My Husband Is A Porn Addict

I am not sure how to deal with this. Emotionally it tears me apart. He has been doing porn since he was 13. He is now 23.We have two babies together...one on the way:^) I love my family so much and I don't understand why he puts himself and his addiction above his family.

I have been forgiving and trusting the past two years. For the past two years he has been so horrible to me. Always stressing me out, making me cry, yelling at me, lieing to me and not wanting to help with our 10 month old.

Recently, I went on a trip to see my family for a couple weeks. We had fought before my son and I left but had apologized to eachother. He acted as though he did not want us to leave but I knew we just needed to get away from the emotional abuse and just be happy for awhile.

I was thinking that it would be good for us to spend time apart. Then he would realize how much I do and how special we were. Driving 18 hours there and back gave me a lot of time to think. While I was praying and thinking...he was doing porn and going on a site called f***book. I looked at the web history and it said he had gone to numerous dating sites. It freaked me out all of the weird porn he was watching too.

I want to save my marriage...this porn addiction and his poor choices is ruining our family and our marriage. I want to be a good christian wife and stand by his side but emotionally it has gotten to be so much. I have kept hanging on for 2 years loving him because I keep thinking he is this wonderful person that I thought I knew....maybe he isn't? Maybe I just didn't get to know him very well...

I am not sure if he loves me...he doesn't act like it...he always wants chance after chance but doesn't change. We go to counceling and he says he is going to get professional help for his addiction.... When is enough? I am so sad....It gets hard to function sometimes...I would never do the things to him he has done to me.

I wonder if while I was gone he slept with another woman. He says he didn't but his word doesn't mean much anymore. I am scared and I don't know what to do. ???? I just wish my husband showed he loved me and our babies. I don't understand....

ANy encouragement and advice would be greatly appreciated!

God Bless!

Never underestimate an addict they will protect their addiction. Welcome to SupportGroups.com I'm so sorry for what your dealing with. It IS something that lies within HIM & he will have to want to do more about it for himself before it tears the whole family down. Do your best to not enable him or co-dependent this ongoing battle. Usually it lies in ones past, the way one is raised, traumatic experiences, genetic links if applicable. I only know these things from experiences in my own life & you would not want your children to have this passed on to them directly or indirectly for it can & would open up a whole other can of worms later on in their life. I understand how exhausting/frustrating this is for you & your family to not have his attention/interest or a different type of life style cause hes doing porn. We're here to talk with & listen anytime you feel like it. From what you describe you've done all you can do & this also takes time away from your children cause your busy w/his addiction.

Take care of you.

April

Thank-you so much for your kind words and advice:^) It is so nice to have support through what I am going through because I feel like I can not deal with it on my own anymore. It does take time away from my beautiful babies and it makes me so angry! They deserve the attention he gets. I try my best to take care of myself but right now I am emotionally a mess. I am trying to stay strong...that is why I need people like you in my life:^) Thank-you April so much! I don't want my babies to grow up and have this addiction so I know that I can only try for so long.....I know eventually if he does not fix it I will have to leave. I just don't want to. I want my babies to have their daddy:^) A good daddy:^) I think he can be....I just wish he would fight for us! Love conquers all...so why doesn't his love for us make it easy for him to beat this. I don't understand! You are right, he has protected his addiction and it really hurts me:^(

Much love,

Julie

Julie-
April makes a very valid point in that an addict will go to great lengths to protect their addiction, including lie cheat and steal. I don't know much about porn addiction except to argue that it's not a clinical addiction, more a compulsion, or a repetitive act driven by compulsiveness, but that doesn't detract from the unfortunate behaviors that it brings. Normally addicts carry around a lot of shame about their addiction and would be horrified if they knew people knew.

Also, in the world of addiction, omnia vincet amor or love conquers all is simply not true. If love did indeed conquer all then there wouldn't be an addiction problem because virtually every addict has a few loved ones in their lives who would do whatever they could to help the addict, and it doesn't tend to matter. The addict has to want to help himself.

The best way to understand an addict is to remember that as long as they're in the throes of their addiction, it is priority number one in their lives. Far and away.

K

Kopernica,

If he keeps trying should I keep standing by him? How many times do you think he will stumble and do it again? I just hate this...but thank-you so much for your knowledge. It makes me more prepared for the future.

I used to be addicted to cigarettes but I quit because of my family. They were more important to me.... all addictions are hard..but is this addiction compulsion worse than the addiction one may have to cigarettes...may be a silly comparison..but I am just trying to understand.

Thanks again:^)

Julie
How many times will he stumble, well of course I have no idea, but I could say that as long as you put up with it, he'll continue to do it. In other words, assuming he knows you know, if you're quiet on the matter, an addict will take that as tacit acceptance of the behavior on your part. At the least, you need to be clear to him how you feel about the entire issue, and further, what it will drive you to, i.e. throwing him out, leaving him, whatever the case. I know most people fear giving ultimatums lest they have to act on them, and it's a big risk because if you give one and DON'T act on it then you're perceived as soft and not of-your-word, and an addict knows how to walk all over that.

As for the comparison, I dont think its a silly comparison, just not--- in my opinion--- terribly illustrative unless looked at in light of what happens when you quit. Nicotine withdrawal is well documented and well understood. Porn withdrawal, in physical terms, doesnt appear to exist. It may be just as difficult to quit porn as cigarettes, i dont know, but quitting an addictive substance is so hard because the addict often anticipates and fears the coming withdrawals--theyre so awful, you feel like death, and in some cases you can't function. I just cant envision the porn addict rolled into the fetal position, vomiting, hallucinating, going through an analog of dopesickness on quitting. They might be consumed with thoughts and compulsions and impulses for porn, but the withdrawal symptoms aren't there.

That said, you say you quit smoking on account of your family, well your husband may need the same inspiration, but he may need it delivered differently. Whereas you maybe foresaw the need to quit for your family, your husband may need to be shown the need to quit, and the cost of not quitting. Does that make sense?

K

Oh yes is does make sense...you sound like you are a very intelligent person. I have given him ultimadums and then I have not gone through with them. I was always thinking this will make him straighten up. Then....I finally left....I told him I may not come back. I really wanted him to realize how much I do for him and how much I love him. He says he has a new appreciation for me but the whole time my son and I were gone he was watching porn and going on F***book and dating sites....?????. I don't understand. When things go bad it never even crosses my mind to be unfaithful! He knows the cost now and that this is his last chance...it took me a long time to get to this point...the point of accepting I can't change him. I can only be responsible for me. It gives me closure to know that. Right now I am grieving over the person I thought he was and now I am learning to accept who he is. I only knew him 3 months and then I married him. I really thought I knew him better...I was soooooooooooo wrong!!!!!

We all want to believe I did to through all the therapists (4) & meds that my so called husband would no longer manage for himself & I would not play med police or mother (enable) him to go to his appointments & even when one trys to attempt to be of assistance the addict becomes resentful, angry, abusive, blame game, etc. I thought I knew this person & OH BROTHER was I ever wrong so in my situation I decided to STOP everything & he would have to be responsible for whatever the heck he gets himself into, some days I'm still dumbfounded by what I see & how it makes others feel.

Kopernica EXCELLANT.

As distressing as it may be that when you and your son leave, your husband goes to F**kbook (new to me, had to check that one out), this isn't very surprising. Conflict, or stress, or emotional turmoil--- these things probably lead him back to his 'drug of choice'. I can recall having arguments with my boyfriend about my drug use and be half distracted by the growing desire to get the hell away from the arguing and just get high. It's the answer to everything.

You and April both are in my estimation in the right. Trust me, when an addict is around you, they are most definitely NOT thinking about you, or putting you first. They put themselves first every time. You really have to assume responsibility for yourself. It sucks and everyone wants another solution, everyone wants to hope that love will find a way.

K

I have a million thoughts so this comment might jump around a lot, forgive me!
To me there's a difference in being supportive and standing by someone, and enabling someone. You don't have to put up with everything just to stand by him. An addict will become accepting of their actions and justify them with thoughts of "well she knows about it, and stays quiet so it must be okay" and addict will start fights and make you feel guilty as if its your fault. I know from my drug of choice that there was no way i could just wait it out. my addiction wasnt going anywhere. i'm STILL an addict even though i've been in recovery for 2 years now. theres so much to learn as a loved one of an addict, i've been in that position as well. the one thing i can say is find family support groups. you'll need just as much help through it as he will. also, never for a second think that just because he suffers from this problem, and won't walk away from it, doesnt mean he doesnt truly love you and your children. However until he is truly ready to change, nothing will seem to work. That doesn't mean you need to be held captive. at some point you have to draw lines. at some point you have to stand up for you and your children and decide what kind of life you want to lead. it doesnt mean you dont stand by him, it doesnt mean you dont support him, but it does mean you're taking responsibility of your own life and no longer allowing him to run or be in charge of the roller coaster.... ive learned as an addict in recovery, and as a family member of an addict, i can't control anyone elses actions. i cant expect more out of someone than their willing or able to do. i can however learn to create my own happiness, my own closure, and i don't have to let someone else walk all over me. and i will always be responsible for my own actions, no matter what someone elses actions might be. its just as hard to do that, as it is for an addict to admit defeat against their drug of choice. but it is necessary, and i wish you the best of luck.
and im sorry if none of this made sense....
god bless.

Thank you Kopernica:^) Your advice is helping me alot! One huge detail I left out was that he had hid his porn addiction for about a year and a half. I had NO idea...until one day I caught him leaving the computer room with his pants undone! That day he had admitted to me how long he had been doing it and how much. I had no idea he was even doing it until about 6 months ago.

I had addressed his porn watching from when we were first together and to my knowledge he had gotten rid of all of it...he even sold his hard drive of porn to one of his friends!

It HAS been a roller coaster ride since I have found out...He has lied to me for a long time. He would even talk to me about how bad porn was and I was the only thing he needed...ugh.

Being a stay at home mommy,being a full time college student (online) and being 6 months pregnant doesn't really put me in the best position right now. My family lives about 20 hours away.

I am so sorry papermachedreams that you have gone through addiction and have had family with addiction problems too. It only made you stronger, obviously:^)

I do love my husband very much so it is very hard to walk away.....I surely don't want to enable him!! I have already left once...I should have done it before I did but I did it...I drove 20 hours to my sister's house while being 5 months pregnant and with a 10 month old...all by myself.

He knows enough is enough....If he backslides I will be hurt but will encourage him...but if he doesn't try and gives up then what can I do?? I will have to leave! I can't live with a porn addict for the rest of my life...some people probably could deal with it ok...emotionally it just tears me apart! I just have strong beliefs about marriage...so I am trying everything I can. It is his choice to change, though...you are very very right!

Thank-you everyone for your wonderful advice!

Tons of love!

I didnt know my so called husband is a cross dresser & peeping tom (felony) & MORE for fulfilling his addiction, again its a long process. I also didnt understand the ramification it had on my sons now 18 & 26, that took me another 2yrs. to rid myself of that guilt.

Wow! How do we not know these things??? It made me feel completely stupid really! Your husband must have been really good at hiding it! Mine was too...do they have no heart?

I couldnt say in your situation that your husband has no heart, I only know in mine that he has mental disorders that werent found out about til'04 & 4-therapists later & meds that he stopped taking & stopped therapy.....point is WE cant do everything for everyone & have anything left of ourselves. My husbands issues started WAY back in his childhood & genetic links, I only found that out through bits & pieces from his family over a 15yr. or more time frame, so it made it alot harder to configure what the heck was I going to do til about '05 & how to deal w/it, I went through most of what your attempting to do & then had to STOP for my own emotionally well being it cost me & mine dearly, it leaves scars for a life time, especially children for they NEED a GOOD STRONG male figure as you've mentioned before.

April,
You are so right! I am so sorry you had to go through that. I believe that God can heal all wounds and forgiveness can be found...but at the same time....I believe that he also doesn't want us to live a horrible life. He doesn't want us to deal with abuse or adultry. Those are things that give people grounds for divorce. I can only imagine what kind of scars it leaves...it is not fair that you went through that but you are a stronger person now because of it. My husband is walking a thin line and he knows it. I have been studying a lot about porn addicts and according to God it is adultry...it feels like that to me. It felt like he was cheating on me. But I know that if he can fix himself then we can heal..I can heal..he can heal...it is not my fault that he is a porn addict. I believe you are completly right, you have to save yourself.....you just have to love yourself and get out if they choose not to fix themselves. Love your posts APril and thank-you for being such a great support. THank-you for your advice...your experience can help people like me:^) There's a reason for everything right? Even though it was a bad experience...you are in inspiration.:^) :^)

Julie

Hope hes willing to do what it takes. Talk anytime you feel like & you give out good advice too keep it up.

Take care of you

April

I do too April...it scares me that he could be lieing to my face the whole time I think he is trying just like the past 6 months...I am just praying about it...sometimes that's all we can do:^)

Much love to you April:^)

Thank-you for your words of wisdom:^)

Adultery huh? For myself and my boyfriend, I don't see pornography as cheating. I can't, or I'd have to throw out almost every guy I've ever dated ... not to say I'd find addictive behavior to porn appealing, of course not. there's a lot not to like about it from the perspective of a spouse. but porn in moderation, that doesn't phase me. If he were interacting online with other women, then I would start to consider it adultery. Building relationships, that would tweak me. Mindless wanking, not so much. That's 'out of my hands' pun intended...

K

I am a christian...and as a christian I believe that it is adultery. I want my husband and I to be equally yoked and go to heaven together:^) The bible has taught me a lot of morals that I strongly believe in. I can understand where you are coming from, though.

Much love,
Julie