My 19th wedding anniversary is on Monday, and he dropped the bomb on me that he wants to separate. We haven't fought, we communicate, we have fun together, and out of the blue he wants to move out. We have two small children, ages 6 and 3. He's never mentioned ANYTHING previously on being unhappy or wanting to leave. This was a TOTAL surprise. (Still is - he told me last Saturday, so it's less than a week at this point.)
I've cried at least 10 gallons in the last 6 days since he told me.
He told me he has no interest in counseling. He told me he's just 'unhappy'. He's already made an inventory in Excel of everything we have and everything we spend and basically divided everything up fairly and mostly equally.
How could I miss that he was so 'unhappy' that he isn't willing to work on it?
Question for you folks that have more time under your belt from the time you decided. How did you first cope? What resources did you find that helped? How did you come to terms with it? For those of you that it was a surprise, how did you move on? Are you happier now? I just don't know what's in store for me. My entire adult life, I've been 'his wife' or 'the mother of his children' and I don't know where to begin to reinvent myself. Any advice?
I want to add that I think he has something else going on in his life - not another woman, but just something unresolved. He turned 40 and lost his mother within 6 months, and he took both of those REALLY hard. He's not the bad guy, but instead, he lost his sense of purpose and is assuming that leaving will help him find it. I want to help him, but also, to help me.
Hi Labbonik....first off, I'm so, so sorry that you're feeling incredibly brokenhearted. You've found a great place to get a lot of support, advice, compassion, you name it....people are always here to help you when you're at your very lowest and then celebrate with you when you have something good happen during what is truly one of the most difficult things to work through....divorce...it's really, really complicated!!!
Your story is different than a lot of the stories I have read on what brought people to this site. It's usually a combination of things and easier to understand why someone is getting ready to go through the divorce process....usually infidelity, a lot of arguing, some times verbal abuse, and sometimes it escalating on up to physical abuse as well. But with your story, those things haven't been happening and you were caught completely off guard and now really shocked. I would be too if I were you.
Without any of the typical "symptoms"....I'm stumped on why he's doing this. The first thing that runs through my head is whether he is having an affair and because things seemed happy as far as you knew....do you think he's capable of doing that to you even though as far as you know he hasn't? If it's not that, do you think maybe he's going through some kind of a mid-life crisis on top of the fact he recently lost his mother and he's in a grief mode right now? I'd definitely push him to answer any question you have, and honestly answer the questions. My experience is most men don't like to be "interrogated" but you need answers as to why this is suddenly what he feels he wants to do.
Sending you some hugs and keep up posted on how you're doing!! Sunshine!
I have only been married 9 and half years. Me and my wife are sperated becaause of how I was acting last year and a half. We also have a 3 year old and 6 year old. The issue maybe from my anitidepresents were not helping me anymore. The more I think about it the guiltier I feel about it. The signs were there but I was optimistic, in denial, stubborn whatever you call it my wife didnt agree. My mom died just before my wife noticed the signs of our problems. I've never been able to deal with loss well. Its been three months and my wife said that I need to find myself too bu always brings up the idea of divorce and it kills me. I am a child of divorce and I don't want my children to go what I went through. I am just trying, with the help or more effective meds, to be a better person. It may be that I didnt recieve the support that I THOUGHT I needed when my mom died so I just repressed and that may be what is happpeninng with your husband. I don't have any concrete answers, I'm still seperated and don't know what to do. Sorry I couldn't be more help
@Eventually Sunshine: Thanks for the hugs. I need a lot of support during this time. In 6 days, I went from happily married to separated against my will and facing a life alone. It is not another woman - I'm confident of that. I'm also pretty confident that it IS a midlife crisis. He took 40 hard, and I think the hum-drum of parenthood and the boredom of a marriage that is not exciting anymore was most of the reason. He feels that he's spent his life 'serving' others, and he feels now entitled to some 'him' time, before he's too old to enjoy it. We are very, very civil and friendly during this time, which is even weirder. He asked me to watch a movie with him last night after the kids went to bed - I turned him down. I figure it doesn't make sense to pretend to be his friend when we are not in front of the kids - it just makes it harder for me to move forward. Around the house, it's as if nothing is wrong, except for his plans to untangle 20 (includes dating) years of togetherness.
@Joey Kilmer: sending hugs. Sounds like we are likely on the same roller coaster of emotional mess. I have only survived the last 6 days by a miracle and a lot of support from friends and family. I have decided not to be nasty or bitter - we have spent 19 years together and we will forever be tied together by our children.
I am going in 15 minute increments at this time. Right now, I'm making plans for my future (post husband). They include things like rearranging pictures and furnature, maybe a coat of paint on the walls and counseling. I am lucky to be in a good financial spot - I make enough to support myself and my children without worrying about losing my shirt. Husband and I have always lived way beneath our means, so that helps a lot.
....
And now, it's 15 minutes later, and I"m in tears, hurt and bitter...
Hi labbonk....just checking on you and hoping you haven't have too many "15 minute increments" of the sad spells today. I know exactly what you mean by having your feelings change SO fast. When my divorce mess started, I'd be on top of the world thinking I'd definitely made the right decision to finally be free from the biggest nightmare of my life, then it sometimes was only a few minutes later and I'd be thinking I was too afraid to get a divorce and what would I do and how would I really take care of myself? It's like a roller coaster ride, but believe me, you will come to a day when you have no doubts at all. It doesn't make it easier, but I think it gives you a sense of closure when there is no doubt left that a divorce is the only thing left to do. Even if he changes his mind and backs down from divorce, later you may be the one who thinks the marriage can't be saved. You never know what's going to happen until it gets right down to the wire.
I so wish this wasn't happening, we all know it's hard to get divorced regardless of why and who wants it. I'll say lots of prayers for you labbonk. Keep your little chin up the best you can and know we're all here to listen and try to help you through whatever comes along. Sunshine!
Hello Labbonk, how are you? Your story is very touching. Most of us went through the mourning of our lose before the separation, but you did not have that chance. Regardless, all the same motions are necessary. You certainly are on the right track and sound like an amazingly strong woman. Good for you refusing to watch the movie! If this is what he feels he wants, then that is what he should get.....by the way, is he in counseling? As I began reading your story, I thought he is probably having an affair. But I must say, the movie threw me off. It sounds like he is going through a very confusing time. Please keep us all informed....my thoughts are with you.
Free
Well, a lot has happened since my original post. We sat down and talked about the real issues. There is no other woman, he's just lost his mind (in my opinion). He did tell me exactly why he's leaving - none of the 'reasons' are worth splitting up a marriage over, but I realize now that I think he's going through a mid life crisis in the worst possible way. He turned 40 and it hit him hard. He lost his mom in December and that also hit him hard. He's disenchanted with the hum drum of family life with the same old routine, without anything 'exciting' to look forward to. Depression does weird and awful things to people, and I think he's in a deep depression.
He's now in counseling. He's still in the house at this time. We are currently living like roommates. He also came to me and asked me if I thought there was any way at all we might be able to work things out. I told him I didn't know. After all he has said to me, I don't know how bad I would be interested in working on it. He caused me an enormous amount of hurt due to his immaturity and selfishness. But I keep going back to the fact that I really think he's snapped and is not in his right mind.
I am hurt and I've lived a lifetime in 2 weeks. No matter what happens, I will never be the same, but I have to admit, I am much stronger now (mostly because I need to be strong for my girls). I have learned a lot about myself and I have also had an amazing amount of people supporting me through all of this. I didn't realize how many people truly care for me. I get phone calls and txt's off the hook. I almost feel sorry for my husband - he doesn't get any calls as everyone thinks he's doing the wrong thing. He's had at least two of his friends BEG him to reconsider because they see that he's not thinking straight.
I don't know what will happen from here. I am keeping my head high as I can in the meantime. It's all I can do to get through all of this...
OK, I"m a man and I have not reached 40 yet but I hope to god that my wife gives me another chance. My depression last year and a half had a hugely negative affect on our marrieage. I will regret it each and every day and don't think I will be able to forgive myself. Through all of my thoughts of remorse, I was finally able to realize that I had been hurt too. Wasn't able to recognize or realize that until recently. I know this is one man defending another man but try as hard as you can to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him if he has been hurt and not been able to express it. I feel like I could tell my wife that I was hurt too but I don't want to make it seem like I am trying to get her back. I may need her to ask me about my feelings before I can share them I am just saying that men, admitingly simple creatures, need to be knocked in the head before you can get some things out of them. I am in no way doubting any feelings that you have had but both of you are no doubt experiencing feelings. Maybe if you could share your feelings with him, he would be able to share with you. Or maybe just ask him and he would talk
Joey with hugs and extensions of hope
Joey,
Right now, all I can say is thank you for that advice. I don't know what the future brings, but with every day passing, I am seeing that my husband is hurting as well, and that depression has taken over his thoughts. I am praying about it every day, and I plan to work with my husband to help him through this. I don't know if we can save our marriage, but I sincerely hope he can help himself.
Thanks again for your story - that helps put some things in perspective.
Katie
Labbonk, I am sure you will make the right decision. Sometimes life throws some real curve balls. Although you may not have expected this in your marriage, it will make you a stronger person as well as your husband..... Sometimes those speed bumps just force us to slow down and take a harder look. One day at a time, thats the best you can do!
Hi, Labbonk....I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers! You're no doubt in a tough situation, but somehow everything seems to finally work out exactly as it should. I was happy to read you feel that even though this has been hard on you, it's also made you a stronger person for your girls. That's good!
Keep us posted on how you're doing! I'm sending hugs your way! Sunshine!