My Dearest Friends I am very sorry

Hello my friends,

I would like to apologize for disappearing so suddenly and not being able to be there for all of you struggling. I really feel terrible and everyday it has eaten away at me.
I am so very sorry.

I just haven't been able to bring myself to face all of you. To admit that I'm not doing well. Eating two meals, and binging at night to make up for it. Wanting to loose weight but not doing it because of my binge. Starting to purge again. I haven't wanted to change; except to just not binge. All I want to do is feel my hunger and let it eat away at me. But at night I can't deny my hunger any longer.
With my work schedule I wasn't eating lunch for a while, that or dinner. One of those meals.
Anyways, so John came over one day and I was forced to have all three...and I actually said no for the first time. "No I don't want to eat" I could see the worry in his eyes. We settled on alphagehtties. He ate his, but I couldn't pick up my fork. It was like there was a force holding me back. I was so scared. I didn't want the food, I wanted to run away. It took my an hour or longer to finish the small amount. It was all so surreal. I hated the food. I hated it going inside me.

And today John and I are celebrating my birthday. My real birthday was October 1st, but we decided to do it on the same date as our first date for a double celebration. I don't know what we're doing at all and I'm worried for food. Worried for the pressure.
And then the next day is Thanksgiving. I'm going to John's dad's house. All the food. I'm so scared.

I don't even know if I want to get back on track.
It's too difficult.
Too .... blah
Is skinny so bad? Is a flat stomach so wrong?

Ugh, I don't even know....

I'll let you know how today goes and I'll respond to all your posts tonight or tomorrow.
I love you all and I'm sorry again for leaving so abruptly.

Paige xoxo

Its okay Paige. We understand. I'm sorry you're stuggling. So am I. I've missed you though. I hope today goes well.

Thinking of you
Allee

I feel your pain too Paige!
Somehow ED convinces us that we have to do it his way in order to be skinny. Do you know how many people out there eat 3 or more meals a day and would qualify as our ideal of beautiful? I have found for myself that I eat like half as much when I have 3 or 4 meals a day as I do when I restrict and then overeat or binge. It is completely possible to have a flat stomach without having an ED. But in order to get there we have to go through recovery and dedicate ourselves to it 100%. We have to let go of our body goals and our diet mentalities. We have to learn to love food for the fuel it gives us and learn which foods make our bodies feel best.
Are you at a stage of recovery where you are eating only until you are full? This upcoming Thanksgiving will be my first since I started recovery (and maybe even first ever). I am looking forward to the challenge of tasting everything that looks good to me while still honoring my hunger and body. It makes so much more sense to me to maybe have to eat twice that night than eat until I'm so stuffed that I can't do anything and feel sick.
Anyway, I know you probably know all of this already I just wanted to give you a reminder. I believe in you and I know you will do your best. Keep fighting, you deserve to recover!

me--- i could never have a flat stomach cause i have IBS and well--i ll always be a cow, anyways..so...you know--im just fat fat --always...even if i lose weight i still look big! i am an ugly worthless dog...

so no flat stomach for me just bloating bloating, fat and --well more fat....

Paige…struggling is part of the process, and support is essential. Thank you for sharing! Please continue to write and go easy on yourself…use your resources and take care of yourself!!
Maureen…you are not your body dear friend…Perhaps you can talk to your therapist about doing some identity work?
Thinking of you…Jan :heart:

Maureen!
I thought IBS was treatable.
I see that your ED is with you today. I'm sure you know that you are not a cow or a dog or worthless or even fat. I'm sorry that you are struggling today. I know you can fight this so please keep trying.

iBS yes is treatable–but guess what? the SWELLING isnt. they canonly help your condition… not cure it …and the medicine that slighlty helps the swelling—i am allergic to all the types of that medicine… so, yes the other aspects of IBS are treatable but NOT the bloating aspect of it. it is something i have to suffer with always… looking pregant when i am not…

i know i am being harsh . it is how i feel. Ed is killing me today and torturing me like crazy. it sucks.

thanks

maureen

I'm glad you're back, the more support the better :)
try not to worry so much about eating tiny amounts. your body needs food and when you nourish it, thats a positive thing. just try to nourish it through meals and not late night binging. but even if you mess up, tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start towards getting better :)

Hi Paige and Maureen,

I am so sorry that you are both struggling today.

Maureen You are not any of those things. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I know you dont believe those things today but I do. Know that we are all here for you.

Paige,

Im so sorry youre struggling. You do not need to apologize but know that when you are feeling like you dont want to be on here that you probably need to be on here the most so that we can support you. I hope you are having a better day today. please let us know how we cna support you!

thanks sooo much nicole

paige id like to apologize for ED getting on here and acting a fool. i am trying something new this month--that is --complete honesty on here...before i would always try to sound perfect---perfect---replies---perfect post.

this time around i am getting to my real feelings, harsh as they are--and you know what? it doesnt sound pretty but it is making me FEEL much better--honesty just makes you feel great... it doesnt sound good but it lifts a weight off your back...

so im sorry. ED is killing me now---have i given in? NO. although i cant eat much cause of my stomach today and that really angers me--here im trying to eat and--sigh... it is hard...

love you paige---

we are both going through hard times now. i do beleive we are strong enough to get better...

love
maureen

Hi, you must be Canadian....Thanksgiving is tommorow. My boyfriend broke up with me this past wednesday over Thanksgiving. He said he cant continue to make excuses for my not eating around his family and that I have clearly chosen ED over him. You're bf sounds a bit more supportive, so be thankful for that. How did Thanksgiving go? I avoided it all together opting out of my family get together :(

Dear Paige,

I'm so, so very glad you're back! I've truly missed you, and I was beginning to worry...

At any rate, I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I truly am. But I know you can pull through this. You're an *incredibly* strong person and a true inspiration to me--no matter how many times you mess up. You NEVER have to stay away from this site out of shame or embarrassment--that's just the ED talking. Stay on here, and reach out for the support you need. I know you'll pull through this.

Again, so glad you're back, and thanks for posting!

Love always,

Vero

Thank you all so much for the warm posts, I truly appreciate it. I really missed you all <3
Yesterday was such a good day. The best I've had in so long! I'll make another post about it.

Allee: I've missed you too and I'm sorry you're struggling. Even though I wasn't on here I was always thinking about you.

Britta: You are so right about eating less when you eat throughout the day. Obviously eating ENOUGH, but when I restrict at the end of the night it's kind of like "Okay! I did it and now I can eat whatever I want" And it always gets out of control. Yet everytime I say to myself I can push through and not binge. That I can go through the whole day with little food. But it's like my body just can't handle that anymore. And it's never healthy foods either. Always sugary sweets. Granted I know these can be part of a balanced diet, but you don't get all the nutrients and vitamins you need if that's all you eat, you know?

Maureen: I hope you don't believe you are those things, because rememeber...You are a Goddess and I worship the ground you walk on :) hehe
And no need to apologize for your ED showing. That is what this site is for so just let your words flow instead of making it all positive. No masks on here my dear <3

Nicole: You are right about needing to come on here when I DON'T want to. Because it really does help.

Jan and something_new: Thank you very much :)

Lilac: I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend :( John and I sometimes go through the same issues too, but try to become stronger from it. Take his words and try to turn them around. My Thanksgiving is actually today and I'm still a bit nervous. But John will be by my side so I know he'll help. I'm sorry to hear that you didn't go at all though :( One day you will though :) I know it!

Vero: I've missed you too my dear <3 and thank you for all your kind words. You keep me strong :)

I'll make another post about my more positive yesterday :)

Paige xoxo

thanks paige---hehehe your funny---- your the goddess remember that! and i m gonna get you a birthday card soon, we just got back from my birthday trip...ha...

i hope soon--we see ourselves for the true image we are--...you know? see the truth and not a lie...like--say i did gain a bit of weight recently --but --i just now try not to body check --it is not helping...

i really do do hope you can call your THERAPIST and tell her what is going on,paige you need additional help...

yes--it is great to unveil our true feelings--it is healing...

love ya!

maureen

Paige,

Remember that none of us expects perfection... It isn't POSSIBLE. ♥ Just be YOU, and we can never be dissappointed. Honesty is tough, but it's the only way to truly HEAL. ♥

So glad to see you back!

Love,

Jen

Thank you Maureen and Jen,

I am hesitant to call my therapist because she is new. The one that has been with me through ALL of this has taken a year off because something is wrong with her son...

I'm scared to go back after telling my parents I didn't need therapy anymore. I'm scared to go back and tell someone EVERYTHING again. It almost doesn't feel worth it....

I'm doing better today :)
Paige xoxo

Paige,
You are always worth it! I know its scary but its necessary. Do whats right for you. It doesnt matter what your parents will think. It will matter if you get sick again. If you do what is right for you, and you tell your parents that maybe you changed your mind, they are going to be proud that you knew what You needed. Its better then them telling you that you need help right?

For me, I had to tell my parents for the first time EVER that I needed help. Yeah it sucked telling them. Yeah they were concerned. And yes its going to suck telling a person I don't know everyything for the first time. But you know what I know I need it to live the life I want. And its ten million times better than me coming home completely emaciated and them Freaking out! They are proud that I am taking action instead of letting it eat me.

I am really glad you are doing better today. Thinking of you.
allee

paige for sure--you are worth it--go ahead and CALL! dont be scared--unveil like you have here--additional help is not bad, it is good--to get at the root of the problem... remeber-the root needs to be addressed or you cannot really get over ED...

love ya

maureen