My husband and I have been married 9 years and the first few years were rocky. Well I just found out that 7 yrs ago he cheated on me with some random chick who he messed around with one day then met up with days later and had sex with. I'm beyond shocked and hurt and so incredibly confused. He was a different man then. When we talked about I broke down and cried and asked alot of questions and he cried , said he was sorry and answered them. I'm hurt and angry, and so many things but still I wanted him intimately.i don't know why, maybe because I saw him totally devasted like I felt , I don't know. Either way we had sex and it was incredible, something we haven't done in years. But I keep going in waves with the pain and the flashes of him with her. Am I stupid to do this? The stupid 2 day sexual affair was 7 years ago, how should I feel or deal with this? I love him and desire him in spite of this betrayal .please help me
You are not crazy, you are totally normal. The awesome sex is called hysterical bonding, and it's primal and a normal reaction. There are many people here with similar stories, and you are not alone. The knowledge of the affair is very painful. It will get better. Read a book together, go to counseling. Your marriage can still be great. It's wonderful that you still love him, and he should really be thankful.
I just feel so lost right now, I want to just forget it but it keeps popping up in my head and then I have these weak moments like right now where I bundle up in bed and just cry cuz im so hurt.
Learn about affairs and make your marriage safer from it happening again. Also create an environment where your husband feels safe to tell you what's going on for him. When in doubt seek out a professional as it's easy to get get stuck when you first start healing.
How did you learn about his affair? If he could not bare not telling you one more minute. He is truly sorry. He is also truly sorry that he hurt you and betrayed you. If it hurts him to hurt you he will never do it again. If you caught him by finding proof or some clue that is harder to judge. However, to him it took place 7 years ago. For you it took place yesterday. It is ultimately your decision to stay or go. However, if he is a good man and does not abuse you in any way. If he is carries his share of the load in the marriage and if you love him and he loves you. My advice is to seek counseling both Separately and together. If you decide to stay find a way to control your thought. Do not allow yourself to imagine him in the arms of anyone but you. If the thoughts come up change the thought to when you and he first met and how it was you that he was kissing and loving. This really did happen 7 years ago and He was young and stupid. Now he knows what he didn't know before. Now he knows that if he cheats on you it will hurt you deeply even if he doesn't tell you and that he will have to bare the pain of knowing what he did. I hope this helps.
@SilverLily Ilkust realized responded to your questions but it was as a comment on this thread and not a reply to u.
@hurtandconfused83 Welcome to SG! You will meet many wonderful people here, fondly called SG friends. The bottom of the page is a FAQ, it will assist you in navigating the site. The top right of this page are numerous groups, also there is a Support Someone icon, familarized yourself with them. You may join as many groups as necessary. There is an Infidelity group. Remember you're not alone, SG friends are here, to support, and be supported. Be strong the best is yet, to follow......
@Irma thank u
Thank u for the kind, helpful words. I found out because we had been fighting lately and texting back and forth and i told him to be honest with me about his one of his feelings and he texted back saying if he was it would hurt our marriage and it snapped to me that it had to be cheating. I called him and demanded to know what might hurt us and then he admitted that years ago he cheated and it's been killing him to hold it in but things were good for the time afyer the cheating and didn't want to tell me and hurt me. I had to drag the truth out of him. He rushed home and just sat by my side and listened to me ask questions and cry then he broke down . I feel it was the truth, he rarely cries unless it's something terrible. I mean am I stupid, should I think there's more? Our marriage was at its worse at the beginning when he said it had happened. He had changed alot through the years. After we we intimate he told me he was willing to do anything, counseling, anything. I know he's a good man I am just list on my feelings. One minute I just wanna curl up and die and the next I just want him to hold me . I'm surprised at my own reaction. I never would have thought I would react by being intimate with him the same day I found out he was unfaithful.
My question would be, has he done anything else since this one incident? I hate to be negative but my wife did it once and said she felt terrible and swore to herself she so would never cheat again. Well, a few months later, she started a 2 yr affair with someone else. Then later on she was sending nude photos to another guy and making plans to meet him. I found out and stopped this. My point it, she said she wouldn't do it again in her mind and did. Maybe the one time she liked the excitement so much, she had to do it more. I finally found out about it all on Aug 20th and now she is beyond remorseful and something clicked I guess and she realizes what she did and can't believe or understand how she could have done it. That is now though after its already done. Even when I discovered the 2yr affair, she lied about the one time sex with the other guy because she was scared to tell me. I finally found out. So if your husband did do anything else, he probably will be like my wife and afraid to confess. Sorry, not trying to make things worse, just thinking about my situation.
@Sdiamond1026 I understand what u are saying and I have wondered the same thing about him doing it again. It’s something I’m going to have to trust won’t happen again and sort those feelings out in therapy maybe. I’m so sorry u went through that with your wife. I just have to pray that God moved in my husband’s heart and won’t let it stray.
@SilverLily I am definitely going to try to focus on all the good we have and can have. I just have weak moments like this morning where I lose it. Of course it’s only been 2 days since I found out.
It’s crazy because in the past I told him if he ever cheated on me I’d pick up and leave. But we have 3 kids and I do truly love him so I don’t want to leave him.
He told me yesterday he couldn’t believe I would want him or desire him after what he had done to us. And on his way home to me he was expecting me to yell or scream and just kick him out. As twisted as it sounds I’m glad he felt bad and that he was worried about our future before he faced me.
I just hate that he did this and I know why but still don’t understand Why it had to be that.
Thank u for the help and kind words. I just needed some reassurance thay I'm doing the right thing. I don't think my friends and family would help because they are biased and I also just don't want them knowing this.
Is the feeling of worry when he's not around normal, the feeling of something bad going on behind my back? That's what I'm trying to shake.
When u said she lied so much what do u mean? Do mean, like many different lies, on different occasions?
Maybe not lied, but concealed. I had suspicions at least 6 times during the 2 yes that something might be going on. Like she started dressing nice and putting makeup on. I asked if something was going on with him. She said no, the women there were all pretty and she wanted to fit in. The she would say he is a professional and stays that way and would never do anything to risk his career or his license. I believed it because it made sense and I trusted her. Then she was looking up his girlfriend online and I asked why. She said she was curious to see what she looked like. Again I said is something going on. She said the same professional excuse. I believed it again. Then she was shaving her vagina the night before. When I questioned it, she said her legs were hairy and she needed to shave so she wouldn’t be embarrassed and shaved her vagjna too because she knew I liked it’s. Again, I was like are you doing this for him. She gave me the same your being ridiculous, he is professional and would never do that speech. Again it made sense and I trusted her. I was so stupid, all the clues were there. Then before all this, I caught her texting another guy. She told me she would stop and agreed to go to counseling. She snuck off and met him at Starbucks and i caught her and she admitted that and said she was done and nothing happened. She kept that lie for over 2 yrs til this affair was found out. At that point, I said you probably did something with the other guy too. She swore and promised that she didn’t, even to our therapist. Well, I was suspicious and had saved this guys number the whole time. So I texted him and tricked hi into admitting they had sex one time in his car at Starbucks. I went nuts and she still denied it and said he was lying. Finally she admitted it. These are the lies that I am referring to. How do you trust someone after that?
That is why I struggle daily. I love her still but so much deception. She is doing everything to make it up to me but she did so much that's it's hard for me. I'm mentally screwed up and have crazy anxiety over it all. I can barely function some days when I start thinking about some of the stuff she did. On top of this, she led me to believe all was well in the marriage and wanted w new house. I bought it and tripled my mortgage and brought on stress to make her happy. I bought her an updated wedding ring that she wanted. All this was while she was cheating. She still continues cheating after I did all of this. I don't understand how she could have me by a house and ring and still not stop. She had told me when I caught her texting the first guy that she wasn't happy and I was stressed all the time and negative and wasn't giving her enough compliments. At that point I said stop talking to that guy and let's go to counseling and we did go to counseling and things got better. Little did I know that she was already doing stuff with the massage guy even while in counseling with me. How does someone do that? I changed what she didn't like about me and what she now says led her to the affair. I changed 2 yrs ago and have been doing the same since. I stopped coming home complaining about my day and was complimenting her more, brings her coffee and other surprises, trying to be more romantic and making great efforts. She didn't even give me a chance and started the affair with him and continued it regardless of what good things she was seeing in me. She didn't care if I was 100% perfect that point, she was wrapped up and didn't want to see what I was doing and didn't want to stop. She told me she didn't believe I was able to keep doing what j was doing and that's why she didn't stop. That's an excuse because she saw me doing it for 2 yrs. Even if she saw me making any effort she she have given me the benefit of the doubt and stopped or not even start the affair.
@Sdiamond1026 well done for staying strong through all that. It sounds like the trust building will take quite some time, most of all make sure you’re looking after yourself.
If you are still in doubt I think it’s worth to ask your wife and if in further doubt make notes of what’s said as the stories tend to vary if they’re not the truth. Can’t remember where I read it but there was a quote “If you tell the truth you don’t need to have a good memory” Best wishes to you.
To be clear, she stopped when I found out about the affair and is doing everything now to try and make it up to me. She is doing great and I have no complaints about her efforts. It's just the stuff that happened that I am having trouble processing and getting out of my head and moving past.
@Sdiamond1026 you are do stron anf forgiving. I hope things only get better.