I want to help my daughter because the past 2 boyfriends were nasty and now she has another boyfriend who is worse. He is a very possessive man and agressive with her. He wants to control her life according to his needs and not taking in account what she wants or needs. He wants to suppressed her in all her goals or ambitions in life and wants that she would do whatever he wants. She thinks he is going to change. He is a 33 year old guy who is divorced and has a 2 year old daughter and that he has lived a very poor family life in his infancy. My daughter wants to protect him as she has protected all her other boyfriends in the past. She is single and as a mother I see she has a very low esteem. She is 27 years old and has accomplished many goals in her life up to know. She has graduated from college and now she is working hard but from what I see and observed she depends on this guy on whatever he says. They had lived together since a week that she met him at her job and this relantionship has gone through a year until the last 3 weeks that she asked me to come and help her. He is no longer in her house but she is dating him. She asks for help but she is not paying attention from what is really happening. She didn't have a male figure in her family. Her dad was a very poorly and no caring father. I took his role.
What I think also is that she is replacing the figure of her father that she didn't have.
She is a person in need of love and support of a man but her choices and her decisions in her life from my pont of view have been wrong. She grabs whatever is on her way without paying attention what is wrong with them. This situation is that she thinks that something is wrong but she doesn't realize and do something to look for help for a third person and not me. I know that she loves me dearly but I don't think she would pay very close attention what I say to her.
Please advice me what to do. I appreciate very much your help and advices.
Hi Olis, I am so sorry for what you are going through with your daughter. I am not a mother, but I have a sister who is quite a bit younger than me, so I can relate to how it feels to watch someone who you love so much be with a man that is wrong for them. I went through a very rough period with my sister, because she was with a man who was so wrong for her in every way (I won't go into all of the details). This really put a wedge between us and I decided that I have to be there for her, listen to her and support her. One year later they broke up and she was heart broken. It was then that I learned that sometimes people have to go through these relationships in order to learn and grow. And, it really doesn't matter what we say or think, because they will keep moving forward with these relationships. I recently spoke up to a close friend of mine about her bad relationship and she stopped talking to me.
If you can try to be there for her and support her [as hard as it may be], and pray that she moves off and away from this man, then you will maintain your close relationship with her. My parents objected to several relationships of mine, but it didn't cause me to break them off, just caused me to distance myself from my parents. I wouldn't tell them anything about the relationship anymore because I didn't want to hear it. This was all in my 20's. Now that I'm in my late 30's, I can see everything so much more clearly.
Please know that I am here to help you through this in any way that I can.
You know now that you both mention it, looking back when I was really young I had my mom around for a bit then she had several miscarriages and I spent a lot of time with other family members. I think this is where my mom and I began to grow apart. I remember being 5 and coming home to finding Grandma mopping the kitchen floor and saying where's mom? Grandma just matter of factly said that she was in the hospital having the baby and that Grandma wanted her to come home to a clean house. This separation just got worse and turned violent in my teen years. My Dad (and I'm just finding this out now) was the child of an abusive alcholic and we know that there is mental illness in the family as well. My Dad is a boy in a man's body. There is no maturity there at all. He married his mother (my Mom) who is a drill sargent. If things weren't her way she would go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds.
What I am trying to say is this...I have had a hard time with relationships with men. It is all or nothing for me. I am afraid of loosing those close to me. MY Dad when he could stood up for me and I for him and to get back at us, my mom made me choose it was either her or him and I chose him. I knew it didn't matter anyway. When I look at marriage I did it for 10 years and then I couldn't handle it any more. I couldn't keep up the happy facade. I knew I had to keep going for myself and my daughter and that I did!
You are right on, this is all related. But, unless we take the time to reflect we will never find our true potential!