with anything before, but by the time I had been doing meth a month or so I was very addicted, and once I went to smoking it and hot railing it, I was INSANELY addicted. I was high ALL the time that I wasnt crashed out, and if I ran out I was an absolute TERROR until I got more of it. I ran around and ignored my family and ended up taking a leave from a job that it took me 4 years of college to do...all I wanted was meth, i wanted it all the time. Me and my friends sort of turned on each other, stole from each other, etc. I finally knew the only way I could have enough meth, all the time, was to cook it.
I was so scared of getting caught and all the mess. I know a lot of people quit because they are SO sick of everything, but I really wasnt sick of how it felt. I was sick of the drama, sick of what I was doing to my family. But I still liked the feel of it. I had only done it maybe 2-3 years. I cannot imagine how hard it would be if I had done it longer.
I had a terrible time at first, when I first quit. I can remember cravings so hard I laid in bed and shook and cried with my want to go and find dope. I used to have the most horrible nightmares where I was on drugs, or getting busted, or cooking dope, or being raped....God only knows what. I couldnt sleep unless my husband held me I was so scared. I thought I would die without meth. I wanted to die. I tried to kill myself. I craved it with every cell in my body, but it finally got better. I have been clean since July of 2009 and I still wouldnt want a bag laid in front of me. I stay clean by staying away from it.
I have never experienced anything as strong as the craving for meth and it took a while for it to get better. I slept, I ate and ate, and I cried, and I eventually got better. Its not perfect but its better. I hope someday it will go away altogether.
Today is my 40th birthday. I cant believe the things the last 10 years have brought. I hope in another 10 years I will be happy and drug free.
joker-girl
First of all Happy Birthday! Have a wonderful day. You deserve it. I cant thank you enough for taking the time to share your experience with this GOD FORSAKEN DEMON ****** FACE with me. ( I have now convinced myself if I keep up the name calling it will just run away) Why not?? I am willing to try just about anything at the moment. Like my new friend lifestooshort ..I can relate to alot of your storyas well. I am now at the point where the FUCKING FAKE JOY CRAP has the upper hand. As much as I hate to admit.. This month last year, I started using it again after trying it l six years previous. My first go at it, I dated a drug dealer, got curious after awhile, tried it and did so off and on for about six months. I had zero problems putting it down. I decided I was done and that was that. Never touched it again until last year. I guess I decided that I would cure my need to live constantly drunk and stupid with my new need to stay productive and accomplished. Or so I thought. I have some real wonderful solutions let me tell ya. Self destructive has never looked real good on me , but I continue to do so anyway. **SHRUG**
SO here I am 35 a brand new serious drug addiction. I hate it but as you say. At the very same time......How do I quit the one thing that makes me feel worth a **** and hell accomplish a few tasks while I am at it?? THe hold it has on me almost seems worth it........But lately the feelings a Euphoric and Accomplished are not as present as the guilt, shame and pure ****ing misery. I feel like I am in jail and there is not a **** chance of breaking out.
The pain is causes the ones that I love is the real kick in the ****. I am okay with beating myself up......I can't handle the pain in my BF eyes or sad voice of daughter when I explain she wont be spending the weekend with her mom. All the fake feelings of happiness are long gone. NOW WHAR???? Now I have been doing just enough to spare me some of the withdrawl pain. As they described that to me in a book for tweekers who want off this ride. I am now mentally and physically ****ed. Woohoo!! And the hits just keep on cumin- Why the **** did I do this to myself again????? Oh wait!! I know...Because I am a ****ing asshole. Excuse my non lady like language as I dont feel like much of a lady right now. I have to somehow prepare myself for battle against the devil and his demons....Good times.
Again thanks very much for sharing your story with me. I do appreciate that more than you know. I am strangly comforted and oh so greatful for my two new prisoners of war. Its nice to know that somebody gets it and is not treating me like I just escaped the funny farm.
Anyway I hope you have a wonderful birthday and another ten years of freedom from hell.....
I will keep on attacking the drawing board until a plan sticks
Donnie
I hear you! My "friends" are the same way. I always feel accomplished when I can tell them my story and understand what is going on, as opposed to just being high, but I find them talking behind my back and to my face. They think it's funny to call me fucked up. It isnt funny, THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM TO ME! Am I different? Am I ate up? Am Ireally that weird? Why are they LAUGHING?
Why are they laughing at me?
I constantly find myself crying over this because I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to be the girl I was before my addiction part of who I indeed was. My "cuddy buddy" also likes to ask me if I'm going to go back to being dope everytime I get upset. That's not fucking fair! I don't want that thrown in my face! Especially when that's EXACTLY what I want to do.
I found this site because I was looking for a support group near where I live to help "fix" me, because I'm well aware that I am one HELLUVA addict. I haven't done dope in almost two months, but I've smoked weed, popped pills, rolled on ex, and drank my weight in alcohol in hopes of being unaware of whats actually going on in life. But none of that is a glass rose or needle.
I just want to be me again. I want to FORGET. I want to FORGET!
I hear you tailchasin, I want to forget too.
Im so tired of trying sometimes but I know it wasnt the answer.
I know it wasn't the answer, but at least when I had dope, I had SOME kind of an answer.
H3y xoxoxo. Dat **** devil isnt he/she a *****. Lmao. Do you know what the reason why i can see your debacle in positive light is that. Even though things may seem ****** at the moment but things can get better. It al depends on how much we want it to get better. Bt ja h3y keep me posted. Are u sober 4 today. 9MAY2011.