Mutual exclusiveness? - HA!

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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update: the intensity of yesterday pushed some of my hysteria to the surface and- having no other alternative- i was FORCED to cope with it. let me clarify: forced to cope with the intensity... how to cope with my hysteria is another enchillada altogether. but a few tears escaped; a few truths were uttered; and i actually ASKED for a hug... yep! and that hug felt surprisingly warm and supportive.

i had myself somehow convinced that i would feel physical discomfort and emotional discomfort in a mutually exclusive way. wow, i was WAY off on that one! i am shocked and overwhelmed by the intensity of my emotional discomfort that ACCOMPANIES my physical discomfort. i am reduced to tears over cheese. i am shedding tears regarding textures. i am learning that many of my oddities are actually *behaviors* and will be challenged.

now i know that there are issues in the world far more devastating than me biting into a sammie...but... i am ashamed to say that it causes me SO MUCH PAIN. i am SHOCKED... and again, just embarrassed that these *behaviors* mean so much to me. whimper. tears.

but--- I HAVE MADE IT THROUGH EVERY MEAL, EVERY DAY. i may have been the last one at the table. i may have quietly bitched to my babysitter [monitor]. i may have asked what my alternatives were IF i chose NOT to consume what was placed in front of me... but--- i did it, without any alternatives.

i can't stress enough how grateful i am for the rigid schedule here. i NEED this accountability. i NEED this detox. i NEED the sisterhood of others suffering also.

thank you for using your time perusing my post. my gratitude soars...
amy xo

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This is great Amy! I know it is painful, but you are really moving through the challenges of treatment. Your ability to look at these situations, understand your fears and see the good in challenging the behaviors and fears is your ally here. Please know I truly understand just how uncomfortable and how 'wrong' it feels to do what you are doing, eating different foods and textures, ect. Not to mention the emotional piece of it all.I get exactly where you are coming from with the hugs. Can be so painful, but so surprisingly comforting.

I think the intensity and structure of the program is much needed yo break free of the behaviors. I also know that this kind of treatment does not always work unless one is motivated and wanting to change. It may be painful, but you are EMBRACING it, and that is so very vitally important. So so so so amazed by your courage. Thank you for sharing!

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Amy,

I am sooooo proud of you. You show such courage and strength in your journey to health. No one said that you had to go through this without any issue, so your grumblings are warrented - thing is you perservered. I continue to pray for you and all of the sisterhood caught in the hands of ED.

Keep up the good work.

Love and hugs
Shana

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AMY YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!
Keep hanging in there, tolerate the program - it does work as crazy as it seems in the beginning. Things will get easier, you CAN feel better, and it is good to let out your emotions. Everyone at the RCC cares deeply and I'm sure you will make some great friends while you are there.
Stay strong, tolerate, meditate. You are incredible!
<3 CC

5

my eyes are filled with tears..I have been where you are now. I had to have that accountability also to eat normally again. I know the fears of eating a full plate of food...textures...tastes.
The thoughts that were filling my head as I had to eat these foods drove me to tears.
But I made it through each day and meal. you are doing it Amy you will get through this.

Love AG♥

6

That is truly amazing! Stay with it...enjoy those victories! xx

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Amy,
I am so relieve that you are sharing here, and that you are realizing that the challenges are necessary. I believe that you waited until you knew you would do this, be committed to giving it your best, and you are.
I am also selfishly thankful that I can be witness and a support for you through this, and that you are seeing that your peers and the staff are also there to support you through this.
Love you dear friend...xoxox namaste ♥

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sweet surrender-
two words stand out in you response: *wrong* and embrace.
everything DOES FEEL ALL WRONG- and i am not only trying to find peace within my crazed vegan mind, but also am trying to find a way to gracefully endure the flowing of my own tears... and embracing this entire program is exactly what i am trying to do- as fucking difficult as it is to get through the meals and to deal with the fallout AFTER the meal, i am embracing this program with all that i am. xo

shana, hon-
thank you for your prayers and for encouraging me to allow my grumblings. your kind words help to carry me through my days.... xo

darling cc-
thank you for joining me on thinking that this program is crazy. [sheepish grin] actually no matter the program, i would think it to be crazy. the staff here is amazing! i asked sarah today if she knew you; she spoke so kindly of you and told me you sent her a x-mas card. thank you for such kindness, my rcc-soul-sis... xo

warrior ag-
yes, many hidden tears... finding it hard to know WHEN i should express them... no time feels rights. yep, very difficult to tolerate the plate FULL of food, their texures, and their tastes. add my political, moral view into the picture, and i am holding in tears most of the time here... thanks for reaching out to me and sharing... xo

onedge, my sis-
thank you for your support and for reminding me that i am indeed experiencing some small victories... xo

torch-bearing tink-
again, i feel my ability to communicate somehow flows more smoothly through my fingertips. sharing here not only gives me the appropriate audience, but it also gives me the op to receive support during this very arduous and demanding process. thank you for taking the time to respond here- to me. it means so very much to me... xo

update: i won't sugar-coat it. today has been difficult. this morning went by quickly as i pissed it away chitchatting and piddling... lunch became far more emotional for me than expected. post-lunch as i began to leave the room, one of the adolescents that had joined us for conversation stood up and hugged me. i started to cry. i know she saw me struggling through my lunch- and that personal, human kindness that she offered to me set my tears free.

i just thought i'd be far more concerned with my physical discomfort than i would be anything else. and while, YES- TODAY MY PHYSICAL DISCOMFORT IS OFF THE CHART- my emotional discomfort is heavy and confusing and painful.

thank you for reading... and for taking the time to respond. i NEED this support- and i am grateful with all that i am for each of you.

namaste... xo

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Keep fighting and keep reflecting! You are amazing and i am so prude of you!
Namaste Sister Amy

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earth mama myhsthe---
yes, fighting and reflecting... they are somehow hand-in-hand these days.
i've made it through the day FINALLY! lunch was rough. didn't particularly LIKE the snack. and dinner was a sammie that i can certainly handle- ONLY b/c some of my oddities are not yet being challenged. monday will be the beginning of some very painful days...
i'm grateful for your support, soul-sis...
namaste,
xo

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Being aware of up coming challenges can help you to face your fears and move through the pain. I amm keeping you in my thoughts and meditations through your ip journey. Know in the hardest moments that their are people out here who love and support you. I want you to find your inner power and the strength to move through and move forward, this is the fight of your life keep fighting...you are totally worth it!

Namaste sister
Peace and love to you
Blessings, myhsthe

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sweet myhsthe---
my cup overflows; thank you. i DO feel your love and support- i draw from it every day.

update: i made it through TWO DAYS of meals and distracted my way through them and in between them! pant pant

i was a bit more social, did some beading with some of the women, crocheted in the common area, and hung out a little more in the common area than i usually do. i wrote out some cards to family members and did laundry.

and here i am, pecking away as i sit in that unfamiliar bed thinking about my looming *job* tomorrow. it's a hell of a *work week*, let me tell you... i have a little *homework* that i must tend to this evening....so with that i will sign off.

i wish you all a peaceful good night.
namaste
amy xo

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Amy

sending many HUGS off to you♥
When i had to face the meals I did what I do best. The first dinner was difficult the meal to me seemed monstrous in size but was in fact normal size. The thoughts racing through my head brought me to tears and I fought through the tears and the meal the best way i knew how I just kind of went numb with my feelings and forced myself through it.
I made the choice to stay when really I wanted to just run out and go home.
My focus was my kids I had to do it for them thats what I kept telling myself but deep down I was also doing it for me. I longed to be normal to feel some freedom I wanted to break free from the prison I was in.
I know thats why you are there to be free from it all and I want to say that Amy you are also a true warrior.

Love AG♥

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Amy: Please know that I think of you daily and you are in my prayers. You are being very very strong!!!
Love to you!

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You are in my thoughts! I hoped that today's challenges brought insight to your recovery journey. I hope that even in your darkest moments of pain that you had a glimmer of hope for becoming fully recovered! You are a warrior goddess on a noble journey and an earth mama who needs to fight to return to her children with renewed strength! I look forward to hearing about your journey, including the challenges! You are amazing!

Namaste Sister

Love, Myhsthe

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Amy,

Just letting you know that I am thinking of you!!
New day, new challenges - I am sending you all my strength friend.

Love and hugs
Shana

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Hoping that today and yesterday went well for you!
Namaste
Love Myhsthe

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sweet ag, molly, myhsthe, and shana----
thank you all for such kindness and compassion... it is a scary feeling to n-e-e-d those from you, but i do.
namaste
xo

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Thinking of you today Amy..we are here to help you through this when you need us!

Love
AG!♥

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many thanks, ag.
i need and feel your sisterhood-support...
i will create a new post soon to update.
all my love
namaste
xo