He came out of the closet as a crossdresser 2 days ago in an email to me of all things.
Then yesterday he came out and admitted that he was gay. How am I supposed to process this? We have 3 kids and 2 are still at home.
He wants me to stay with him and not tell anyone because it may make HIM look bad.
I am so stressed out that I dont eat and I dont sleep and I cannot focus on anything. He expects me to just go forward like nothing is wrong!!
How am I supposed to live a lie!!
wslibra66 i am so sorry for this. First off i think you need time to decide what you think is best for you and your family. Also it is unfair for your husband to ask that you stay in this marriage so he doesn't look bad. That is unfair to your happiness. You can't be asked to live a lie and shouldn't have to. Take the time to talk this out with him and hopefully you can find a peaceful resolution. But don't feel bad at all if you can't stay with him, it is your life too and unfair to put such a bad burden on you and the happiness you deserve in a relationship. Maybe even seek counseling so your husband can understand your point of view on the situation.
I hope that whatever you decide to do you can move forward happily and peacefully. Talk to him about how this makes you feel and how you are supposed to go on like this.
Let me know how you are doing.
I dont believe that there is a peaceful solution to this. I have sought councelling for myself to try and cope, but he absolutely will not go. I have my first appointment tomorrow afternoon and I am going to go.
He keeps asking me what is wrong…what is bothering you…why are you sleeping on the couch and when I tell him that i am having trouble coping with things, he told me that everyone was always treating me bad and that I was so full of crap. I told him that he just had to stop pushing and let me do this for myself. He says “you know they are not going to have a majic answer for you. All they are going to do is give you medicine for the stress.” I told him better a pill than I end up putting a noose around my neck…(sigh) Dont know how this will all turn out, but I will let you know.
He sounds like he really needed to confess. So he is feeling better now, except he has made you feel terrible.
You are in too much shock to process any of this. I wouldn't even suggest that you do anything or make any sort of decisions right now. He is right for telling you not to come out with it in public, but not for the right reason because he is only trying to protect himself; you should do it to keep any pressure off you, for the moment.
Take care.
Believe me…going public with this is not my first response either. I have sought councelling for myself and I intend to follow through with it. I told him about it and he kinda went off the wall. He told me that they were not going to have a magic answer for me and that they were only going to give me medicine. I told him…better a little pill than putting a noose around my neck. That shut him up for about 30 seconds.
Should have never told him about the councelling.
I dont know how this all will end…or maybe I do…I will keep you posted.
I don't like the fact that he is threatening you that way, telling you that people on the outside could not help you. He is so afraid of what this will do to him...I don't trust him.
If you are afraid of him, don't tell him anything else until you get enough support behind you to help you manage this situation. I do not like what this guy is saying. Especially, since I can tell that he is a bully. (Even if he does not hurt you physically, he will try to beat you down psychically and emotionally).
Please be safe, first. I would not advise you to say anything to him anymore...you will only give him ammunition. (Don't worry about how he has betrayed you, because I am more concerned about what the heck he is trying to pull now).
And you are right. You DO NEED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY. Someone you can trust. I am so glad that you are not underestimating that option because it really is not optional.
Remember that no matter what we confront in our daily lives, God is always in our cheering squad and will help those who help themselves. He sees our pain and suffering.
If I say anything worth saying right now, it is this: I have endured a lot in my own lifetime and the one thing that I believe is that we must always remember our tragedies do not define us. We define ourselves by making better choices, helping ourselves and being proactive for ourselves.
If your husband had a kinder demeanor, I don't think that I would be so bothered by your situation. He told you about the lie that he has lived for so many years, but now he is keeping you on your toes by emotionally abusing you.
He may need help, but not from you. He is obviously sick, but he does not want to help himself. He wants you to be codependent and it appears to me that he will do anything he can to keep you in line...
So, please do not feel sorry for him or feel it is your wifely duty to stand by your man. He will not return your kindness.
I am sorry to tell you these things, but when someone is abusive...you cannot give and expect to receive gratitude. They will only eat you up whole and swallow you alive.
Please take care.
First I want to thank you for your kind words. I understand what you are saying and I have told him that he can either like it, lump it or get the heck out. I told him that I thought that I was being very supportive of him in what he was doing and that it was now time to take my life back. You are right…he can be a bully, but guess what. Mama aint taking any crap any more. I think that I have earned the right to stand up and be counted now. My children are old enough that they will support me no matter what decision I make. I am going to go to therapy and if he does not want to join me…then he can just stay at home. I have lived with this for a very long time because I always suspected that there was someting going on but never could put my finger on it. I dont know what my final decision will be but it will be just that…my decision and it will be what is best for me. I have been the good wife and mother and friend and confidant and lover all to discover that it was all a lie. Now I am mad as hell. After our phone discussion this morning…I think that he knows he better not push me anymore or I WILL pack up and walk out and I wont try to work anything out with him now or ever. I am not afraid anymore…It really helps to have someone like you to talk to and vent everything. I really appreciate it.
Yes, thank you. I am going through a rough patch, too, so it helps to connect with other people. You are helping me in my time, as well.
You have been strong for every one else. But now, you have to have the courage to live for yourself. That is the strangest thing how we cannot be our own best friends, but we can do anything for those we love.
Let's keep in touch.
I would love to do that...I have never really had girlfriends or friends for that matter...I was always so worried that I would do or say the wrong thing and he would not allow me out without him anyway without it turning into a big hoop-de-doo..so I just stopped going. Now I feel like I have been freed from that chain that was around my neck for years....you know...the more I talk about this and think about it...I actually feel something different now.....
Relief...
wslibra66 - you seem so strong, you should be proud of yourself. I am glad that you taking control of the situation for yourself and taking the time to figure out what is right. Do your children know what is happening? It helps to have support everywhere. i agree with Lil_Dipper that you shouldn’t let him bully you. I’m not sure if he is abusive, but keep staying strong and doing what you are doing. Let us know how things are going.
as someone who is gay i think he should have never goten into a relationship with you if he knew he was gay . he wasright to tell you but he should have not threatened you.