MH is a trigger and I can't even think about being intimate (having sex) with him right now. For those of you who are intimate, how were you able to get past thinking about him/her being with the other person? What did you do or say to get yourself past that point? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
1 Heart
I did not have this issue even though he is my biggest trigger. I feel that if I'm going to really try to do my part in healing us this is a good and fun way. I mean the relationship has already hit rock bottom. What do you have to lose?
Even if I can get past the trigger issues, I have a feeling that if we become intimate, he will feel like everything is ok and things will be pushed to the side and we won't be dealing with the issues.
1 Heart
@2Changes We still talk every day about the affair. Both are part of the healing.
Not sure I can look at it that way yet but you've given me another perspective. Thank you.
@2Changes I never would have guessed that we would have gone in a positive direction from this but we did. Our present is amazing, it’s the past I can’t let go.
It is harder for some then others. Give yourself time...you need to feel safe again and that may take some time. There are counsellors who specialize in intimacy issues that can probably help. Praying or talking before, using reassuring words and even candlelight, music or something to keep you mind from wandering can help. Sometimes the images just come and go quickly and you can picture a stop sign in your head or get your spouse to talk more and reassure you...sometimes if they get overwhelming you can just let them know it is too much and stop. Some people especially guys just can't get over the images...I was surprised I was able to but it wasn't easy and I found a lot of emotions poured out after...I think that is why we need to know the affair is completely over and feel safe because we are putting ourselves in a very vulnerable position and our hearts out there again.
1 Heart
@runningfree5 What you said really hit me. I will keep working on getting there and keep all your suggestions in mind to help. I really appreciate how supportive everyone is and how willing to share own experiences to help others.
The first time after D day was hard I could not look at him but I love him so much I held on so tight. I think my feeling for him during that time was so overwhelming the passion was amazing. Months later we have an amazing sex life. He no longer is selfish he thinks only I of my pleasure. Look deep inside if u still love him allow him to reach for you.
2 Hearts
@Ariel7890 Well said.
I went through a phase where I thought about it almost the whole time when we had sex. Sometimes I just couldn't. I think sometimes you need a little time until you don't focus on it so much, and like Ariel side, other times you just need to focus on what sex is between you and your husband. I have not had an affair during our marriage, but I am pretty certain that no sex could really compare to the closeness when have together. Your husband probably feels the same way, maybe it is something you guys could talk about? Hearing my husband tell me how it feels good to be close to me and the way he thinks of sex with us as a couple, helped me to see that he puts the most meaning on us, not his affair girls. If you talk about it, keep it to what is between you two, try to not bring up the others, just hear and listen to what you guys think about each other.
1 Heart
@Jenn7814 Thank you. It really helps hearing how others handle things.
During intimacy, if I started having bad thoughts, I would just amp up the passion of my actions. For example, she said she only gave him pecks.....no tongue. So I don't give my wife pecks anymore. It's full on french kissing. Also, we use candles to set the mood. I've also gotten her some outfits, at her suggestion, that have spiced things up for both of us. Our sex life was always very good, but recently it's been great. I am pleased when I please my wife intimately. I put her on a pedestal during those moments. The other night during intimacy she told me...."I love you very much." That made me feel great.
2 Hearts
You might need a little time to feel like he is making you feel special. It helps to tell him that. Stress the fact that you want to so much be intimate. I like all the suggestions Runningfree mentioned!! I remember I cried a little the first time but stopped myself from crying too much and just hugged him and kept going. I think even though I try never to cry in front of him, it helped him see the depth of my wounds. I hope you feel better soon about this as it will help you bond with him emotionally as nothing else possibly can!! All the best!!!