I was born in to a family with mental illness. My mother; who has DID (dissociative identity disorder) previously known as multiple personality. She was also an alcoholic, she owned a bar and was her best customer.
When I was three, my step father began sexually assaulting me, which went on for 8 years. I began drinking at age 10 to self medicate, make friends and just because it was so easy. By age 12 I was a full blown alcoholic. I was also hospitalized at 12 because I attempted suicide for the first time. It was then that I disclosed about the rape but nothing was done because they thought I was “crazy”. I was institutionalized for 30 days and then put in a girls home for another 60 days.
It was at this time I was diagnosed with manic depression, (now known as bi-polar), PTSD, suicidal depressive states and bulemia.
I was in and out of hospitals and therapy. I was officially given the label of SMI (severly mentally ill). I got on disability. I studied mental illness every chance I could. I had become a drug addict and was of course still drinking. I quit drugs in 1993 and quit drinking about 5 years ago.
I eventually went to school for my AAS in social services. Ten years ago I began working as a Recovery Support Specialist in the behavioral health field. I worked at the agency I received services at and they were very supportive in every way. I was among the first 15 graduates in the RSS field in Arizona.
About 5 years ago I realized that bi-polar was not my problem but instead it is borderline personality disorder. Four years ago I moved back to my home town in Arizona. I continued to work in behavioral health. I began feeling like I had overcome my mental illness and decided a couple years ago to stop taking meds and was using alternatives such as vitamins and herbs. And of course I did other self help things on my own such as EFT, DBT and meditation. I stopped going to therapy about a year ago. I also lost my disability because they said I was able to work.
In mid 2010 I began working at a different agency. I started out as a RSS there. I was very over worked and had a huge case load for an RSS–about 60 clients, typically the average is 25-30. I was working about 11 hours a day being paid for 8. I have always been a work a holic and taken my job very seriously going above and beyond in every sense of the word. But I began noticing that my own mental well being was at risk and my symptoms were coming back full force.
One of the case managers there had to leave due to heart problems and I decided to take that position. I thought it appeared pretty “easy”, as the previous CM rarely seemed to have anything to do. I hoped this would help me get myself back on track. I started that job in November 2010. I soon found out the reason he seemed to have nothing to do was because he wasn’t doing his job. I ended up with 185 clients and began working an average of 14 hours a day 6 days a week (again at a 40 hr a week pay).
I began hating the job. Having visions of driving into a brick wall to get out of going to work, prefering to be dead then go there. I was still using my recovery tools but it wasn’t helping. I was afraid I’d have to get back on meds and back in therapy. I had no time to take care of any of this though and missing work for any reason was really frowned on.
I was doing very impulsive things. I cut my hair too short, which I’m still very angry at myself about. I bought wine which I hate but figured it was better than going back to drinking rum, whiskey or tequila as I had in the past. I got a couple really ****** tattoo’s, which in my mind was better than going back to my cutting as I had done in the past but been free from for about a year. And some other stupid things. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore in every sense. I was spiraling.
I hate the thought of “being sick” again! I talked to my supervisor numerous times about the work load, my stress level etc. to no avail. I began getting physically sick; probably because I wasn’t taking time to eat or sleep and was so stressed out. This of course was not helping my mental health and I could tell that I was getting really sick again. I had no support in any way. This also effected how I was able to help my clients and it wasn’t fair of me to be resenting them.
Long story short, two weeks ago I just couldn’t take anymore and walked out–quit. It was very scary, but it also felt like I had just been released from prison. I have my income tax refund to live off of for awhile. But I’m also second guessing myself. I’m seeing how my illness has reared it’s ugly head full force back in my life in so many ways. I’m very angry about it. And I’m very depressed.
I reapplied for disability which will be reinstated I hope. I got re-enrolled for therapy and imagine I will have to get back on meds for a time. I feel like a failure and the fact that a job I’m very good at got to me the way it did makes me mad at myself too and makes me doubt everything I thought I knew. It’s like being diagnosed with a terminal illness then being told your illness free only to have it come back 10 times worse. Ugh.