Today is a hard day. My husband recently told me he cheated on me in November of last year. He has explained that it was only for sexual reasons. I had seen a change in him, but I am still in horrific shock. You see, I do try to look beyond him. I have put my faith and trust into the Lord to get through this. He was awesome and I am partially to blame. I neglected and took advantage of our marriage. I had insecurities. In December, I gave birth to our third child. I had a very difficult pregnancy and was hospitalized due to blood pressure issues. One night I reflected on my life and I didn't like what I saw. I realized that everything was in my mind and not truly coming from my heart. I changed because I began to love myself and once I loved myself I fell inlove with my husband all over. My husband saw it and I think that's what led him to confess to me because he felt so much guilt. I am angry at him b/c he didn't commit himself fully to me. The truth is I didn't either. I understand how some people forgive and others don't. It is so difficult, but we must forgive ourselves. In this situation, I pushed my husband away. He wants to reconnect and we are living together because we have three small children, twin six year old boys and a three month old baby. It's difficult for me b/c we don't know where this will go. I want to call him and tell him everything and tell him how sorry I am but I don't want to badger him either b/c it will only push him away further. How do you stop yourself from wanting to know everything he's doing when you know that's not right anyway but will still do it?
Hi Iamstrong, I think that you are such an amazing woman; you are so strong, so forgiving, so honest, and truly a role model. What you have gone through and now coming to this end of it truly shows your strength. To know and realize that your actions may have played a part and that he wasn't 100% to blame, takes a lot of self realization and strength. I don't condone infidelity by any means, but I do know that we are all human and we make mistakes. It's what we do moving forward that matters. Your husband is clearly deeply regretful for his actions and you are now in a much better place; therefore, I know that you can have a long lasting beautiful relationship. It will take time for you to re-build trust with him, so what you are feeling in regard to wanting to know what he is doing is the norm for now. It's okay to feel that way. Know that you are both in a different place now and you are working towards a healthy and trustworthy relationship.
I hope that I understood everything correctly, please let me know if I mis-spoke/wrote. Please know that we are here for you.
Thanks so much puppydoglvr. It is so hard to be going through this. The hardest part is to trust again. I am hurting so much b/c I really can't talk to my family about this b/c my sister's fionce' committed suicide, my grandmother had a stroke and my cousin has cancer all happened in one month. I don't want to put more stress into my family, but i am scared I will have a breakdown which sometimes I just cry. I don't want to do that in front of my husband b/c he will only look at me as weak and that could push him away. I love him so much but at the same time it's truly killing me and I tell myself that I am special. He made the bad decision, but it doesn't define who he is entirely. I just need to stay in this support group to help others and help myself.
I feel it would be fine to print this out for him to read & share with him how this IS effecting you emotionally as it can only open the doors to more communication & understanding for both of you since I sense your both willing to go the distance in repairing your relationship which will assist all of you in feeling more peaceful & content as a whole family unit. If you feel you cant do that right now then keep talking w/all your friends here as that does help.
All my strengths.
April
He told me he is having mixed signals. Right now I am trying to understand him. He did tell me about stuff in his past that has affected him. I did break down last night but I needed that. He doesn't like to talk about it too much.
This IS something he has to work out on his own (usually some stay in the denial stage or only give a little information) so you should do your best to focus on yourself & kids instead of letting this eat you alive (which takes your focus off everyone) have you ever sought therapy/counseling, if affordable? A counselor could help guide you through what your experiencing AFTER they get to know you.
Usually issues lie in ones past history, the way one is raised, genetic links if applicable or traumatic experiences & thats the place to start looking for answers for what you may really be dealing with in this relationship & he would have to do the same but from what your describing hes not heading in that direction & your just being (I hate to say this) submissive yet feeling/thinking your being a good spouse/supportive partner while he has CHECKED OUT.
I'm sorry for being a little hard but this is going to take alot more if hes not willing to face the issues w/you & in turn have a wonderful, peaceful, content relationship with such a loving/willing women.
Iamstrong,
Counseling for you, counseling for him and couples counseling. Also, read, read, read about infidelity and follow what many of the books say. Some therapist say you shouldn't talk about the affair; however, research has shown that couples who talk about the affair stay together more often than those who don't talk about it. My husband had an affair and I needed to know every single detail right down to what she looked like (and I saw her picture on facebook). My imagination was worse than reality. Yes, the reality is bad, but my imagination was worse. My emotions have been all over the place since I found out. ONe day I am in love with him and want to make it work and the next day I am ready to kick his butt out of the house. Reading, talking and counseling are all seeing us through this. I disagree with anyone who says you shouldn't talk about the affair. He must talk about it and he must answer any of your questions as it is an acknowledgement of what he did and it also shows his loyalty to you and not to the affair or the other woman. Absolutely talk about it and absolutely call him and talk to him and don't worry about badgering him. The fact that you are worried about badgering him by calling tells me there are some communication issues in your marriage and that is likely one reason you ended up in this situation. Also, as far as the timing of the affair? It is so common for men to cheat when their wife is pregnant!! I don't remember the reason why,b ut I thought that was amazing. I wonder if it is a biological thing. Best wishes. I;m going through this mess right now and it is not easy!
Brownie, well said & so true that our imagination can be SO MUCH worse then the facts at hand & I too wonder if its biological (caveman) :/ & then again, all of us human beings need to be the type of people willing to nurture relationships & pass it on/teach by example, to the next generation & is ashame whats being directly/indirectly taught nowadays.