We all know the intense fear of change and the uncertainty of new situations and routines. When I suffered with an eating disorder, I was immobilized by my fears of taking risks or making changes, even though I was told I would 'feel' better. The uncertainty of life without an eating disorder, seemed worse to me than the perceived safety of the eating disorder.
Even though the eating disorder, and the affects it had on my life frightened me, the idea of changing, and the uncertainty associated with that, prevented me from taking risks to recover for many years.
The changes necessary for recovery will not get any easier by waiting. In fact, they are likely to become more frightening, as the obsessions of the eating disorder grow stronger (and they will). I can now see that my life became more and more 'narrow', the longer I was ill, and the sense of safety seemed stronger.
Becoming less afraid of change required me.....
This is sooo true... The need to feel SAFE can keep us clinging to behaviors that are destructive in their own right. Somewhere... We picked up the message that the world is a big and scary place, and that we are not up to the challenge of protecting ourselves. sigh...
I remember when I was very little and we had a fire in our house. It was a small fire... My dad had done some work in the kitchen and left a tool with a wooden handle in the oven. My mom didn't check before turning it on. I remember my mom waking me up in the early morning, and leading my sister and me outside. We waited until everything was safe again, and then returned to the house. I think, standing in my bathrobe and slippers on the cool morning pavement, that was the first time I realized that the world was a dangerous place. And that sometimes, danger could permeate my own home, and even my mom couldn't protect me.
I had nightmares about trying to escape a burning house for YEARS after that little incident. It left its impression. I clung to my mother for protection for longer than most kids would have, probably... As I grew, I feared the idea that one day *I* would be responsible for protecting my own kids; that they would look to me and expect me to protect them, even if I couldn't. Who would protect ME?
And so, in a great whirl of uncertainty, I suppose it's no surprise that I created my own method to keep me "safe". And that I was terrified to change, even when it became clear that NOT changing would destroy me...
And I can similarly recall the chaos that was my childhood and running into the woods sometimes to find a place to hide. All I ever wanted was a sense of security and order. Now I have created the ED monster to play that role and I am working hard to defeat him.
Thanks for a great post Jan