I recently found out that my boyfriend of almost 4 years had an online profile to an adult friend website. He was listed as bisexual, and there were posts on his interest in trannys. His profile picture was his penis. I've found that when I confront my boyfriend about things without much proof he denies and comes up with great excuses or things that kind of make sense. So I did a lot of research and thought I had enough proof that it was in fact him that was using the profile, but he claimed that someone else had hacked into and was using his account and he was definitely NOT bisexual. Ok, so I kind of believed it for a second, but knew he was lying deep down. Since I've been with him for 4 years, I didn't want to call the relationship quits, because if he is actually bisexual, I'm sure he's embarrassed to tell me, so he keeps it to himself and explores on the internet. Not great, but fine. I don't think he ever met up with anyone but I can't be sure.
Since then, I decided that I needed to snoop and find out for sure because we're to the point where we will probably get married and have talked about it a lot. So I have done the unthinkable, and installed spy software on his computer. Since then, I have found out that he watched porn almost 90% of the time I am not spending the night at his house. His porn interest consists of men and women... and a lot of interest in "shemales". I was horrified at first, heartbroken, and disgusted. It's been about 2 months now, and I can't bring myself to tell him that I know his deepest darkest secrets. I'm not even 100% sure I even want to stay with him, but I want to talk to him about it. I know that he will get angry and very upset with me that I spied on him, but what I really want is to have an open and honest conversation about this interest that he has and why he has been pretending to be someone else. I just want him to finally be honest with me.
I guess I'm on here, hoping to find others who have found out their significant others were bisexual, and how they dealt with it. I know the trust issue is a whole other story, and I'm sure once I confront him about it he'll deny he ever acted on anything, but there is strong evidence that supports that he has, and he still might be contacting people while we're dating, not to mention, I have found that he googles his exes on a regular basis.
Hey mylife. I just found out that my best friend of 5 years is bi, she never told me and we told each other everything. Tell your husband that your not going to be mad at him, and that you want an honest and open relationship. And try to get it out of him. I hope this helps you.
The fact that he is bisexual or has interest in transgender people should not be an issue. The fact that he posts pictures of his penis and tries to meet up with people online IS an issue. You installing spyware on his computer is also a problem...that is not the path to an "honest and open" relationship, no matter how necessary you thought it was. It's time for both of you to come clean or end it.
Yes, I agree that we both need to come clean. However, the first time I confronted him about it he completely lied about it. I even told him that if he were bisexual, I would be there for him no matter what, I just wanted him to be open an honest with me.
Also, in response to Melissa Lynn, I've tried to get it out of him by hinting at things, and it's not working...
Hello all,
been rereading the posts, and having not put any posts in here yet, I will do so eventually. I was going to point out to "Mylife", that you dont so much want to confront your boyfriend about his alternate lifestyle as just have an open "theoretical" discussion with him about it, share with him your thoughts. Dont go into it thinking you are going to "confront" him, as it will be carried out as such. And to him you will be accusing him, backing him into a corner, obviously he will get defensive, and deny. People don't like to be confronted, is a domination challenge. Broach the subject with him, he's going to want to know why you were on the AFF site? and why you were "sneaking about and checking in on him", the fact that he has an old aff ad will not even be in his mind when you start talking. Heck, you can always ask him what his interests are, what his turn ons and triggers are. (and sometimes just because we look at something alot, doesnt mean we want a piece of that...Ive looked at shemales....interesting...not my cup of tea...too many things to play with!)
Keep an open mind, if his curiousity is something you dont think you can handle, move on. Its better to separate now, then to drag a relationship on because you feel you can "change" him.
Just my 2cents. (playing on both fields....they are both Green on the sides of the fence!)
I really appreciated your helpful comments. That is his problem when confronted. He gets angry and defensive and lies. I have had many open "theoretical" discussion with him about bisexuality and he claims that is no way bisexual or interested in trannys. We already talked about why he was on the AFF site, and he said someone hacked into his account and has been using for years. I knew this was not true, but he wouldn't admit it. So I snooped, and found out the truth. He was using it, and contacting men, trannys and shemales, and has since then been watching this kind of porn almost every other night. Please excuse my language as I'm not familiar with the politically correct terms. I don't want to change him, I just want him to be honest, and have found there are many other things that he hasn't been honest about, and I don't know how to get the truth out without telling him I've been snooping, but want to have an open and honest conversation. Any help on how to approach this so he doesn't get defensive? I know he'll obviously get angry, but I'm trying to figure out the best way to approach him.
Well honesty only goes so far, if you have addressed the situation of the porn and tranny-transgendered pics and porn, and he still gets upset, you can only be understanding. It sounds as if he has a family upbringing where homosexuality is immoral and wrong, so for him to look at TS/TG he may feel as if he is not acting in a homosexual way (theyve got boobs.) He may have deeply repressed homosexual thoughts and feelings, he wants to act on them, but doesnt want to be judged or labeled as a "***, homo, queer" or any other term because of his feelings. I felt that same way for the longest time, then I switched fields and tried the same team. I no longer feel ashamed of this, I do however, still keep it a guarded secret from family as I do have some "old world" parents. Unfortunately, you may just have to take a step back or away from him and allow him to explore these feelings and curiosities he has....just dont try to help by bringing a TS/TG home and suggesting they play....it wasn't well received when my girlfriend did it to me 15 yrs ago. And while this reply is long and chaotic, I hope it can help in some way with what you're dealing with, really there is no easy answer for your situation, it will only come to fruition when he admits, or accepts and shares his true feelings. He may think that you feel disgusted by his "interest", so therefore he will deny it. Also, if his friends are the type that look down on gay/lesbian/bisexual-ism, then he is that much more likely to not admit to it. I hope this helps, Im here to talk, or listen..or be a sound wall.
He most likely feels embarrased & afraid you'll think less of him if he's bi so he denies it completely. The thing is, if he IS bi...does it turn you off/disgust you or are you open to exploring it with him? The main thing here is that he feel secure & safe in admitting he likes, or would like to have sex with men & TGs. Has there been a noticeable decrease in physical part of your relationship?
hi... i have had the same situation before and he didnt know that i found out... for right now dont say anything just keep doing the same thing you have been doing and just wait until he is ready to tell you himself because if you go to him.. it not going to be good at all and he will say alot of stuff that he doesnt mean and he might not talk to you for a while because he is hurt... so just wait