My problem

hi my name is brittney and i have a really terrible story if you dont want to read it you dont have to . it all started with my dad he kidnapped my mom and made her marry him . she had 2 sons and both they and my father abused her . when she had me i was forced into the mindset that women exist to be mens slaves . as a copeing mechanism i developed multiple personality disorder . i had stokholme syndrom and i cant forgive myself for that because my father is the father of my daughter and made her life hell until i finally turned him in now i hear all these people talking about forgiveness and aceptance and i dont want to forgive or accept what i want to do is be normal but thatcant happen and i have considered suicide but my daughters keep me from doing so im afraid that once they get older i will kill myself i dont know if this will help or not but i just wanted to get it out and stop lieing so fell free to respond

hey brittney
i'm so sorry for everything you have gone and are going through. this is an unbelievable and certainly unbearable story and you're so brave for opening up about it. i can only imagine how hard that was for you.

i can understand too that you doubt life in general but you are right, you have to live at least for your daughters. and i hope at some point you'll find your own joy.

have you ever considered seeing a counsellor? you have so much to deal with you shold not carry all this on your own.

keep us posted.

love
maedi

i have seen a shrink but talking to him did nothing but make me mad so i quit going

Brittany just because your daughters get older doesn’t mean they won’t still need their mother. Their daughters will also need their grandmother too.

the only reason i dont kill myself is that my youngest is still breastfeeding, once they get older i think i will have to either leave or die because i hate them for makeing me live and i know i love them but im afraid im going to hurt them

you said you saw a counselor but didn’t like him. There are many other counselors out there and I really feel you would benefit from pursing another one.
My neice didn’t like the first one she went to either but she now has one that she has connected with and she has been a tremendous help.

its not the shrink its that they try to make me remember and when i remember it hurts and when it hurts i get mad when i get mad i get depressed

Brittney-
I am so sorry to hear about the things that have happened and are still happening in your life. I can honestly say that I feel the same way about my son and having him be the only thing in the way of me living. I can't tell you how to change your feelings because when you get in such a low place it's hard to find anything to live for, even your children.

I see it as, even though I was not ready to have a child or raise one, or I did not have my child by the person I wanted to(my son's father is a controlling and belittling ****), I gave life to this person. This little person is have of me and is dependent on ME for survival. I take that as an honor, that another human being needs me. I keep thinking now that I will just send him away to his father and be rid of him to take my life, but he will have to live the remainder of his life with no mother. And I have had thoughts of taking him with me, ending it all with him and my mother, but as a Christian, I know I would never see them again.

I don't know how you and me both can find more to live for. Or come to understand that our children should be more than enough reason to keep living. I hope that people's comments on here and people in your community or other family you may have can be of guidance and comfort to you. I wish you the best of luck and please hang in there

Marlo

Please continue with your therapy. It might get worse before it gets better but you owe it to yourself to at least try.

i dont owe myself anything im the one that screwed myself up by haveing multiple personalitys

That is not your fault Brittany but you can choose to get help. I'm sure you have many qualities about you that far surpass your personality disorder.

no there isnt im depressed i cant eat i cant sleep im useless

I have to go now but please seek help! You are worth it whether you believe it now or not.
Good luck,

Happiness

Brittany, I am so terribly sorry you have to deal with so much at what I can only imagine to be such a young age. What you described is horrific at all costs, i'm glad however you were able to find a way out of what horrid situation.

Have you considered admitting yourself to a mental health unit?

no i havent

the idea of that scares me because i will be admitting that im crazy or depressed and i feel like once that happens things will get worse

I felt the same way until I had to admit myself. I found one day that I had skinned my thigh in my self injury. I realized I couldn't continue to live like I was and committed myself. What I realized in do so was not that I was admitting I was crazy but that I could not continue to live as I was and the only way I was going to be able to change my way of thinking into a positive way was to allow change in my life. Instead of thinking of it as admitting I was crazy I thought of it as admitting I needed more help then I was able to get from just one therapist.

I came out a person with more control over my life.

I wish you luck in your journey to wholeness.

thank you , ive only really tryed to fix myself this last mounth because my daughter walked in on me cutting myself and she told my husband and he got mad and has been trying to help me but when people try to help me it makes me feel helpless and i hate that feeling more than anything else . i hate feeling helpless worse than i hate my father

i've only just read in on the rest on this thread (**** timezones) and i feel horrible for how hopeless you sound. i understand it cause everytime someone tries to help or say aomething nice and supportive i can hear that voice in my head with all kinds of 'but' rather than being able to really take in what they say. it's annoying cause the people on here actually understand and know what they are talking about so why can't we let their advice in?? try to once in a while (i know it's hard as hell) to ignore that 'but' and really hear everyone on here. we're not just telling you these thigns to make you feel better but most of all cause they are the truth!!!

you say your personality disorder is your fault. how can you think that? did you choose to be born into this family? did you choose the path the men in your family took? what you have chosen is only to be married to a good man and to have and survive for your children. these are amzing things and evidence of a good personality. what you have to do is try banish the other ones but you can only do that with help. i can understand how hard it is to go back to counselling after a bad experience but i promise it's worth it.
you may not wanna live right now, believe me neither do i, but as you said there really is no choice. so i tell myself if i must live i have to do something about my situation because otherwise it's a living hell.

as happiness said, yes it will be worse before it gets better, especially as you've never had the chance to properly deal with things, but once you've gone through that you'll feel so much lighter. i'm not saying life will be perfect, it never is, but it can be better.

please consider further therapy, it doesn't make you crazy. i've had loads of them in my life and i think in a way it's something to be proud of because at least i'm strong enough to admit i need and seek help.

so sorry for the essay but your story really touches me and that's when i always start babbling :-)

keep posting on here, you can see what amazing support you get!!

lots of love
maedi

im not depressed all the time so i feel like a psyc ward will be like a prison