Missing my daughter

My 22 year-old daughter has an eating disorder, which she is finally under the supervision of a medical center. We lived together over this summer after she graduated from college, and unfortunately, I was going through a very difficult time at work and I had major back surgery. My emotions were all over the place and I just wasn't there for my daughter the way she needed me. Although, if you asked anyone else, they would say just the opposite. I was helping her in every way possible, even in major pain. Meanwhile, she spent the entire summer complaining about me to her boyfriend long distance through video chat. Following her decision to leave and move 800 miles away to the medical center, she left me a wonderful letter thanking me for everything I had done for her this summer and how much she loves me. A few days later, I got a very nasty letter from her boyfriend basically telling me I was the worst mother in the world and how I did nothing for my daughter. I brought the letter to my therapist who was shocked that he would write something so disrespectful and rude to me. The letter was very ugly, and as good to him as I have been over the last 2+ years, I was so upset. I waited a few days and then wrote back to him, so it wouldn't be in anger. I answered to each of his comments of what he claimed I didn't do for her... just listed facts to how he was incorrect about his comments, and how she did not develop an eating disorder while living with me, but at college. A few days later, I called my daughter who was crying and told me her boyfriend broke up with her (this is two days before she was starting therapy), and he blamed it on me. The truth is he is graduated from college now, making $51,000 a year and living at home having the time of his life. It's much more fun not having a girlfriend with problems than to have to worry about her.

My daughter has not spoken to me since Oct 10, and I cannot handle this. I love her so very much, and it just hurts. I haven't been able to eat, and have lost 25 pounds. which when you are 5'1 is a lot. This is all about stress and missing her. What do I do? I have been sending her a card once a week all concerning motivation and support. I thought I would be the major part of her support team, and instead, she won't speak to me. I am not the reason her boyfriend broke up with her. He broke up with her because he wanted to. This was just an easy way out. Does anyone have any experience in this? How do I get my daughter back?

Of course your not the reason why the boyfriend broke up with her. I'm sorry your being treated this way, sometimes, especially in families, people recall things differently & usually to gain attention from others, so that may have to be addressed later on w/your daughter when shes ready to really be honest with you (and she will), as I've learned we only get little pieces to the puzzle over a long time period, sometimes years.

Be a sounding board when shes ready & discuss you hurt & pain here with us because when our kids treat us this way it really crushes us forsure.

Your in my thoughts friend.

April (mom 2 boys 27 & 19)

I don't have kids.. but I am 22yrs old and I am struggling with an eating disorder... I have a mother who doesn't have a clue and we never have had much of a relationship so I think it is just amazing and I am so proud of you for supporting your daughter even when she doesn't acknowledge it.

You seem to be trying your best and that is all anyone can ask for.. please do not beat yourself up over it or cause your own eating disorder issues through stress.

Im gonna tell you what I think... sometimes our eating disorders engulf every aspect of our life.. we do not know what they are destroying other then us the relationships and our futures.. eating disorders are usually about dealing with the pain we are feeling that moment it is a coping tool a struggle to survive while slowly killing ourselves... your daughter may not have a clue of the wonderful support she has right in front of her because and eating disorder is an addiction and they blind us from the good. please do not give up on her ...keep sending her stuff...it may take a lot of time believe me but it will mean something one day... I have a woman at my church that is like a mother to me since mine isn't so much.. even when I am pushing her away and not being so nice to her she doesn't go anywhere.. she constantly tells me how much she loves me and cares and is not going anywhere... she isn't annoying or up my butt just reminders so when I can see through all the bull crap that my eating disorder puts in my head I remember she is there i remember she cares and has never given up on me... eating disorders are messy most people don't wana deal with all the associated problems..just keep reminding your daughter you are there..

Idont know if that helps at all... but I have a hope for you that things will be different.. do not give up on her or your own health... YOU are a wonderful person strong and loving and a great mother.

I will be praying...


I am so sorry to hear about that. It is very hard being a parent of a child with an eating disorder. It is like a roller coaster in a scarry theme park. She probably did say some mean things about you and then felt guilty and decided to write you a note to make up for it. The ups and downs that ED makes them go through can tear relationships up. My daughter has pushed everyone away. Then the next breath she is nice to them. This causes others to give up on her. I feel the same thing is going on with your daughter. Don't give up she is worth the fight! You are all she has. That boyfriend could not handle the illness.It is hard for anyone. Maybe give him a call and forgive him he was dealling with a lot from her too.