I'm new to this so please bear with me. My mother (89) had a stroke last April and although she is basically able to take care of herself, she does need some help because she is weak. Over the year she has become this really negative person and negates everything anyone says to her. She does nothing to help herself become stronger and spends at least 90% of her day in bed, because she says that is the only time she isn't dizzy or feeling like her head is too heavy. Of course, her body has atrophied and she is just getting weaker and weaker. She really wants her life over with and I don't blame her, but she's fairly heart healthy, etc. so who knows when her time will be. My issue is that I have a lot of anger at her refusal to do anything but lay around and be this ugly, negative human being she's become. She does have some brain damage from the stroke, so her ability to comprehend and remember anything is pretty bad. But, again, she stopped seeing her cognitive therapist, too.
I really need some help with coping with her, as I'm at a point where I really would like to put her in a home and just see her once a week - maybe.
It is very sad when the old age comes. Nowadays, majority of the people lost patience, compassion and understanding. Very sad society. Always, ask yourself if you were in her place, what treatment would you prefer? Remember, we all will be her age. Wishing you well.
I think I’ve become one of those people. I can’t seem to find compassion except for moments here and there. Her negativity is hard to be around. I understand all of what she must be feeling, but the mother/daughter thing gets in the way. She’s very, very hard to be around, so I’m around her as little as possible and she feels the distance. Hard to watch my mother, who used to be a fighter, give up.
Speaking from the point of a person who at 48 had three massive strokes, and one last year at 49, I know how hard it is. It is so hard to grieve the loss you sustain. Job, parts of your body and brain that don't work any more like they used to. However, people in my life kept encouraging me, and I found the StrokeNetwork extremely helpful. They have live chat groups, that encouraged me and showed me that life could and does go on. It has taken me two years, but now I am out of the funk, and living life as well as I can. Most of my residual is cognitive, and from being a person who was well educated and only 5 weeks from getting my MBA, this was all extremely difficult. I did not realize that I had to grieve the loss, before I could continue.
I would encourage you to just continue to support her in any way you can, set boundaries, very firm boundaries. Remind her that it CAN be worse.
You are an amazing person for wanting to support her, even in her negativity. Believe me, after massive strokes it is very easy to become the victim, and think that your life has no meaning.
Maybe send her little reminders that she is valuable, still has a life to live. See what resources are available in her area to help such as support groups, or groups that go shopping together, or church groups if she has a spiritual side.
You cannot change her. You can only give her what support you are able to. It does not make you a bad daughter. We all have limits.
But I promise you, that if she wants it, there is life beyond the stroke.
I hope this helps in some way to offer you some comfort in your time of pain.
Thanks, Marci. I hadn’t had any responses from my last post, so your words mean a lot. I think that my mother is caught up in her grief and can’t get past it. No encouragement helps, no positiveness on my part, nothing seems to get her out of this “bad” place she’s in. As she said to me once, she “doesn’t know how to be this age she’s in” and can’t get past that thought. She attends a stroke group and she’s in better shape than anyone there. She’s also the oldest, but nothing anyone says to her helps. She really just wants to die and I understand that totally. She’s more than ready. She’s always been in control and now she doesn’t have that control anymore. Or so she feels. She negates everything, so in many ways I have to back off. She does nothing good for herself - nothing her therapists or we tell her. She says she’ll try, but I don’t think she even remembers what she’s supposed to do differently. Her brain is atrophying along with her body and it is terrible to watch this strong and stubborn woman just give up. Maybe she can’t help it anymore. I don’t know. I try to just let her be. Offer my assistance and glad when she allows me to do something for her. I’ve stopped pushing myself on her as it was stressing me out so much I was falling apart. She’s just going to continue to deteriorate and there’s really nothing I can do to stop it. She’s very lost in her own thoughts. Tranquilizers help her when she gets into her anxious space and we’ve tried anti-depressants, but I don’t think they really did much for her mood or thoughts. She’s convinced that she’s the only 89 year old woman that is going through what she’s going through. My mother just can’t see anything passed her own stuff and I can’t do much to change that. Nothing is good. Nothing is positive. Nothing is worth living for anymore to her. She keeps threatening to jump in our pool - BUT, it has to be in August when the pool is warm enough!
Too bad they don’t make a hello pill and a good-bye pill. I try to just take it one day at a time and practice mindfulness for myself.
It’s amazing that you had three strokes and at such a young age. Maybe being younger helps us want to live and gets us through those times. At 89, my mom has just had it.
BTW, I also had a stroke when I was 53. A minor one, thank god.