My Mother has BPD

Mental Health Personality Disorders
1

My mom has BPD and she is in severe denial. She was abused as a child, grew up poor and was consequently teased all through grade school. When she had me, she was 25 and my dad was 22 and on leave from Germany where he was stationed in the ARMY. Apparently they got along just fine up until my dad got out of the ARMY and came back home. That's when they got divorced and how my life began. I have never known my parents to love one another. I always say that I am living proof that they did at one time, but the only other proof I have of their love are pictures from when they were in college, which is where they met, and in the subsequent months after I was born. My dad got remarried, and although my mom dated, she never got married again. I don't know if this is the case with all BPDs, but I feel like my mom only has room in her heart to love one person at a time. When I was born, and my dad was gone, I filled the void my dad left behind. And because I was still around when my dad came back, my mom no longer loved him because she loved me. Of course, my dad didn't understand, and still doesn't to this day. I remember fights all three of them would get into, both physical and verbal, right before my eyes. MInd you, I was between the ages of four and probably 12 or 13 when the worst of the arguing occurred.

My mother loved me, a lot. I remember all the way through school, even in high school, she would pack my lunch for me. But when she did, she would pack everything separately. My sandwich would be deconstructed in several baggies: tomato in one bag, lettuce, bread, cheese and meat in another and finally my mayo or mustard in another. She did this because she didn't want me to eat a soggy sandwich at lunch. She always packed me my favorite pickles and chips. I didn't always have a nutritious lunch, but it was always made with love. My step mom made me pack my own lunch once I got to third grade. She NEVER took me or step brother to school (my story about him belongs on the pedophile/pervert page) because she said she and my dad didn't pay taxes to have the school buses simply "drive by our house."

Anyway, this is about my mom and not my stepmom. She's a whole different story. I want my mom to get help because I love her and she has no one else to look after her except her 25 year old boyfriend. I am 20, by the way, so that's kind of weird for me. I don't know how to get her to commit to therapy. She is convinced that it's not going to help. She doesn't understand how her being abused as a kid effects the person she is today, and subsequently effects the way she forms relationships, including ours. I need to make her see that her childhood experiences shape the person she is now and that by working through her childhood abuse, instead of ignoring it, will help fix our relationship issues. I have also committed to therapy because I have issues to deal with from a falling out my mom and I had a few summers ago, plus all the **** that happened when I was a kid and the recent fall out I had with my dad (yeah, my family is a real model of perfection if you can't tell).

I need some pointers on giving my mom hope and help on how to deal with a BPD parent. She called me once right before attempting "suicide" (I wasn't there and no one witnessed it so I'm going on her word) and I really would like to avoid this situation if I can help it. Thanks for reading.

2

hi kay hun,
wow i'm real sorry honey that you've been thru so much with the family. the smart thing you are doing is getting therapy for yourself and your issues and dealings with family members. my mom passed away last year with all her childhood and adult issues "not dealt" with. it's heartbreaking to watch a parent in denial, and growing more angry, bitter and resentful. hanging onto old wounds and of course it is passed on to us children. i tried in vain to help that woman till the day before she passed. would'nt budge. maybe someelse has some pointers. remember honey, you can't make anyone else face their issues. with you working on yours, you will be breaking the cycle that was passed onto you. it can stop with you.

3

The problem with any type of Mental Illness is that the responsibility of said illness does lie with the person who is suffering. I know that the above you've spoken about is something similar that I experienced with my mum.

My Mother has depression a long with a hoarding problem. She gets emotionally attached to items, which prevents her from being able to throw them out.

Now you can imagine - I spent years complaining at her about this issue. I hated how the house was, that it was never tidy...that it wasn't like everyone elses...how she was helping other people yet, not considering me.

This went on for a long period of time. And was providing a lot of tension at home, and preventing the situation from actually being resolved.

That being said, the situation was finally resolved, but only when I backed off...I made my point, I laid down the facts and spoke of how it would benefit her - and then once I'd left it, things started to "happen" around the home. My Mother's opinion changed - she began to see and comprehend where my heart had been originally (even if, the words hadn't come out as well as I had hoped.)

I guess through all of that, what I'm trying to say is, that speak to your Mother - be honest and open with her and tell her your concerns - support her in the idea of going, but don't push it. She needs to be able to see the problems herself, otherwise she will never bend - or act upon your advice. She has want to do it, and if she sees or feels that nothing is wrong with her life - then she won't feel the need to invest any time in "getting help".

I'm not putting down your idea at all. It shows how caring you are as a daughter to see the benefits that you've had through counselling...and it's only natural to want that for the ones you love.

KayC90 - do you believe in a higher power?

:)

4

Thank you both for your sage advice and helpful insights. MarthaMeOhMy, I was wondering how you suggest getting her to "see" the problem is her?? I had a conversation with her that fateful summer and tried to make her see that it wan't just me that was the problem, it was her too. The strange thing is, she'll admit that she has issues, but then says I'm the one who needs to go to therapy to get help. She thinks she's fine and that it's ME who needs to be "fixed" in order for our issues to go away. It's a vicious cycle: she tells me she hates who I am and that all the issues between me and her are all my fault because of the problems I have with my dad and stepmom. She fails to see all the damage she's caused me. I speak with my Uncle (my dad's brother) and he's an immense help to me. He keeps me balanced and listens to me, both he and my Aunt (his now ex-wife but they are still close and get along. It's pretty awesome). Anyway, he tells me that because I was so young my actions were made out of survival. My mom doesn't see it that way. She thinks that I constantly "chose" my dad over her, when in actuality I was choosing based on the outcome of who would be the least mean to me when they were angry. My mom never really punished me, she just had fits of intense anger. My dad and stepmom not only lied to me, but they manipulated me and ALWAYS made me feel guilty for everything. I forget why I brought that up, but my point was she blames me for her actions and I am beginning to think she's right. I know I am somewhat at fault, I think even though I was between the ages of 4 and 17 making these decisions, but she refuses to see her fault in any of this. It's always what someone else did that forced her to act a certain way. She is closing in on 46 and I fear that she's never going to see it any other way. I've lived without a mother for almost 2 years, and now that we are talking again I can see the old patterns reemerging and I'm afraid. I don't know what to do, what to say and as much as she's hurt me with her words and actions (she abandon me for Washington state and got a boyfriend 4 years older than me), I'm scared to lose her...again. I know deep down she's not good for me mentally, but she's still my mom and I am at a loss as to what to do. Is there anything I can do in your opinion? Or if anyone else reading this has any suggestions, PLEASE share. I need all the help I can get, haha.

5

Kay :)

I'm glad my advice could be of some help! I'm the same age as you too, so trust me, I can completely and totally understand. You want to save the world one handed in terms of your Mother.

Do you get along with your Mother's bf? Does he not see the same issues as you? How long have they been together?

I'm presuming this has come up in your therapy sessions - have they provided any advice to you? Or given you further insight as to what the best...step forward would be?

Sometimes directly "attacking" someone causes them to go on the offence.
Like everytime you say to her "Look what YOU'VE done to me" (an example ;) )
It's a direct attack at her as a person (and not necessarily to the illness that is causing this issue).

Perhaps address or place "blame" on the action i.e.

"Mum, you see when your voice gets louder, I often feel that you're very angry with me. And when I have this feeling of anxiety, it makes me further feel that you dislike me."

Do you understand? Talking about the way you both feel, may be the way to come to some sort of understanding or even to make headway.

Is she on medication?

What advice have your Aunt and Uncle given?

I'll always be here to listen!