I have a friend, a wonderful beautiful friend. A friend that helped me go to the doc when I was at my lowest of the low and got me on anti-depressants...i am so grateful to her for that.
However, I don't think she understands my depression and how bad it is. I know I have let her down, and for that I will forever feel guilty, especially when she has been so good to me.
But today we were supposed to meet in town for a few drinks, I was totally up for it, but then when I couldn't get a life home I said no. She replied...oh right well I'm sure I'll see you sometime over the Christmas. I'm not paranoid, that was a diliberate dig as in maybe you'll bother your arse to head out and meet us over the Christmas.
That puts an unreal amount of stress on me. I feel like she immediately expects me to not show up. I don't know if she's feeling like I'm taking advantage of her or something, but it's not intended. I don't know what to do...I'm so grateful to her for not giving up on me...but the depression has put a massive divide in our relationship.
I feel I'm working so hard in therapy, and it's great...she wouldn't be such a believer in therapy, but she wouldn't say it's crap either.
The other girls in the group although they don't know much about it, they listen when I speak about it and admit to not knowing much, but I do feel less judged...by them....it's just such a hard thing to approach.
i guess I'm just sick of being ashamed of my depression and made to feel like if I can't go somewhere it cos of that, maybe it's cos I genuinely can't get there.
I think perhaps your friend feels like everytime there's a bump in the road of your friendship, rather then address the real issue why it went wrong her inital reaction will be to blame the depression.
Admitting you are depressed was so brave of you MG, I have been on anti d's for 3 months and haven't told a soul. I admire your strength.
The next time she calls to get together, forget about the pressure u feel to now show up, its a new day. She isn't inviting you hoping you won't go, she's inviting u hoping u will! If you legit can't make it, say so and suggest an alternative :)
Hey hun,
Thanks, but I really am not using the depression as an excuse at all. I think she was thinking that I'd take this magic pill and I'd be "fixed" unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
She is one of my best friends and I really need her to support me. The other girls have been fantastic and have been there, but she just gets mad at me.
I do think the dynamic of our relationship has changed since recovery has started, I've quietened, become more settled in myself...I'm begining to become really happy. I feel nervous around her, like I don't deserve to be happy, like i should feel bad, like I should be ashamed and I'm being a bad friend, and like depression shouldn't be a feature in my life...but depression plays a massive part in my life, I don't want it too, but it does.
But I feel like I can't say no...to things without feeling this awful surge of guilt...like I'm not "performing".
I'm sorry it's just so much
Love you hun
Moongal x