My husband says he loves me and his kids and he wants our marriage back, keep our family together but he doesn't feel like he is 100% committed because part of him wants what I mention above but part of him wants to be free ( free of having me calling why he is late, why he is taking so long, where is he going, when will he be home, checking his phone, his emails, etc) but he doesn't want me to leave. I love him too and I'm working to build our relationship, but I also told that I won't be able to do it myself, that no matter what I do if he is not committed it won't work. I told if he wants his freedom its fine to me but I will have to leave because there is no way he will have his freedom and me at home, I won't stop checking on him, specially when he had an affair last year. He said he is afraid that if he decides to take his freedom he will realize that its not what he wants and I won't take him back. He is afraid that it will be too late for him and lose his family. I told well maybe while he has his freedom I will realize that nothing I can do for him and maybe I will realize that I'm better without him and I won't take him back. So the curiosity of being free that's what keep holding him back, what doesn't let him be 100% in our relationship. He claims that it has nothing to do with anothergirl its about him, because our relationship happened so fast, we had kids so he kind of misses that part of being single. Can you guys help me understand him?
Men need a Life partner. When we mother them .. they seem to drift away in some respects. Marriage is very hard work. After 30 years ... its still hard work. everyday. Wishing you all the best.
Everyone needs to strike a balance between roles of partner/parent/self. For your own sake, spending all day checking on him is a waste of time. By setting him "free", you may find he'll actually grow closer than ever before. Sometimes when we get to the other field, we look back and realize the grass was always greener at home to begin with. Good luck.
@Better1109 and the thing is that now he changed passwords in his emails and phone so yeah I became suspicious even more after the affair.
But the reason I'm acting this way is because of the affair, they are still talking but I guess if I will leave he will find his own way.
So do you think, thats what its back in his mind? He wants to be with me but be with someone else at the same time? He even asked me for time to figure out what he wants.
I love my husband and we want our marriage but just the fact that he doesn't know what he wants drives me crazy.
You don't get to be married and be "free" even though really married life shouldn't mean you are trapped.
Can I just say how we are going through the same exact situation. I'm so sorry that he is not understanding what you want of him and that he thinks that he can have you and freedom at the same time. I really don't know what is up with some man they just don't think about there spouse and children . All they think about being single men and being able to talk to whom ever they please.
@Nena_Linda are you still with him?
Right? I thought women were complicated! You know you are not alone. We are in the same pain. He said the reason he likes her friendship because she can joke around and have fun and with me everything has to be so serious, he feels he can not be himself. But at the same time he says he doesn't know if he should fight for me. All he knows is that he wants his family, he loves me, he wants to have freedom and he wants to keep her as a friend.
I am the one that cheated in my relationship and regretted it so much. So coming from the offenders point of view I was willing to let my husband check in on me anytime he wanted he could look at my email phone etc. If I was going to be late I contacted him. So my question is, is your husband truly sorry and does he regret what he did? If so you checking on him should be the least of his worries. He needs to worry about getting forgiveness from you and giving you whatever you need to make you feel secure.
@Dontwantdivorce the reason he hides everything is because I always used to save any evidence like conversations pictures between them ( I like to have evidence before I confront him, just to see if he was lying) so he thinks I will use that information against him later. Since the girl was 17 when they had the affair. So yeah I guess I’m paying the price for that in that regard.
OMG... this is exactly what my husband told me. I am shocked to see how common that is. I am not sure what to tell you because I felt it was all wrong. Its like he asked permission to cheat and I/you are oblidge to say okay.
Now its been 6 months and everything is complicated. I would have reacted the same way regardless.
But like you, I love my husband and I am afraid that me being tough and not understanding was wrong. But I cannot tolerate what he was doing as well. Texting and calling a coworker. It was all wrong because it has changed the very good replationship we had. He also had so much complaints about me checking and all but I know that is just a normal reaction of a woman.
I know bottom line is that what they are doing what is wrong. But it is up to us in the end how much we can understand and how much is too much and wrong. Its been 6 months and until now I still am clueless what I am going to do. Well at least I decided for myself to focus on myself and the kids. If he decides to leave then I can go from there or if i get tired then that is it also,
Good luck, i know how you feel u are not alone.
@KatrinaMarielle I went to talk to the pastor of my church and told me, if he is a good father, he doesn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs, go the night clubs or do drugs then I have a good man that made a mistake. If he wants to talk to her, let him do it, but make sure you look very much, make sure he knows that and he will realize what he has at home at he will stop talking to her eventually. Be a good wife, he will realize that being with us is better that her. But really sometimes I feel unappreciated, like I’m doing everything and nothing on his end. I feel like I am the one that I have to fix his mistake.
It is unbelievable that I am exactly just like you. I know I am not entirely right. I wish I can turn back the time and what is said in here that we should have not wasted out time checking and doing stupid things is actually right. But we learn from our mistakes. I tell myself now that those are the things I need to work on. I know it will be a long process for me to change and become a better person on that part but I know that that is the right thing to do. Regardless of what happens to this marriage, we both know that there is truth that we are wrong on that part.
I will pray for both of us and all of us who are suffering here.
It still just not justify their mistakes but we learn also what is our mistake. I wish we are stronger so we can learn and grow faster from all these mishaps.
I am glad to hear I am not alone now that i hear your story and I know that what is happening to me is not uncommon.
It gives me a sense of strength to learn all these in here. I wish I had started this sooner than later.
@KatrinaMarielle if you need to talk I’m here for you. Sometimes you just need to talk to somebody that’s is going through the same situation. You are not alone. We are going to marriage counseling which is a step to see if we can rebuild our trust are marriage. I’m 100% in even though I got betrayed, he is not but he is trying. And yes I have to work on me too. I get so mad so easy, my moods change a lot, I can lovely if I want but I can go crazy without wanting.
Certified male brain here (and arguably not as shallow as other men). If I become friends with a woman, I HAVE to respect my wife (don't have one right now, but you get the point). If there is the slightest negative reaction with her, I address it. I don't need a 17 year old baby. What am I going to do with her? Have intellectual discussions? Seriously, marriage is a sacred bond for a reason. How would your husband feel if you had a male friend that you flirt with and joke with all the time? He will punch him in the face after the first text, right? Well, if he really loves you that is. Now, some interaction is okay, but disrespecting one's wife and risking a marriage for a new acquaintance? We're all different in what we tolerate and each one of us is a package deal. If you are a swinger and it makes you happy, sure. If you don't want your husband to even talk to a woman, sure. You are who you are and he can make a choice and live by the consequences of that choice. Ladies, your husbands knew who you are, what you accept and what you don't. Until they actively try to fix their mistake and make amends, you owe them nothing.
@Anas76 You are very right. And I wish relationships are perfect and all. But I guess there is no perfect regardless of who we are with. All I know is there is an end to everything...it can either be good or the ones we fear about. As for now, I am done trying to deal with his ****9sorry for the french) and I am so ready to focus on me and the kids. I will know in time what is the best thing to do for ME. But since he said he wants out... then I cannot stop him. Once he leave then I know he is gone. But for now I know I don't have time to pack his backs and help him move out. One, I am falling apart, i need to focus on me, 2 i am stillnot ready to let him go, 3 we are both not financially capable to be apart... one day at a time. Easier said than done, but i am just happy I feel better today. Yesterday was one of the toughest day I had for the last 6 months that our relationship/marraige had gone through this. I am still very happy to hear what everyone has to say...whether it is gonna hurt my feelings or not. All i want is the truth and I just want to survive.
I wish I can make an easy decision , leave is easy, stay is harder, work on the mistake is the hardest way to handle this situation. But I guess one step at the time. If my effort was not good enough then I will leave with no regrets and wonder what happened.