My dad died last September from a Non Hodgking lymphoma. I am in the need of some support. I live in Argentina, so I apoligize if my english is not very well written.
I feel guilty, because, when He was on remission, I tought that everything will be fine, so I continue with my life as usual. I don´t live in the same place as my father, I live in the city, and my mom and He lives in a town not far from here. I was with my mom at the hole proccess.Helping in as many ways I can. Going to the doctors, hearing the bad news, helping to forward the information to my brothers, holding the tears, so nobody else have to be down. It such a heavy weight, but I consider it was the best way to deal with the situation. Now I have many regrets. When He was in remission, I did not go back to my town as much as expected, I continue with my life, thinking that all the bad things have already past. Then the tumor appears again, and harder. All the chemoteraphy cicles (all the drugs), were unsufficient, ´till He died on another city, because my mom wanted to try something else there. My dad was to weak to perform the trip, but a doctor told us that he will be ok. He wasn´t, we couldn´t even go to the oncologist apointment, because as soon as we get there, My dad got worse, and we had to call an ambulance, and that was the begining of the end. He was admited into Intensive Care, and put into a coma (a drug comma), with an artificial respiratory device. a month living in that city, away from anyone waiting, hoping he wokes up, or waiting he died without any pain, just my mom, my little brother and I. So on september 6th, he died. And now I live my life questioning why did I agree to go on that trip. He was supposed to die, and he died far away from our love ones.I have many regrets, I tried harder to find treatments, other than the ones offered by the oncologists, and now I am still looking, hoping to find a solution, and also hoping not to find one. Every one says, I haven´t moun yet, that I still do not realize that he has died, and he is no longer here with us. Its hard. I just need to know if anyone else, feels the same ways as I do. Thanks for reading, again sorry for my bad english.
Good bye
Your English is very good, please do not worry. It is very normal to feel regrets and also you always think what you should have done to improve his health. In this time life is very different, we are all over the world, not like before all family use to live close by. Only with time you will feel at ease, but always remember you did what you were able to do according to the circumstances, do not look back, just say a prayer every day and talk to your dad when you want, he is near you. It is very difficult to loose someone, I lost my grandmother many years ago and it is still hard. You are here, therefore do the best you can and enjoy life everyday, because it is a gift from God. Take care of yourself and God bless you always.
Marcie, Thanks a lot for your warm words. I hope the time to live at ease come soon. I walk trough the days, feeling such a weight over my shoulders. I´m trying the best I can, and I like to think that He will be proud of me. Thanks again.
Ivan, my mother died of brain cancer in '81 so your not alone but some things one has to do alone.
Am sure your father is very proud of.
Take care & all my strengths friend.
April
April, thanks for your reply. May I ask, hope its ok, how do you overcome the loss? I mean, do you talk about it with someone? your family helps you? that kind of things, again thanks.
My sisters & I talk about it sometimes, not as often as we use to as it was 30yrs ago. We all resemble her & have alot of traits/personalities of hers so we find some comfort in that as I'm sure you do & I must say I really admire you for putting so much effort forward in talking/helping others here as that means alot & will guide you through your feelings in knowing that your giving something positive back.
Why does your signature say "Please be proud"? Why would that even be a question in your mind as your so worthy of him being proud of you.
Big (((HUG))) friend.
April
April thanks a lot for another reply on this post. Thanks for those kind words, I can assure you it makes me feel better. I think its very nice that you and your sister talks about (more in the past that now, but you tak about at least). I can not talk to anyone from my family, it makes me feel uncomfortable. With my Mom I can´t because it hurst a lot. My brother, well, the biggest one is married and with his own problems, the other one, well he is mentally handicap, and the youngest (I am in the middle as you can see), well, he just started his university, and well, he es very busy, and I don´t want to disturb him. My girflriend sometimes notices that something bother me, but is very difficult to talk to her, because I feel like is in vain.
Regarding my signature, it has a profund meaning than just the proud thing. Its more like, I think that hoping he is proud of me, is like have him closer, I don´t know how to explain it.
April, again thanks a lot, and yes, I found good things on this website, I found that much people are having all kinds of troubles, and it is nice, and natural to me to try to help, in some topics I know more than others, bue maybe a few good words, can help anyone.
A big HUGE April, thanks
Give your family much need time & patience. It IS very difficult all the overwhelming emotions & helplessness that accompanies these types of situations.
Your an asset here to all of us.
Now get to work friend & spread your much needed knowledge to others.
April
April, thanks again, I work on a company where I have internet access without no issues, so I have this website open, and refresh it from time to time. I will do my best to help, in any way that I can to whoever need it.
Huges.
Hello,
I know I'm kind of late but I just joined this support group because my mom just died of Brain Cancer last week. It's so hard, but I find that it's easy to talk to people who know what I'm going through. I'm only 20 and I'm in college, so unfortunately the ones that know what I'm going through (my family), I'm not around all of the time, so finding someone like you who lost your dad to it is good to know. I'm so sorry about your dad. How are you dealing with getting over this. I know it's hard and you are still grieving. I know I will be for a very long time. My mom was my best friend.
Hi Kmaja, glad you joined this site. My heart goes out to you & I cant say enough words for your lose. Please keep chattin on this site & others will respond & offer their words of wisdom & talk things through together.
My heart aches for you friend & your profile says it all. I have sons your age so I understand how lost you feel, we're here.
All my strengths.
Love April