My ever changing battle

I would really like some perspective if there is any out there. I have lived with anxiety and OCD most of my life. It went away for a long time and now it's back with a vengence. I went off my meds for a long time and now I'm back on them. I went to a therapist for awhile recently, but I seemed to know more about it than her. Lately I've had these terrible thoughts that I'm going to stab my wife to death. I've never hurt anyone in my life. I've never even thought about it till now and it scares me to death. She is the most important person in my life, and I don't understand where it come's from. To think there is a knife in the kitchen and I could do it in a second causes me to get an uncontrollable body tremor. I know other people have the same thoughts, but I'm having a real hard time dealing with this one. Does my subconcios really want to hurt someone? To know how it feels to kill someone? People tell me that I'll never do it, but how do you know? How does anyone know what theyr'e capable of? If anyone is out there who can help me please reach out, I could really use the help.

Hi, I have OCD as well, someone advised me not long ago on this website, not to try to figure out the obsessions. Doing that will make them worse.

You don't want to hurt anyone, it's just your OCD going crazy on you. Don't be afraid, it's just your OCD.

You must constantly remind yourself on this fact in your head.

I've sent you some links to articles on OCD, hope those will help you.

Before I knew that I had ocd/depression I went through the worst time I have ever had, times 10. I would not have wished it on anyone. My thoughts were uncontrollable and I could not tell what was real anymore. I checked myself into a mental hospital for a week and got help. During this time one of the many horrifying thoughts/obsessions/intrusive thoughts ect. was that I would sleep walk and kill my family. It was so bad I tied myself to the bed one night because I was so terrified.

My thoughts turned very evil and I thought for sure I was the devil/antichrist.

That was 7 yrs. ago and now with the help of meds, exploring information about what happened to me and with support from other sufferers I feel much better today. So much so that my days are typically good and because of my ocd I find a way to get suspicious about "why" I feel so good and things are well in my life.

You will learn to just accept these awful thoughts for what they are, meaningless background noise. Do not give any legitimacy to them it only gives them more power. Trying to make sense out of non-sense only leads to more confusion and despair.

Again, I encourage you to learn the value of ignoring these intrusive thoughts and not assign meaning to them at all. Hang in there, you are definitely not alone. Akita