My mind is making me mad(der)

Mental Health Anxiety & Panic Disorders
1

Hey, i need to get this fustration out and have never spoken of some things i will mention and its good to get it all out. Even my best mate i cant bring myself to say this to. As you can probely tell, im new but im REALLY fustrated with something called HOCD. Its like my brain tells me i might be gay but as soon as i think this im like not a chance i am, i just cant accept this. I dont want to be gay. I have never felt attracted to women nor do i want to. Even since i was small i have been attrached to men. I have had posters of people i fancy all over my wall, like i even had a whole wall dedicated to David Beckham! I was obsessed with my mates brother when i was growing up.

When im on my own i can discard the thoughts. I try not to think about it but it kills me when im with my friends for the reasons i will now state. I have social anxiety and a fear of blushing also. The fear of blushing basically creates my SA. Whats one of the hardest parts for me is the fact that i can blush easily when im anxious. I get anxious when my mates talk about the subjects of gender, sexuality and relationships...which can cause me to blush sometimes because those topics are triggers for more panic.

I fear now that even my mates think im gay becoz they can see my anxiety from the blushing and it makes me avoid my friends. I even have suspicions that they bring up these topics to see if i blush. I could be paro but then again im not sure....uggggh. Even when an attractive woman comes on the tv and when im with people ill get more anxious due to the fear of blushing

My mind is warped from this and i dont know what to do about this problem. The HOCD thoughts are strenghtned due to the fact that when i was younger i was a bit of a tomboy and liked sports. If this has anything to do with it i really dunno. Its proberly my thoughts making me think of all these things that can fit the annoying puzzle.

Okay, i will say somethings that i think may have caused this. Im 21, havnt been in a relationship due to anxiety, i was sexually abused around 4 years ago and im alcohol dependant for sexual activity (and other things like socializing to an extent). Im ashamed to say this but here it goes, one time when i was sober i was with someone, we were about to have sex and i couldnt do it. I told him i couldnt do it, i needed more drink and this i dunno if it contributed.

How can i tell if im gay or not...its killing me. There are times when i think im in denial but again, as soon as i think this im like i know deep down im not gay and not in denial. But what if i am...but im not...but what if i am...but i know im not...see this is how my mind works...the doubt will never go...even tho i know what im into.

Someone please help me, im losing the plot from this and i dont know what to do. Please, if someone has insight plz reply or ask me ANY questions to help me see thru the fog. I dont know what else to say, so ask me, advise me...basically help me...please.

Ugggh...i dunno...

2

Hi OneDay, welcome to Support Groups! Thank you so much for being here and for sharing with us. Although, I don't have direct experience with HOCD, I am here to help you in any way that I can. Would you mind my asking if you currently see a therapist? If so, have you received any insight as to how to work through these feelings?

I believe that this site can be helpful for you;
http://www.brainphysics.com/hocd.php

Please know that I am here for you.

3

Hi OneDay, thank you for your post. I'm a male and I too suffered from HOCD. I swear I had a nervous break-down when the HOCD set in. It was the single worse thing in my life when it happened. Here are two things that I learned and helped me in dealing with it:

1 Single best thing for me was to talk about it openly....this was the toughest thing for me at first, but I worked-up the courage and started talking about it with a psychologist then openly within a men's group.

2 The less I resisted the phobia the more the phobia disappeared. The more I resisted the phobia the more powerful the phobia got. In other words, If my fear was being aroused by another man, then I purposely tried to be aroused by men. If my fear was to make eye contact and blush with a man, then I purposely made eye contact and tried to like them.

The more I've done these two things, the more the ocd has disappeared from my life. Good luck to you!

4

Im in addiction counselling at the moment. My psychairtrist is refering me to another theripst. Ive been in therapy 4times previous and nothing has helped my anxiety. I always kept my HOCD a secret until i as with my addiction counsellor (off drugs 41 days). I was never able to say it directly to anyone (and another intrusive thought which is quite strong at the moment coz im on a downer) so i typed and printed it off. I havnt worked thru it, nor do i think i will with this counsellor.

I dont have a clue where to begin with these thoughts and feelings. But i am hoping that soon i will work on them. Im not going to hide the fact i have HOCD now. It will never ease that way so i will open up about it, and the other intrusive thought (which i hate to admit and need help seriously for (now this minute)) and the sexual abuse.

Thanks for the link, it has made me ease a bit knowing that i know im straight...it has helped reassure me that i am.

I dont know im not bothered about the HOCD at this minute...i just really need to talk to someone coz my brain is going 100miles per hour but i dont have anyone to talk to, nor would i talk to my few mates about my problems, sepecially what i want to talk about now...

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I dont know how OCD is even treated

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Wow!!! I had the same exact 2 probs!!! I had hocd REALLY bad for like 3 months but then it went back to blushing it is so incredibly annoying and I can go anywhere without caking on Makeup to cover the redness.