My Friends im sorry

my dear friends,

I will not be on this site much --I am taking time off...
I just--cant anymore...I love you all, you are all precious to me, but I am too fat to be on here and --I cant --just cant bring myself on here cause--the focus on fear of weight and weight issues talked about on here is making me worse...

I gained a lot of weight cause I didnt eat hardly anything for 2 months cause of my stomach problems ...and ever time i intoduce food again, i gain a lot... of weight..so here--the cycle goes...I am big. that is it.. ( this has happend before) I have gained too much weight. I have now even gone over a bit... I am scared beyond belief and ED is calling...

I love you all. But I dont deserve love now. I am just too large.. I adore you all with all my soul, I do--know that! but I just dont deserve to be on here ---this site is for ED and i am too fat to have ED.

I will check my messages though and know I love all of you soo sooo much.... I will be on here, just not as much... i just dont deserve the love, now that I have gained weight..

Im soooo sorry , my friends....I am

tomorrow is my birthday, oh yippee....

much love and hugz,

and I will think of you all always and think you are all the most wonderful people in the world....

i am honored to know you...

love and hugz
Maureen

Maureen,
Hi, I am new here as of today. My cat died in the middle of the night last night. I just found this forum..

I would be surprised if you were overweight. What to you is overweight?

Myself, I am about __ lbs overweight since I lost my job 9 months ago. I've managed to loose __ lbs. through a healthy diet and exercise in the last 2 months.

I have always gone by the motto that if someone can't accept you the way you are then they are not worth your love. In my life I have lived by that. Dating women who were heavier then me, thinner, had less money, or had no job.

What do you mean " i just dont deserve the love, now that I have gained weight.." ??

I hope you one day will realize that beauty is on the inside. It is not being as thin as a tooth pic model on the cover of a magazine.

Take care,
ED

it is a long story , and this would take s while to explain–see people with anorexia —or ED, such as me—when they stop eating and regain eating again, they gain weight. simply put —cause my metabolism has shut down/ slowed up. you can gain a lot in a short amount of time. i dont know if i am fat yet–but i did gain a lot rapidly–this happens cause of a damaged metobolism…it sucks—actually i didnt mean to starve–ive been in recovery for a year now–but i couldnt eat much caue i have severe stomach problems which acted up something horrible recently. i really coulnt eat for 2 months almost. so now, that i am eating a little i gained a lot fast cause my metabolism shut down cause i wasnt eating. it is just biology–nature protecting me… i know, this has happened to me many times in recovery before and after anorexia relapses… i gain weight fast. IT WASNT BECAUSE I WAS EATING TOO MUCH,it was cause I WAS STARVING. so that is what happened…

i guess i cant say im over weight now–but i did gain a lot…just a couple weeks i was soooooo thin my skin was all dried up. it was weird. now, i wanted to gain, but not this much. my body just did what it wanted…

i do realize beauty is on the inside…i just feel–so–sad…i lost my control it is just not fair…to me… and your right about the dont have to be skinny like a model–no one should look like that … but women want to look like that. i have curves—and they do make me look fat. i hate my curves. i hate my curves–no matter what my fiancee says that he loves them. i do want to look like a stick…i know it is wrong, but it is what i desire…

i do beleive in beauty on the inside, though…i do truly and wholeheartledly but when the world is obsessed with thin, how can i focus on my inside??? im bombarded with messages of getting thin…

my fiancee well, he loves me no matter what…and im sure he likes me now better than a couple weeks ago when i was soo sick and thin— and even said he wished i gained… weight…
i just hate it…and i wished it wasnt quite as much…but hopefully my body will get back to normal soon…

thanks,

maureen

Never say you don't deserve love because you do . Nor are you too fat . WE all suffer from the same thing , ED. Its very terrifying we can all relate to you . Which is why i fell you should continue to write. Just remember one thing , your imperfections add to your inner beauty . And youre beautiful . I know its an extremely hard concept to grasp but you have to hang in there.
I hope you feel better,
-k

yeah you are right----i cant say i dont deserve love…i think of myself as conditional love–like i only deserve love if this that and this…

i dont love myself unconditionally . i dont . i dont even like myself if i am the weight i like…
i will try to write more, though…

thanks so much for your support and love and wonderful compliments…

yes ED is an awful thing to have–it does destroy you…
and your pride.

thanks so ooooooo much…

love
maureen

Maureen

You are still struggling like all of us and you deserve to be here as much as any of us. You deserve LOVE we all do. Im sorry ou feel this way. You have been such a great support for others here including myself. I think your beautiful even if you don't see it. I hope that you are seeing a counselor to talk about all of this..Im sorry your struggling.

Like EdNY says and you have said it yourself many times beauty comes from within..please try to keep in touch and continue to look for support so your not alone with these feelings.

Thinking of you..please take care of yourself.

I can now also understand what other are posting is hard to read sometimes..I have found that after treatment its harder to read what others share on here I didn't understand it before but I do now.Hang in there.

warrior grace–i have always looked up to your strength and admired it…so. you have such a wonderful head on your shoulders and brave…

thank you so for your compliments so much. i do feel i belong here–but i feel like you have to be thin to be on here–im past my normal weight sooo–then again im flunctuating like crazy–just 2 weeks ago i was scarily thin and even sicker–so grace from the health scare my body has had in the past 2 months–my body is going craaazy! i know beauty comes from within–i do beleive that! i do! i just wished the WORLD agreed with me–heck i wish t.v. and movies agreed with me too! i am in the minority thinking a persons heart is important… cuase every where i go—i hear–about weight loss, weight loss…

but i do beleive it comes from the inside–i do. i just feel no good about myself unless i am a certain weight and even then i dont like that… i dont feel like i have anything else to offer except my image of which i hate and try to change all the time. i feel no good at everythinng and think i cant do anything well. that is something i have to work on in therapy… cause i feel like–good for nothing, like ive nothing to offer the world…like im not smart or successful, or good…enough.

i love supporting others. this is the first month or so i have also received support cause i felt i had to write posts ‘perectly’ so it could help others. but i forgot about myself and that i might need help… i forgot i could use this site to help me, also and to help me --as much as others…

about reading others posts–it is not that they are triggering—at all…at all…it is just something i am going thorugh—i feel like when i keep reading about weigth related posts --it focuses in on weight itself as an issue…and is hard. but it is important to talk about to get help and i in no means, mean to say anyones posts are triggering here–cause it is not. this is something i am going thourgh…but i wont be off much and i will still be on…heck, i might not even go off? im on now? ha…

it is just i wont be on as much…thats all…but i will still be here–and i will sure as heck check my messages… for sure… always…

i felt better after i wrote that post. why?c ause i was being honest within my feelings and that helped. even though it didnt sound perfect like all of my other posts, it was honest in what i was going through and i felt a wieght lifted… even though what i wrote didnt sound ‘perfect’ enough for me…

love ya grace–and it is wonderful to have others that understand what you go through…people who understand…great, huh?

and thanks so much --grace you made me feel better…

hope YOU are well…

love

maureen

Hi Maureen,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way right now. I understand how you feel and Ive struggled with that for most of the years Ive had an ed. I thought I was too fat to have one and that I was just fat and there was nothing I could do about it. I thought if I could just get thin again then I would be small enough to have an ed and then good enough to get support. But if you think about it, we are thinking that way because we do have an ed and our eds are telling us we arent good enough to get better because it wants us to stay sick. An ed doesnt care about what size you are because once it has you in its control it will tell you what it wants you to do anyway. It just wants to control you and your ed is doing just that right now. trying to control you and tell you you are not good enough. You need really need support right now and you do deserve it Maureen. you are a very kind and beautiful person. Please allow yourself to find the love and support you need right now. You are worth it Maureen dont give up. Love Nicole

thanks for the lovely advice…nicole–it was wonderful…and it did make me think more clearly… thanks so much… i know ED wants me to stay ill and wants me to go back and keeps taunting me to go back… i dont want to -but im afraid–of this gain! this is the most if have had in any type of recovery from not eating for a while… it just i worked so hard–to get my body working nicole–from my past ED–and now? i have to start from scratch to go through the weight gain of re eating again and it sucks! i had maintained my weigth for 4 months of healthy eating and cured my hurt metabolism from my ED. and now? i have to start all over and heal it again—ughhhh. just because i coulnt eat for 2 months from stomach problems. i havent flunctuated like this in months–since my last relapse… i always flunctuate when i start eating again…

so now, i have to start all over–and im so mad… i mean, this month, my health was taken away, my finances, relationship problems, it is like–so much…im still hurting in my stomach still…ugh…and now–im gaining…

im so sorry for complaining–but it is better than letting ED take over–right?

but nicole, your words were such sunshine to me , and thank you so much…
you really helped me out a lot and–thanks…so much.
thanks so for the compliments…they mean so much to me…

sorry for the dumb…ramble…

love
maureen

thanks you for all of your kind replies so much .i forgot to mention my mom's( my mom has passed on) friend sent me a weight loss book---for my birthday! yes you heard me right! im sure i have told her of my ED. that just made the gain that happened--much harder on me and i felt horrible. i had already hated the weight gain.. but it just made me feel worse! i mean imagine! getting a weight loss book ---for your birthday--when you gained weight----and dealing with an ED/anorexia thoughts at the same time? ughhhh.....

i even read some of the book but man, that book is strict! stricter than what even i would allow! geez,i am so mad at her--and i even told her i didnt want that book!

ughhhh ..i dont even want to call her to thank her for the 'present'!

love
maureen

maureen,
I really don't know very much about ED. I saw a documentary about it on Youtube, Thin. I'm not sure if you have seen. What I could learn from the 5 young women (yes all women) who they followed around for a month in the documentary is, as you said, it is about control. It seams like most had things happen when they were younger that were out of their control that was most likely the root cause of the ED.

You really should try to put your health first, then your looks. If your metabolism shuts down that is going to lead to other health problems as I am sure you know. You don't look much older then 20. You're way too young to be having health problems at your age.

Take care,
EdNY

ok–that was the BEST birthday present–ED! saying i dont look older than 20 ! hahahahha

EDNY I AM 34!!! hahahhaha as of tonight at 12;00 am exactly when i was born, ha…i wish i was 20–ahahhaha thank you for your very kind compliment! hahaha for that picture was taken only a few months ago…

yes i should put my health first. if i end up with thyroid disease that is bad–very… i dont want to hurt my body --and if my metabolism is suffering now–it will get worse if i dont take care of it.

and by the way–yes i had HIDEOUS things done to me i couldnt control when i was a child, EDNY . for not knowing much on anorexia–you do know some…ha…
yeah it is about control–of the BODY.

thanks for the kind words, ED!

ha

love
maureen

Hey Maureen,

Your post is not true. You deserve to be here. Like you have said a million times, its not about how much you weigh. ED is a psychological disorder that comes in many sizes and shapes. And I think many would agree that we would miss you terribly if you weren't on here.

I must say- so many of us seem to be having terrible weekends if not weeks as well....

I hope your day got better. Thinking of you!

allee

yeah i know–this has been a hard time for a lot of us on here…i dont know why… ugh…but i guess what dont kill us makes us stronger–ok excpet for having ED…

i know i do beleive size doesnt matter to those with ED–it is just like --i feel geez… i should be thinner to have it–i guess like so many on this site----and now that i am heavier than my normal weight… i feel–scared…and icky and such… i know this has happened before —whe i stopped eating and started eating again i gained weight—and i just hate it. my life is already out fo control–now weight gain? i am just dealing with so much and now THIS. which makes me feel unworthy and unloveable and --undeserving… i know it is wrong and i have to tell my therapist about this–but we have not talked about my ED much for she knows more on sexual abuse…like what i went through. i jsut feel i have to look perfect al the time or i cant be loved. or worthy. ughhhh…something i realy really need to talk abou tmy therapist about.
but allee—i , must say–i wont leave. well, how can i ? you guys are too wonderful and my family. period. i feel more connected to you all —i am with my family now and they cant even hold a candle to you all…

i wont go…

yes you all changed my mind…ha

love
maureen

Look, you CAN'T leave! I just called to get help for my ED about an hour ago. I go tomorrow night and you have been part of the reason I got up the courage to go and now you are going to bail?

beautiful, im NOT going to bail, i feel like i want to bail, but i wont…

i wont… i feel–unworthy now, like out of control with my life and such—i wont–leave–i never said i was gonna leave---- i said i might respond less. i wouldnt leave… that i wouldnt do…

im happy my help helepd you wth your ED–truly i didnt know! at all! im glad i helped with that. and i wont bail…i wont…

i love you guys too much!

love
maureen

Maureen... ♥

I hear a lot of panic in your voice, my friend... I hear Ed... Ed wants you to believe that your size is what matters and that your worth hinges on that. That is simply not true, and I know you know that. ♥ Please try to be gentle with yourself... You're going through a LOT right now... Stress at home. Meeting Jan. Birthday. Mean "gift"... Really, any one of those things can be stress-inducing... And Ed's response to stress?? You got it...

Honestly, it is physically impossible to go from scary thin to fat in a week or two... ♥ You must see Ed in that statement? :) Bodies simply don't function that way. :) You might be FEELING like you've changed that much, but you COULDN'T have... TRULY. :)

Please remind yourself of the truth. You know deep down that you are WORTHY of love! And we deserve to be blessed by your pressence. :)

Love,

Jen

your right–the ED is forcing me to think i am only worth my body–image and size–and yes i know it isnt true…i t is just–hard… to go through–bodily changes now–jen when i dont want to…you are right . the stress. yes…but meeting jan was awesome! now thats a stressor i want! ha…

i know i couldnt have gotten that big–i cant say i m fat now–all i can say i s–i have a gained a noticeable amount of weight–shortly. it is just that i lost all the muscle i worked so hard on durign the summer when i was ill for 2 months, and the weight ----went in the wrong places and looks wrose cause of lack of msucle tone. it just looks worse cause i lost sooo much muscle from the illness…
but trust me,i did gain, if you would have seen me a couple weeks ago----man, trust me i gained…and i wanted to gain a bit , just not this much… i know i cant control my body. i cannot. i want to control it jen. i know it goes through processes i cannot control. i have to surrender that control. totally. i cannot control my body. period.
wow, so deep, huh?

huh…

thanks you all for your enormous support and wonderous love— i adore you all!

no, i wont leave jen --you guys are family…to me

love
maureen

it was cute--- my family--and fiancee made me a little pie witha a candle and sang happy birthday to me.... i felt fat--but ---i forgot about that then and there... it made me feel better--that they dont care if i gain weight. while--some of then annoy the heck outta me--ahahha---i did appreciate it much... i actually feel much closer to you all --then them( is that weird?) heck you know all my secrets. they dont..

my fiancee does though..that he does

guys--my birthday is in----3 hours! wow!!!!

i wil be 34.....ha...

i cant beleive it....

love y'all

maureen

Happy Birthday Maureen!
Welcome to the mid-30’s!