My narcissist husband (I asked him to take 2 online tests, h

My narcissist husband (I asked him to take 2 online tests, he was shocked to find he scored highly for NPD, plus he really fits most of the characteristics), says he is leaving me. Last week we were slow dancing and having a ball, now he's leaving this weekend because I am refusing to have to have 7 members of his family over for 5 days over christmas (both his parents are dead now). What he wants involves a huge expenditure of money and time, we've just moved to a new country and he's barely been at work for 2 months. He says he's going to take the Kids (7 and 16), because he thinks it's best they live with him. I have no history of abusing the Kids, yet he insists my 16 year old's hatred for me (which he has nurtured at every turn), is a sign that I'm abusing him. My son hates boundaries and chores like most kids, but like his father he has developed a very abusive personality where he constantly questions what I and his little sister do down to the finest detail. My daughter who's a confident and smart girl can see that my husband does not love me and wants me to run away taking her with me, she says I deserve a better life. This makes me so sad for her. Her father blows hot and cold on her and punishes her with the silent treatment or shouting when she appears to take my side or even when she is just close to me having fun. He's left before and come back so I'm expecting weeks of turmoil and uncertainty. I'm embarrassed around my neighbours because of his shouting. I feel some strength because I've been working on my self esteem using online hypnotherapy, but I'm still afraid because of my social isolation in this new country. He is currently the sole provider. I am working on starting a new business, I just hope I can hold it together long enough to get some results so if and when the court proceedings start, I won't be depending on him for money so much. He's no millionaire, so a divorce is going to mess with our kid's financial futures so badly unless I can plug the hole myself. Tonight he suddenly told me he was madly in love with someone else, when I pressed him for more info on this he eventually admitted it was not true. He just wanted to make it easy for me to accept it's over. How generous. He keeps on encouraging me to behave recklessly, saying I should run back to where I came from, but I realise that if I grab my daughter and run, he will report it as kidnapping and then take the kids for good. It is horrible having to double think everything I do and say because I'm under constant psychic attack. For a long time I've been unable to do or say anything right in his eyes. Do I love him? At this point what's love got to do with it. All I asked for was to be respected as a decision making adult in this house. I'm not allowed an inch of control over anything. With this latest turn, I definitively know know that he's mentally ill. He's my husband of 17 years, I care about him very much as well as being concerned for my kids and their future. Last time he rejected me like this he wound up having emergency surgery, probably triggered by being angry all the time. He is my college sweetheart (or he was I should say), but I know every time we make up, the intervals between the fights get shorter and shorter, and he gets meaner and meaner. 5 years ago this guy would never have come out and called me lazy, a looser and stupid, back then he was a lot more subtle about it. He never would have instigated a non professional relationship with another woman, by meeting her for drinks without me until after midnight and promising to take the time to help her find a job by personally sending CVs out for her; now when I call him out on this, I'm the crazy one for finding this unacceptable. I actually contacted this woman and politely asked her to back off, she is still contacting him despite him promising me he would block her email. I found out by accident. Since then he's told me that he has apologised to HER for MY behaviour and he intends to continue communications with her. I'm not at my wits end, I've been there and bounced back. I told him his brothers and their wives and kids could fly in and stay for 5 days this christmas if this was really a marriage make or break issue, he replied that because I wrote them I was unhappy with this plan and that he was threatening to divorce me over it (he actually forced me to write to them), they were only prepared to come and stay if I go somewhere else. I don't know if this is true, but neither of his brothers actually replied to my email, which was very apologetic and told them my reasons were not personal. He says he has everyone's support that he should divorce me. I have no idea what his family are saying and I don't want to know because if we do divorce, he's still their brother. I'm scared about him abandoning me, but strangely excited at the same time and I don't know why. Is this normal?

1 Heart

Youre strangely excited bc u might be free! Anything truly would be better. Does this country have any social services for abused women and children? Grab your poor little girl and run run run!

1 Heart

Whhooah that's loads for you to deal with in one hit! Break it down Hun into manageable steps! Eg step one legal advice to sort custody and co parenting agreement, step two financial settlement etc! Fight him through proper legal channels then he can't get into your head and manipulate you, you may find NC for few weeks good to get action plan sorted but be kind to yourself you can't sort all of those issues in one go! Break them, tick them off one by one, keep the end goal of freedom
In sight and you'll get there. Stay strong and know you are worth so much more. Ps.. There are things you can do through solicitor to protect kids like warnings about their behaviour through the solicitor. You can do it Hun and you need to he won't change and he sounds hideous!

@19yearsnowfree Thank you

Thank you for your advice. Yes they have social security here, but I'm not being physically beaten. The credit card still works. I'd rather wait it out, than brave the cold at a shelter in the winter. If he leaves, I'll just have to go NC and deal with it, because last time I humiliated myself and begged him to return. If he stays I'll push for counselling. There were no psychologists or psychiatrists where we were living before, and online therapy failed miserably because of time differences. I just wish I could fast forward this bit where he's on the attack and determined to emotionally maim me, and get to where we can have a sane conversation. I brought some of this on myself. When things are good they are really good for a short while, so I forget about his condition. I should have taken the chance to suggest therapy before he turned. This man is not a total lost cause, I think he learned this behaviour, and was not born with it. His brothers used to ridicule and terrorize him, and his mother was very detached from him in his infancy. Still I know I'm in a pot of hot oil here, cause this thing seems to be getting worse. I'll do my best to protect my daughter in the mean time.

I don't know if that's a normal feeling... But I'd seriously started reading those law books and start finding those loop holes. And get gone asap. And if he's calling you names that's emotional abuse. So there's your first loop hole. If I was you I wouldnt let your baby girl thinking that's okay for men to do that to her. I get you on the money thing but again with the loop holes. Good luck.

Hang in there and focus on you and your daughter - small steps to build yourself up you'll do it when you're ready. Please don't think you humiliated yourself Hun been there begged grovelled all sorts. Stay strong keep posting here to build yourself up (no judgements on here we've all been there) and remember you're the normal one. You'll get there big hugs xxx

3 Hearts

Thank you

Yes, we r the normal ones, but we have been manipulated so much and abused so that the fallout, we've done some things to ourselves as reactions to their abuse and manipulation that seem questionable to others... yes, been there, done that, got the t shirt. Just keep living people around you. I'm having to retrain myself into realizing and recognizing who living people are and what love means.

1 Heart

@newleaseonlife haha… I meant to spell loving people …autocorrect begone!