My friend is always pushing me to come to her parties. I fee

My friend is always pushing me to come to her parties. I feel stressed about them from the moment she starts talking about them, saying that I should come and it will be so much fun. She really doesn't understand that her kind of parties are not 'so much fun' for me. It's like she doesn't get that not everyone experiences the same situations as fun.
It's ironic how I'm the one with ASD, but her mind is black and white in the way she thinks about how people should behave. I'm diagnosed with the disorder that makes it hard for me to empathise, yet in most of my relationships (not just the one with this particular friend) I am the one expected to do so. Here I am, again, telling myself to just go to this party for a couple of hours, leaving me exhausted for a couple of days (prior and after by the way), so I am a good friend to her. But now I just realise that maybe I should be more clear about my boundaries and my limits? Is she a good friend when she expects me to turn up even when it costs me so much?
How do I explain this to her? I've tried to, but she tends to make it really small, saying 'but it's fun'. I just don't know how to explain how I am as a person without coming across as a whining pessimist. But then again, why should I let loved ones make me feel this about myself?? Do I have to let myself be put in this situation? Ahhhh I am so confused and stressed about this...

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I am sorry. and that is ironic. can you just make up some plausible excuses and get some space here? gather yourself, and then talk to her?

@norseduncan thank you for your reply. I don’t really like excuses, so I try not to do that. I think I do have to just talk to her. I think I will tell her I won’t be there and give her a short explanation, and that I will explain more thoroughly next time I see her face to face. Why is conflict with friends so hard??? I don’t have any trouble confronting people professionally…

Does she know you have ASD? If she doesn't, it might be helpful to inform her if you choose to open up. If she already knows and she pushes you that is a form of being selfish. Since she is your friend, come right out with your boundaries and limits. Explain them to her and tell her that her idea of fun doesn't always work for you. That you guys can share time and have fun together, but not in the same way. As your friend, she will understand. If she continues to be selfish then that tells you what kind of friend she is. Unfortunately sometimes people try to be helpful by giving you tough love and wanting to impose something like a party on you for a good time, to let lose and try something new. She might think that she is being helpful, but if she's not, you definitely need to let her know. Stand your ground because when you happen to go out, you also need to enjoy yourself.

@newcomer94 Hi, thank you. She does know I have ASD, but I’ve only been diagnosed for a short time. So me and the people around me are still searching for a new dynamic that is right for all of us. But patterns of behaviour and communication are hard to break or adjust. So yes, she is being a bit selfish (and insensitive?), but in our friendship there has always been room for that because I let her be like that. She is very capable of self reflection though, so I’m positive that we can talk about this and work it out. I just need to find the way to break this pattern. It doesn’t help that I’ve developed a problem with setting boundaries in general. I think your advice of setting clear boundaries and explaining that we can “share time and have fun together, but not in the same way” is very accurate and helpful. Thank you!

I think you hit the nail right on the head!!

@Popkin im very confrontational myself. I don’t back down or shy away from conflict, professionally or personally. and I work with several who are the opposite at a job that often brings tough conversations with clients. in your situation it seems to me that this friendship will not end well if you don’t reset the terms. and if you are recently diagnosed, this simply just may not have occurred to her. maybe nicely but firmly stand your ground. I really hope this works out well :slight_smile: