A week ago, I discovered that my significant other of several years had been having phone sex, text sex, and intimate conversations online with several complete strangers. In addition, I have found out he has slept with a few co-workers, and his ex girlfriend 5-6 times over the duration of our relationship as well. Words cannot describe how I feel, but knowing that the last 3+ years of my life have all been a lie, is really hard to take in.
When I first caught him, he told me about the phone situation, how he has done it since he was a teenager, and has even been caught by previous long term girlfriends, and forgiven for it. Said he hated himself for it, and wanted to change. A few days later, he admitted how regularly he did these phone relationships (whenever I was not physically around him), and the girls he had physically been with, every time I went out of town to visit family/friends.
He told be he doesn't understand why he did all of it, never felt good about it. Said he hates hurting me more than anything, and truly wants to change. He cried, looked completely defeated, and said he didn't think he could ever love someone ever again after me.
My head has been spinning as I try to figure out how to get past it. I think it would be much easier if he told me he never cared about me at all, and that he wanted to keep doing it. But he's admitted that he wants to change, that he truly wants to become a better person, and hates the thought of losing me. I have found the strength in myself to talk to him, read the bible with him, and discuss how he can get better, and he has already taken steps, changing his phone number, deleting these chat accounts, sharing passwords and, what I believe to be, true feelings of repentance. He has also agreed to start finding himself in religion by attending church, and seeing a counselor to kick the addiction. All the while, this has helped me to feel a bit better - but I can't help but wondering if I should just be walking away anyway.
As hard as it would be for me to cut all ties, people keep telling me, if he really wanted to change, he'd have done it by now, the first time he got caught by his ex. The sensible side of me recognizes that he has never had anyone in his life to help guide him to a clean life - including me because I was never aware of the problem - but where do you draw the line?
As an adult, you should know the difference from right and wrong, but I also know that addiction can be a hard thing to overcome, especially when its a secret and you're alone in it. I want to help him, but my friends and family all tell me that I am better off walking away. Starting over on my own. This is a person who I had discussed marriage, children, and a solid future with. I feel in my heart he needs help, support - that I just need to get him help, but am I doing more harm then good by taking this initiative? Are these actions things he needs to make on his own? Is he even strong enough to do it alone? Is anyone?
Has anyone else had first hand experience with anything like this - where multiple infidelities took place, but forgiveness was so badly desired? Do I work with him to help him, or do i guide him in the right direction, and walk away, to see if he can make it on his own? Any input would be nice, from either side of the spectrum. I am at a loss, and need help.