My boyfriend is physically and sexually abusing me, but I don't know what to do or what to think about it. Long story short. I moved about 6 months ago from Canada to Europe to be with him. I quit my job, said bye to my friends and family to start a new adventure with my boyfriend. Whom i love dearly and for the most part treats me with respect and love. I suffer from depression, and being in a new country with a foreign language and no friends is very isolating. Making my depression worse, and my boyfriend knows this. When we first met each other in Canada, he saved me from my abusive ex. Whom I dated and was raped by for 4 years. He pulled me out from a horrible relationship and showed me what it was like to be loved. He soon started getting mad at me for not doing things to and for him that he assumed I did with my ex. He started talking about how horrible my friends were, getting mad if I mentioned them. He even started to insult my family. But we moved passed that. He doesn't mention my ex anymore. He has been for the most part respectful about my friends and family, occasional little comments here and there. But i've come to believe they're justifiable. When i first moved in with him moving all the way to Europe, when we would argue and I wouldn't make eye contact with him he would grab my chin really hard and force me to look at him while he talked down to me. After a few times, progressively getting worse, i confronted him. And he apologized and told me he wouldn't do it again. And he really hasn't. But He has pushed and grabbed me in arguments since. A month ago during an argument i went to cool off in the bedroom, and he chased after me, grabbed and pushed me onto the bed, pinned me down, hit my chest and choked me. But soon stopped. I cried myself to sleep. A couple weeks ago my depression was at a low. I had a knife and was going to slit my wrists while he was sleeping. I stopped myself and I went to him bawling my eyes out. Telling him I need help. He got up leaving me on the floor crying and went to the kitchen to get water, annoyed that I had woken him. I went to the kitchen, telling him how bad i was feeling and that I was going to kill myself. He just kept saying lets go to bed. I started hysterically crying and screaming at him to help me. And he started to hit me. And grabbed me. Then punched me in the stomach and dragged me to the bedroom. He held me down and I tried to push away from him. After a while of him pinning me down, he spread my legs and I knew what he was going to do. I said no, i don't want to. At this point I can't remember what he said. All I know is i was so exhausted from trying to get out of his grip that I gave up when he put himself inside me. I let him finish and then I cried myself to sleep. I confronted him about it the following days. He switches between it was my fault and it was all he could do to stop me from hurting myself. To that he's sorry and it was the wrong thing to do. I let it go for a few days. Yesterday i told him I can't forgive him and I want to go home to Canada. He said fine and that he doesn't think he's the right guy for me. But apologized and wanted to make things right. He wanted me to stay and promised he wouldn't touch me again. But kept switching between he's sorry and its his fault, to its my fault for being too much. He then told me to leave him alone so he could play video games. Crying and confused and hurt, and again suicidal. I went to the kitchen to have a drink. Well to get drunk so i wouldn't think about hurting myself. To cut things short, he decided to get himself off in my mouth. I was too drunk to remember what happened exactly, but I remember saying no but him continuing until he came in my mouth. Today I asked him what happened. He said I asked him to raped me but half way through being in my mouth I told him to stop but he wanted to finish. This was after he had earlier that day promised to not touch me again. He's now calling me abusive. Im confused. Im really really confused. He's not always abusive. We're not always fighting. We laugh, and we have created so many incredible memories together. I truly love him. Im in a country with no one but him. And he knows this. So when he hurts me, he's also the same person that comforts me. I found myself crying in his arms, and cuddling up to him this evening. I love him. I don't know whats justifiable anymore. I feel like Its my fault. Im the depressed crazy girlfriend, how else is he supposed to react and still stay sane? Right? I need advice.
Book a plane ticket back to Canada right now. Please. Grab your essential items and put them in your travel bag. And go. Don't wait to say goodbye to him..your life could be in danger. You have gone from one abuser to the next. This guy was only nice to you in the beginning so he could get from you what the first guy got. The nice side of him is not real. He doesn't care about you at all.