When I was 15 I was "dating" a 20 year old college student. He was very charming, and came from a good family. I had an accident in the late autumn that prevented me from walking for months. I had surgery in December of that year to repair the damage. We had broken up and then thanks to interference from my mother of all people got back together.
My surgery consisted of bone graphs and muscle graphs. I wasn't allowed to use crutches when I went to school because it was winter and the doctor didn't want me to slip or fall and then have to start all over. So during the day I was wheelchair bound pretty much, and it took lots of energy just to get up and keep a smile on my face during the day. My boyfriend helped my parents out and would sometimes pick me up from school and bring me home then we would "hang out" a bit and he would go home.
My routine was to come home, grab something to eat, take my pain meds that I couldn't take at school because they made me VERY drowsy. By the end of the day my pain was generally at a 9 or 10.
One evening, he picked me up and when we got home my mother and brother were there, mom and him started talking about religion and I was so not interested, so I had my snack and went to my room to lay down after my meds.
When I woke up he was on my bed with me, that wasn't anything new, he usually would come in to say good bye or just to cuddle, but not this time. We started to make out , I had a firm rule, I was going to my marriage bed a virgin...or so I planned. He kept pushing, and pushing to have sex, I told him no, he had given me a "promise" ring a few weeks prior I told him until it's a wedding band no. He decided he didn't want to wait that long. While he took my body I cried, as I was crying he was telling me how beautiful I was (Riiiiight, when he came to my bed I was wearing HUGE sweat shirt and pants, and had a brace from my ankle to my hip to keep me from bending my "bad" knee). Shortly after he was done, my father called up the stairs that he was home and my boyfriend left. I went down and took a LONG shower, ran the water cold. Took more of my meds (twice my normal dose) and went to bed, and cried.
The next day at school, my best friend noticed something wasn't right, and asked me what happened. I told her everything, and as I was talking a look of disgust was on her face, she told me "you were raped". I got mad at her I wasn't raped, how could I be raped?! We are talking about getting married when I graduate, if you are marrying the person you can't be raped. So we argued (we rarely argued), she wanted me to report the incident, and have the school call the police. I told her she was being dramatic, of course I wasn't raped, I didn't have bruise on me, rape is violent right? She finally dropped it and I got a promise she wouldn't tell anyone.
That night my mom picked me up to go home, and I told her about what happened, and that it hurt and he hadn't listened to me when I said no. I figured if he had raped me and I told my mom the same as I told my best friend she would tell me if I had been raped right, you can trust your parents for that kind of input. She said the pain and discomfort would go away in time, that it was called "bridal complaint". She said they had had a shot of whiskey before she left to get groceries with my brother, so before he came to me. She put my rape fears to rest saying of course he didn't rape me I wasn't really hurt and he "loved" me. Then we didn't talk about it anymore.
I had sex with him when he wanted to, didn't fight or bother to say no, he hadn't listened before so he probably wouldn't now. I stayed with him until he left me, because as long as we were together it couldn't have been rape.
My best friend and I drifted apart, she couldn't watch me lie to myself, she was always honest with me, and couldn't take it. So I lost her.
After he left, I started to read about date rape, I realized my friend had been right. I was a rape victim. I couldn't stand it. I started to cut on myself because I hated that I was so weak that I didn't fight back. I hated myself for being weak. It wasn't until 2008 that I read an article that explained why I froze. We have 3 natural instincts, fight, flight and freeze. Freezing is NATURAL!!! I always thought it was my fault that I didn't fight him off me.
I was assaulted two more times, but just typing out the first one is a lot for me. I can't do them all.
I am still dealing with the self loathing. It's still a huge part of me, and I wish it would just go away. That I could look in the mirror and like who's looking back at me.
I'm a mother now and a wife, I'm in therapy now and am working on healing. My therapist suggested I get online and join a support group so I am working with other people. So...here I am.