Hi, My name is YaYa and I am new to this group....I just joined the site today, at the recommendation of my therapist.
I am 37 years old and have been told by my psychiatrist and therapist that I co-dependent.
I have struggled emotionally all my life, and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder (among other things) about 6 years ago.
I am trying to grasp what exactly being co-dependent IS.....Yes, I try to help everyone I can...My son, my cousin who lives with me, my husband, my Dad who I send medication to every month and my 77 year old Grandma.
I have trouble saying "no" to anyone who asks me to do anything for them, no matter what the favor or what I have going on in my life at the time. And trust me, my life has been extremely hectic these past 10 months. (My son had a rope swing accident last summer and has had 5 surgeries since)
People know what I have been through with my son, yet they still call and ask me for favors or money or whatever they need......and I always say yes, even when I feel like saying no....
Right now all I can do is cry.....I cry all the time, at the drop of a hat and my body is screaming in pain. I have chronic muscle spasms and headaches and I honestly do not know how I can go on like this anymore....
BUT....my parents, both of which I have had tumultuous relationships with in the past, keep telling me how proud they are of me for "stepping up to the plate" and helping people out...mostly other family members who live in my state. Neither of my parents live in my state.
So, there you have it.....My very first post here. I hope it finds you all well, and I look forward to getting to know you all!
Welcome to SupportGroups.com,Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. There are various recovery paths for individuals who struggle with codependency. For example, some may choose behavioral psychotherapy, sometimes accompanied by chemical therapy for accompanying depression. There also exist support groups for codependency, such as Celebrate Recovery a Christian, Bible-based group, Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Al-Anon/Alateen, Nar-Anon, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), which are based on the twelve-step program model of Alcoholics Anonymous. Although the term codependency originated outside of twelve-step groups, it is now a common concept in many of them.
Some characteristics of co-dependent:
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you and receiving approval from you.
2. Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
3. My attention is focused on pleasing you, protecting you, manipulating you to "do it my way".
4. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.
5. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
6. Because I feel you are a reflection of me, your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires.
7. Your behavior is dictated by my desires.
8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want. I ask you what you want. If I am not aware of some thing, I assume.
9. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
10. My fear of your anger and rejection determine what I say or do. In our relationship, I use giving as a way of feeling safe.
Try & start w/small things if others are capable of handling it for themselves, do this over & over till if becomes natural then practise something else to take the load of yourself friend.
Hi Yaya, as April said, WELCOME to support groups! The people here are amazing and so wonderful. There are alot of really awesome people here who have helped me through some very tough days.
I'm sorry for what you've been going through, but glad you are here!! I have to ask, Did your doctor recommend this site directly or to an online support group in general?
Keep posting and you will see that there is a lot of love and patience here and some of the best advice I've ever been given!!
Thank you, April and Suzee, for your responses. = ) It's super nice to meet you!
I have been seeing a therapist that I like for a little over a year now, so I have been doing some work on myself, but am in a low spot right now. She suggested today that I find an online support group since I haven't taken her advice and gone to one in my community. This is easier for me in a lot of ways.
I've always thought that I was just compassionate....I didn't know it was a flaw....but I guess if it is causing me pain, physically and mentally, then it is a problem.
I always feel guilty, though, if someone asks me to do something and I don't, especially if it's my nearly 18 year old son, who IS capable of doing for himself at this point...
I don't know...I am confused, but I suppose that is why I am here, LOL!
YaYa
I just came back from visiting my wife (of 25 years) who is in treatment for alcoholism. We had a group session on Codependency today. I found that almost every symptom that was described fit my personality. The group leader suggested that I find a group so I could start working on my codependency. I am starting with this web site.
We have 2 adult kids 22 and 20 both living at home. Long story why they are still at home but we have a great leaving situation everyone is very respectful.
I can relate to your most of what you are saying. I have spent my husband/father life attempting to smooth the water. I have heard about codependency for several years, I understand it a little but I have not found any real good “treatment”. I attended Al-anon for a couple of years and that helped some but I still really struggle with setting boundaries. I find myself to willing to accept blame when I have done nothing wrong just to stop or prevent an argument.
When someone asks for my help I am too willing to drop what is important to me just to appease that person. My wife is not abusive but she, as most alcoholics, is very good at manipulating situation to keep the blame on someone else, usually me, and off herself. She is a good person and would not intentionally want to hurt someone else.
I am writing this in hopes that someone can provide some suggestion on how they have dealt or maybe even overcome their codependency behavior. I am feeling overwhelmed and confused.
I am sorry to hear about what you are dealing with concerning your wife. I want you to know that I completely and totally understand what you are going through,
My mother is an alcoholic, one year sober. This past year is the only year of my life that I can say i remember her sober. I am 37 years old. I grew up with a drunk for a mom and ended up marrying an alcoholic as well, but divorced him years ago. I am certain that this, among other things must have something to do with my codependency.
I am just at the beginning of trying to figure this out....How to stop this behavior....Stop trying to fix things for other people, stop biting off more than I can chew, stop trying to be Superwoman....
I'm guessing that it's baby steps....Last night my Grandma called me after 8 p.m. to ask me to do something for her this morning and I found it within myself to tell her no. It KILLED me to tell her no, but I did it. I thought about it all day long today...and I felt SO guilty.....I am still thinking about how I can go back and fix it.....
I am new here, too, Bobert...I hope we can find the peace and support we are looking for!
Yaya,
Thank you. We all deserver peace in out lives. You mentioned that you divorced you husband and I hear people say all the time that they are divorced. I guess what finally brought me, I am so afraid of that word. I think that leaving would be better for both of us so we could work on our problems separately without interference from our past baggage. But I guess I am afraid of the unknown, what will happen to her if I leave, what will happen to the kids, will it really be better to be separated or is this all just crazy thoughts in my head. I don't what to run away from my problems but I am so very tired of dealing with them.
Every divorced person I know tells me how horrible it is but almost everyone said it is better in the end. I am just paralyzed with though and so I go on day after day ... year after year in limbo. I really hate this.
Bobert,
I divorced my alcoholic husband because he was abusive. He yelled and screamed at me and my son and then it became physical between he and I.
He threw things at me and finally laid his hands on me. Soon after that, I left.
I knew that we had hit rock bottom and that the only way I could come out of that relationship intact was to leave.....So I did.
No one but my dad knew the day I was going to leave....I tried to do it in secret, but my husband ended up coming home from work early that day. (Just my luck!) It was ugly, but my son and I made it out safely.
My son and I moved in with my Dad.....and that first night, i got 27 phone calls from my drunk husband. Threatening phone calls, with him calling me every nasty name in the book. He was so angry, and hurt, probably.....But my dad and step mom tried to shelter me from it all.
I ended up getting an order of protection from the courts, because my husband was coming to my place of work and harassing me, threatening me...In divorce court he ended up with EVERYTHING....The car, the computer....everything....I had nothing. I started all over again.
Several years after we divorced, and I had remarried (to my NOW husband, who is my soul mate) I got a call from my ex husbands family.
He was in ICU at one of our local hospital's, dying from cirrhosis. They asked me to come up and say good-bye to him, as they were "pulling the plug" the next day.
I discussed this with my now husband and called my dad to talk to him about it. How did this family expect me to go say good-bye to a man that had abused me? Called me terrible names and scared my son? A man that threw dresser drawers and full beer cans at me?
I decided that for my own peace of mind and to soothe my own soul, I would go. And I did the next day, hours before they took him off of life support.
When I went into his hospital room I was shocked. This was not the man I was married to. He was in a coma and looked so weak. He was ashy and bleeding from every orifice of his body. He had a towel tucked under his chin to catch the blood that was oozing from his nose and mouth. I instantly felt sick.....sick in my stomach and sick in my heart.
I held his hand and told him that I forgave him. I told him that I knew he had the best intentions for our marriage and that things did not turn out the way he meant for them to be. I made my peace and I left.
His family offered me things that belonged to him, but I refused. I did not want any pieces of that part of my past.
My best advice to you is to do what your heart tells you to do. Go with your gut. Do not punish yourself...Do not punish your children......And by this I mean, do not put yourself through what is not necessary.
If living with your wife is torture for you, think of what it must be like for your kids. (I know, my mom is an alcoholic...one year sober....I grew up with her drinking and it was horrible and also embarrassing)
There is help out there....There is a better and sunnier life out there. I wish you there very best and i am always here to talk to if you need me.