hello to all.
i expressed b4 in my journal about my children, how they were conceived and other things. i've been fighting with my self going back and forth for years about wanting to get my children back in my life for good. and it's been over ten years since 6 of them were removed from my care, and im still fighting with myself. i have a total of 8 children; 4 boys and 4 girls;i currently have two of them with me; my 6yr old son and my 4 month old daughter. the ages of my girls are 18,15,12,4 months and my boys ages are 17,14,10,and 6.
because of my addiction to alcohol and drugs, i lost my parental rights of two; my 18yr old and my 10yr old. i keep in contact with all 6 of them as much as i can. but i haven't been there when they needed the most. i feel so bad about it all. what keeps me away is their father. when i see him, i get flash backs of the abuse that was done to me by him. becasue of all the abuse that was done, i suffer from ptsd, depression,and other things. im not trying tomake excuses here. im really looking for some advice and guidance to understand all of this. excuse me for babbling.... it's just so much. my children has suffered alot becasue of my addiction and im aware of that. sumthing keeps me stuck from going to the courts to get my custody back. but now,3 of my chidren are really struggling to keep their heads above the water because of their environment and what they've been through.
my 15yr old daughter is very sexually active and she smokes weed and also drinks. she's beenpregnant once and now she thinks she's pregnant again! she's very hurt,and angry at both of us. she expressed to me the other day about how her father hasn't been there for her; she also is dating a man who is 25yrs old! she's left home on numerous occasions and didn't return till days later! this is the norm. but i know that something has to done immediately!
i don't know how to approach this situation. i sit back and think to myself on how to handle it. i know that in order to try and attempt to save her life, i must go to nyc and file for visitation, then later on down the road, file for joint custody and get her away from that life she's living now. im not for if im still scared of their father or more so of listening to the judge. i just don't know. can someone give me some advice on this please?
Your children want you. They want your love. They want your attention. They want your approval. They want you to be involved. They want you to be proud. They want you to show up in their lives and be present. And they want their dad, too. And when things fall apart, they are left to sit there and piece together the puzzle. "What did I do wrong?" "Am I a bad child, is that why my mom drinks?" "Maybe if I was a better kid, they would love me." Children make up stories in their heads in order to understand and cope with the situation at hand, and unfortunately if these issues are not resolved each child will take whatever feelings they have NOW and carry them for a long time.
In the case of your 15 year old daughter, she is acting out her feelings by smoking weed and having sex. She is looking for something, just as I was when I was her age, and she has found it in these activities. Telling her to stop, removing her from her boyfriend, or taking her away will NOT stop these actions. She will just find another way to fill the void that she feels within her.
The best way you can help is to provide counseling for each of your children (school counselors are a great place to start) and provide them with a safe environment where they can share their feelings and talk about how they feel. Additionally, you getting help for your own addictions will speak volumes. You need to show your children that it's OK to get help, to talk about feelings, and recover. Children are smart, and they pick up everything parents do. Now is the time to act for their future and your own. I know you can do this!
thank you for your advice; i really appreciate it. i forgot to mention that i have 20 months and 29 days clean from all subtances. i’ve completed my treatment program and im back on track.
my children know all of whats going on in my life, and they are proud of me. but now, like i said before, im struggling about going back to the courts to file for custody. im not for sure if it’s because of what the judge will say and ask, or if it’s because deep down inside, i still have fear of their father. i no longer live in the same town as my children do; i’ve been away from there for 7yrs.
i also wonder if i do decide to remove them from that environment, will it change for the better, or get worse…
Congratulations on making it almost 21 months sober. That is a huge accomplishment, and that definitely speaks volumes to me. You wanted to change your life, and you got the help you needed. Way to go!
Custody battles are difficult because the judge is going to award custody to the person who will be the best provider for the children. And it is the responsibility of each person trying to gain custody to ask themselves, "Am I the best choice for my kids, and why?" And if you feel that you are the best choice those kids have, you need to tell the judge why. Does the judge know that the kids' father was abusive to you in the past? That seems like really important information!
I don't want you to put yourself into danger, and I don't want anything bad to happen to you or any of your kids. But someone needs to step in and provide a safe, loving home for all of them. Can you voice your fears to the judge, or a lawyer, and see what kind of support they can offer for women in your situation?
i plan on getting a lawyer to help me handle this situation. the judge doesn't know anything except whatever he told him. that man beated me, and raped me numerous times. it was so bad, that if i held my head down, he'd think i was thinking about another man and hit me where ever we were at. it's been over 12yrs since we've been together. but, i still have a little fear in my heart. i never planed on having so many children. but i wasn't allowed to take birth control because he thought i was cheating. i just don't know...
Thanks Blessed, I'm glad I got to read your story & congrats on all your hard work to stay clean & work to slowly get your family in your arms again, your a strong lady & I'm sorry for the pain you've had to experience/endure. I understand when the realization of walking through ones wreckage (past history, genetic links, the way one is raised) it is like the weight of the world & then too one learns skills/tools for the next generation to be rid of ever experiencing such things as we have, one of the books I read said it takes 4 generations to rid/learn from our past. Take care of you & all my strength is with you.
April
Not for nothing, but if your husband was abusive... how did he get custody in the first place? Good luck with the court. A positive ruling will go a long way.
If you're getting, and staying, clean, that's a good first step. It's probably the most important. Being an example, and someone your kids can be proud of is going to go a long way. And CONQUERING your addiction is something to be just as proud of as never having one. Perhaps more, because it's harder once you start.
Second, stop blaming yourself for everything. You do bear some of the guilt, but certainly not all, and feeling guilty does do a thing once you've cleaned up. Getting over your guilt, forgiving yourself, is the next thing you need to do. If you can't forgive yourself, how can anyone else forgive you?
One good way to get a start on forgiving yourself is getting involved with your kids now that you can. If you are still afraid, or uncomfortable, around their father, find other ways. Some of your kids are old enough they could meet you independently. Go to public places or school functions for the littler ones so you can feel more safe. If your children are up to the idea, perhaps you could write to them. I strongly suggest paper mail, over e-mail. It's more personal, they can save the letters easier, and you tend to slow down and really think when you're writing in pen or pencil.
Good luck!
Hi, am new to this site. I do wish you all the best in staying clean and sober. I am praying for you and your loved ones! Blessings
thanks to all of your comments and support. my husband got custody because of my addiction. i was 23yrs old when all of this occured. i was suffering from depression, dealin with my husband leavin me for another woman and her children, my mother's death and other things. i currently have some of the kids up here with me for the summer. so things will work out!
I am also new to this site, I want to congradulate you on your sobriety, and I pray everthing goes well with you and your custody battle, don't let fear stop u, the lord didn't give us the spirit of fear. 2 timothy 1:7
welcome to the site cash. i pray that u will find this site useful. im keeping the faith.
hello to all;
all my daughters are up here and at first when i saw them all, i got real emotional. then, we spoke about things that happened in our lives. alot of emotions came out and it opened alot of old wounds. it's so much that's going on with them because of me and my addiction it's very overwhelming.
my 15yr old is just not the same anymore. it's like i don't know her. my 12yr old is very angry, and my 18yr old feels like an outsider.