My progress and a minor set back

Hello friends,

I know it has been some time since I have posted on this support group. It is because I forgot the webpage address haha, but luckily I found it again through e-mail. I definitely could have used this site in the past 12 weeks. So much has happened that I would like to share!

Lets start off with the good news.. I have been in therapy for a little over a month now. I do find it very helpful. I am grateful that many of you recommended therapy. One other big success I am proud of is no binging or purging for 2 months. Unfortunately that success streak ended 3 weeks ago. Which brings me to my not so proud moments...

On September 26th I tried to harm myself. I was extremely frustrated and tired of the concept of life. I have always suppressed my feelings, and that night they just took over me. I let too many things get to my head. The things leading to my frustration were: not being able to accept myself, people's judgements, self-image, not ever having a relationship, boys, not knowing what I am going to do with my life, complications at home, and not knowing the point of life.

I took a handful of my Prozac thinking that it could do some type of damage, I wasn't intending on death, just something to relieve my frustrations. Before taking the pills I called my parents and told them how I was feeling. I was hysterical. I could not stop crying. I had never felt so low in my entire life. It was very scary. Since my parents live 1.5 hours away, my roommate made me call the suicide hotline. I was shocked at how unhelpful the person on the other line was. It seemed as though they weren't even trying to help me, it seemed more as a chore to them. Next, I asked my roommate to hide the razors because I was in such a different mental state I couldn't trust myself with anything. While she did that I took the pills, out of frustration. It took my roommate a little while to realize what I did. She then called 911. I was pink slipped (meaning I was forced to go to the hospital and could not be transported anywhere unless by an official or ambulance. I was also required to go to a mental hospital for further evaluation).

This is pretty much a negative situation but I did some things that I never thought I would ever do, such as riding in the back of a police car (the seats are so uncomfortable!), taking a 1.5 hour ambulance ride to a mental institution, and just being in a mental hospital.

I was so scared to go to the mental hospital. But I learned so many valuable things that I would like to share. The one thing that I must share with everyone, because it was most comforting to me, is that A MENTAL DISORDER IS NOTHING DIFFERENT THAN A HEART DISORDER. IT IS NOTHING WE CAN CONTROL. WE CAN NOT FIX IT ON OUR OWN. I was ashamed of having an eating disorder/mental disorder because I thought that I could control it and fix it. In reality you can't. For all the people that think that people with mental disorders can control them, I would just like to say that they are very uneducated in the matter and are judgmental people. Don't judge someone before you put yourselves in their shoes. I think everyone should put themselves in the other person's shoes before making judgments no matter what situation it is.

After all of this experience I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe this experience has happened so that: 1.) I can help someone who is going through the same problems I did down the pathway of my life 2.) Help save my relationship with God (it was one heck of an eye-opener) 3.) Find out my future career (recreational therapy, occupational therapy, radiational therapy.. therapy none the less!).

I hope that none of you have to go through this and if you ever have negative or bad thoughts just talk to someone (that way you will create a support group) or write it down in a journal (that is what I do its a very useful venting tool). Just don't let your suppressed feelings and negative emotions take over your body. You are in charge.

This is one passage I found helpful, it is about worrying:

Matthew 6:34-Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

there is nothing more eye opening than a relationship with God or anything that is positive. You can go to a place that is quiet and just release all that you have locked away. I often find myself praying and meditating alone. I find that I can understand a little better without the distraction of anyone who does not understand my feelings. You must not feel ashamed of any disorder that you have because there are some many of us who have them in one way or the other. There was a time when people did not want to understand and deal with people who were hurting and didn't know why, now we all have them. All you can do is take it one day at a time and do the best you can to deal with it. reaching out is good and will do you some good.Please try not to hurt yourself so that when you feel up to it you can write back. take care and be strong.

I am so glad you seem to have found your way ♥

im really glad you found the site again :-) and your faith in God and especially in YOURSELF!!

i hope we will hear more on how you are doing. and please let us know if you need anything. as you said, talk before you act!

wishing you well
maedi