My husband of 18 years was caught sexting with a woman 20 ye

My husband of 18 years was caught sexting with a woman 20 years younger (the same age as our daughter). He lied at first, and then decided to tell me I did catch him red handed on Christmas (4 days after I had caught him, Merry Christmas, right?!). He swears there is nothing physical happening, but I don't believe him! He says it was really him and another guy laughing about it, that this girl was sending him texts... but he was home when he called her his sunshine, and sent her an *** pic! I also, don't believe that in the two to three weeks of sexting there was only one photo shared between the two of them. I was blindsided! I thought we had a healthy sex life, and still experiment. We do lots as a family, and its all playing in my head. What to believe and what not to believe. He says he wants to try to make this marriage work and it was one time and I should want to try to make this work. Still can't get over this whole thing! I want to leave him, but I don't want to loose my family! I want him to feel how I feel! I am so angry, and I am shaking, and crying and numb. I don't know if I can believe this is the first time this has happened. I feel as though our whole marriage is a sham! He was trying to be overly positive and all I wanted to do was punch him in the face. He later tells me it's not all his fault, as I have gained weight! I want you to know, that I have always been a thick girl, and he and I have worked out together and he is aware of my trying to loose weight and seeing no results. That being said, I am sorry!!!! How the heck is it my fault that he can't control himself!!!! I am not to blame for his indiscretions and for him to try and body shame me into it being my fault, I AM SOOOOOO ANGRY!!!! I am not in my 20's anymore, but neither is he and I have not sexted, or had an emotional affair with anyone else!!!! How do you forgive a liar and how to you forget what your spouse has done to your marriage?????

1 Heart

Hmm. How old is he? Mid-life crisis? Trying to be a kid again rather than accepting he's getting older?

You know, I HATE how we look at our bodies today. Thick. Sheez. Most of the women I have liked have been like this, and we used to call them NORMAL. There was a time when we saw the skinny girls as sickly. Think of Twiggy! And, as I recall, it's normal to gain a little after having a child and getting slower due to age (for me, a desk job).

OK, I'm ancient. I still look at women from 18 to 35 and think back on having a family and all, but then, mentally, I'm still stick at 19. I look in the mirror and wonder what happened. LOL. But, I loved my wife and never thought of cheating, leaving her, or even comparing her to other woman. OK, I have lately. She's been gone for a decade and I find I measure most women by her, and they lose. Horribly, I might add. Younger women have one edge, they're younger. They can make us guys feel young and wanted. At my age, well, I don't think any woman would be interested unless I'm paying her for sex (a crime, and then she isn't interested in me but my money). So, IF a girl shows interest, we take it to heart long before we realize she's being nice (and how we can fool ourselves).

I just LOVE how these guys are timing things. Ruining the holidays.

Hmm. I wonder how he would react if you wanted a three-some with a much younger, and more physically fit (and endowed) male? OK, it may not be you, but it may sting him a little. You can't punch him since he could charge you with domestic abuse and cost you so much.

Hugs, and don't let this eat at you. He's not worth it.

@US52357403 thanks for the supportive post! I had joked about me getting involved with some younger amn, but I am really not like that. As for a mid life crisis, I think that is a cop out! We are all aging, and we have to deal with it!

All of the feelings that you are having are totally normal and understandable. I'm sorry that you are going through this, but we are here to help you get through this. Welcome to the group.


No, definitely not your fault! He should be ashamed of himself for trying to blame you. As if it wasn't enough damage to your self esteem that he was sexting. To then say such a thing!!!!

1 Heart

Pushing off blame based on your weight is pretty rough. Though many things lead up to a place you can make a decision like this, he still made the decision. There is always a better way.

I made a horrible decision and recently was caught so I can relate to his mentality but I made sure to invest the time to read about how to deal with the situation Im in. If he truly wants it to work with you he needs to be brutally honest and open up to you. He won't be able to rebuild trust with you if not.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully he can realize the pain he has put you in and not focus on his own.

To be fair, it was a factor... but my weight is an issue and I believe has been for a very long time. Again, he and I used to workout together, and now, I rather workout away from him (this happened over a year ago). I found him to be critical, and would have preferred not to hear it.

That is low. your husband blaming you weight is just a way for him to shift the blame. Don't let him get to you. You are beautiful the way you are!

You know, I expected him to eventually say something about it... At first he tried to assure me he was happy and it had nothing to do with me... Spare me, I knew he would eventually say something about it. It has come up before. He has made comments about other guys we know who had left their spouses and weight was a major factor... he always had a way of wording his response to basically agree and understand their leaving. I always said something about how despicable that is.
Don't say the vows if you know your love is conditional.

1 Heart

@Imafool All that said; If weight is such an issue for him, he should have gotten a divorce.

All you are feeling is normal and he is horrible for blaming your weight. He could have done a lot of other things if he was unhappy. Do not let him blame you he is just trying to justify his actions so he can make himself feel better. And I would not believe for a second that it was only pictures. And if it was only pictures that it is because they hadn't gotten to the sex yet. If you and H really wants to work things out then get to MC. I hope he does the work to keep you.

1 Heart

Thanks. I hope he is telling me the truth, and he does really want our marriage to work. But I want to know what he is not telling me. I believe if he hadn't been caught he would have gone further. i feel so stupid!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. All of it. The comment about the weight really upsets me for you. What happens if you lose weight and then gain some back? Will this happen again? Sounds like his own appearance bothers him (I.e. Sexting someone younger and complaining about your appearance) Good luck with whatever you decide to do! Just remember you’re beautiful at any and every shape!

Yes don't feel stupid! I would see the W (wh*re) at the gym where my H worked. Her and her dumb a** mom would give me snotty looks. Now I know why! Karmas a B and all the ones involved will get theirs!

Your post got me really angry. Your weight is his defense for lying, cheating, hurting his life partner and blowing up things between you! Seriously???? Your H sounds really immature and defensive. He has a lot of work to do on himself. First question that comes to mind is why is he so vested in your weight. What is he thinking that says about him. It is sexist, judgmental and downright rude.

3 Hearts

One more point - you don't just forgive a liar. He needs to earn it back. He needs to make amends, understand why he did this, help you in your pain (not just tell you to get over it its a one-time thing). He has a lot of heavy lifting to do. Give him the article "Understanding your Faithful Spouse" as a start. Or read the book with him "After the Affair." He needs to come into reality.

1 Heart