My Story my fears

Hello,

My name is Maureen and ---I usually post on Support Groups a lot but in the Eating Disorder section. I am almost a year in recovery of anorexia. So while I'm very proud of that I also have agoraphobia...

I keep putting this fear of going out in the backburner right now cause I dont want to deal with the agoraphobia. I have other issues I am dealing with now, my eating disorder, social anxeity and low self esteem. But I am slowly starting to realize this agoraphobia is something that is ruining me. It has taken over. I can't stop it either --by myself. I just cant. It is too powerful. In fact for me , it is harder getting over my fear of going outside than my anorexia. It is making so soooo sad.
I really really was in denial about having agoraphobia--but i just cant go outside and take a walk. I mean I feel soo stupid for having this fear! Like what is wrong with me--people go outside every day --every day and I look out the window wishing wishing I could break free of all of this ! I have no trouble at all going out with say me fiancee---I actually LOVE that but as far as going out ALONE I just can't. It makes me feel so stupid and ashamed and embarrased I have this!

I feel I should give you the WHYs to how I think this all happened. See, growing up I was abused as a child horrifically--- I had physical , sexual and verbal/ emotional abuse. My mom was verbal and physical and even sexually abusive towards me and my dad was very sexually abusive towards me. So, it really took a toll on my self esteem, I felt like I was worthless and no good and ugly and stupid and cant do anything well. My mom would even go as far as being very abusive to me (when I was in my 20's) when I would leave the house or go to college or have a dream or job, etc.... saying that I would fail and that is was too stupid to so anything. She would always put me down very harshly whenever I would try to go out there and accomplish something in life...
In fact, she even became physically abusive when I was going to college, saying I was too stupid to go to college and/or would even come after me physically. I would then run into my room and lock it. Sometimes she would even throw hot coffee at me when I was starting college. One time she did that I just cried and I did not go to college that semester. The other time she did that I was singing at a college recital and she threw a cup of hot coffe at me but missed. I spat at her and did the recital ANYWAY. She would always down me, tell me I would fail at everything---and when I actually did as I was told and did nothing with my life---and stayed in my room being sad--she was nicer to me and did things for me. As long as I did nothing with my life and was sad and stayed in my room --she was somewhat decent to me.

Obviously ( and my therapist agrees) she was very very mentally ill and twisted and sick in the head for what she did to me. My therapist is just shocked at what I had to endure as a child. She says that overall I came out very very well--considering. I do agree but I have so many many emotional problems from so much trauma at a young age--even into my adulthood! Like--I cant go out now or take a walk outside cause I so hear my moms voice in my head that 'your not good enough to'! I actually feel as if I dont even deserve to go outside--yet I can go out with someone I am close to. I really want to overcome this but it is hard! I have my therapist and she is GREAT but we are working on other areas of my life now--which includes the distorted body image and eating disorder and the abuse that happened. I really havent told her much of my fear of going out. I will start talking about it with her cause it is taking over my life! I can't go on with these thoughts/ feelings anymore... and I just cannot get over this by myself.

Sorry this is so long but there is so much to this problem I am describing. I guess it ended up into a book! LOL!! I guess I should take everything one day at a time though. I got over my eating disorder and heck if I can do something as hard as getting over anorexia --I'm sure in time I can get over this fear of going out. I also feel like I am starting to get my ambition in life back, even though that was totally destroyed in me.

I feel I made a first step in writing this out and not hiding my problem. As horribly scary as it was to share--it was worth it!

thanks so much

Love
Maureen

Alright my friends --I bet you are thinking why the HECK would I post this in the eating disorders section? becasue i know you all on here very well---and i felt as if it would help me sharing this with you all. plus it kinda involves the WHYS of my ED. and thats important.

im sorry if this post is long and not even in the right category---but i felt as if i wanted to share with you all what happened to me . i do remember some of you on here sharing what happened in your life and i wanted to share mine. i also feel more comfortable sharing with you all on here----so admitting something ive been in such denial about was much easier on here( although dont worry i still posted this in the agoraphoibia section).

sorry guys----this is long and in the wrong section even ( it also should have been a journal--ugh)
and im scared as HELL sharing this---ughhhh!

but in a way it feels a weight has been lifted...

love you guys!!!

maureen

Maureen, DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING, we are a family and it is irrelivant what section you post in, you are a part of THIS family...do you understand!?

This was very brave of you, very brave. You had a horrific childhood/early adulthood it must have been horrible.
I believe that ones past experiences, no matter how horrible or terrorizing help shape you into the person you are today. Now don't misunderstand, I do NOT condone what happened to you at all, but you cannot change what's already done, you can close your eyes and wish and wish that it wasn't so, but what's done is done as the saying goes. What you CAN change is today, tommorow and all the days to come.

You are a beautiful person inside and out, I hope u realize how much your presence helps people on here, you are someone I consider a very positive influence in my life. Your moms voice that you hear, she's a lot like ED. When she tells you that you don't deserve to go outside, excuse the language, but **** YOU yes I do deserve to go outside. Its like when ED tells you not to eat, you tell him to take a hike and shut up....your mom is like ED.

What if you went for a walk to your mailbox? Or to the local corner store and bought some pretty flowers? If that's too far, take a walk around your street-whatever just don't let someone who had such a negative impact on ur past affect for your present and future.

You are allowed to have dreams, goals, aspirations in life, I know you have them, everyone does Maureen. Please start living your life FOR YOU and together we can all think of ways that you can achieve these goals...remember baby steps <3 you are loved here!

thanks so much lilac for that wonderfully beautiful reply! it warmed my heart like a bouquet of flowers! thanks so much! thanks so for making me feel much much better! your words really helped me and thank you.
thanks so much for saying my peresence makes a difference on here--that makes me happy.

yes you are right lilac---ive always said what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. you actually become more resilient through problems in life if you have gone through the worst already --you know? so that part i definelty agree with--althogh it did give me many problems it also in a away made me who i am---gave me more comapassion and love for others cause of what happened to me and gave me a child like curiosity in life. only that i now have to explore that curiosity...now.

thanks so much lilac---yes my mom is a lot like ED! totally! yes i do need to battle that voice i hear that im stupid and good for nothing and cant go outside like i did with the voice that told me i was fat/ dont eat. yep i need to tell it to go **** off ( yes i think sometimes vulgarity is useful-LOL!) and say yes i do deserve to go outside. my therapist says i need to bury my mom--and although it was hard fo rme to hear--she is right. i will keep the good from her but bury the bad. she says i was brainwashed and that will take a long time to de brainwash myself. she even compares my childhood to that of a prisoner of war----but at the hands of my parents.

hmm i could go to the corner of the block today or --what i could do is go sit outside on my steps of my front porch... that would be a baby step i could do. and the next day--i could go to the corner. and the next day to the store. although there arent many places of interest where i live---the only good stores are way to far to walk. anyway--i could still give it a shot and increase my walking little by little. baby steps--like ED. in comaprision to ED this would be like my first meal.HA. just like it would be too hard for some of you on here to eat 3 meals in one day---you do what you can tolerate--and build up that courage. for me sitting outside would be like my first meal i had when i started recovery. and then i added another meal when i faced that fear and another meal when i got over that fear. baby steps. you cant go all gung ho at first cuz you will go back into your shell. so today after lunch i will sit outside . to my dismay it is a rainy day...ughhhhh. but i will go when it isnt raining.

thanks so much lilac for helping me through this hell and i know how it is starting for you when you have ED and are so scared of how to deal with it and asking for help. asking for help/ admitting the problem is the first step. then therapy(with a good therapist ) is the next. then support/ support team....and incorporating baby steps to get over the fear.
like for example what you did yesterday was great--you incorporated baby steps to help with your ED and thats great.

that is what i ll do...with this other fear...i need to overcome. to bad by the time im freakin over this agoraphobia itll be winter and too cold to go out for long periods of time! LOL!

you are right i do have dreams and aspirations and althogh mine were stomped and made fun of ---i need to get them back . and i am! my ambition is coming back! so thats good! i do want to go back to college and get an english degree---you know ---i would have already had that degree if my mom hadnt stopped me. but , hey what is done is done. cant change it...

there is a job i am going to apply for! i am studying for it! it is a writing online job and you have to fill out an application to see if you are approved--but i soooo want that job!!! really! ive always wanted to be a writer in fact---i like practicing writing on here cause any type of writing is good practice.
so i will go back and get that degree soon--but if i do get this job im thinking of--i dont know if ill have time to go both---but well see. baby steps ---i also cant excpect to have a career/job just like instantly. it takes TIME.
so with that im also working on a book Im writing --and i wrote one poetry book ( i have to edit it) and send that out. that has been sitting on my dresser for YEARS staring back in my face every day. i was too afraid to do anything with it... now --i try not to fear sending it out(ok im a little scared!)

well, seems ive already written a freakin book here yet again----HA!

thanks lilac---so much for your kindness it so helped me as i was shaking before when i wrote that post!!!!

thanks so much!

love and hugz
maureen

Lilac, you said it so well I won't repeat it. Maureen, Lilac is RIGHT ON in her comments. You are very brave to disclose your issue here and know that agrophobia is VERY common and treatable. My guess is it's a hell of alot easier than ED, but then what do I know?
Anyway, one thing at a time, sweet friend. You will get there. And we are all here for you!

molly, thanks so much, girl…

yep i will have to totally agree with you on lilacs response --it was great!

you are so right one thing at a time as i cant overcome everything all at once.

as far as it being easier than ED hmmmmm… i cant say really. for me it was easier to get over ED. i dont know why agoraphobia has a much much stronger hold over me. although getting over ED is one of the hardest things ever !!! for sure…
i have to battle it everyday!

thanks so much friend!!!

love
maureen

Maureen,

I am so proud of you for being brave enough to share this with us. You can get through this, we are all here for you!

You are amazing! Thinking of you,
allee

thanks so much allee!!!it was scary but helpful at the same time.

i do think if i can conquer on e thing such as ED i can conquer—just about anything you know???

thanks allee as you are amazing also!!!

love
maureen

I think that job sounds AMAZING for you Maureen...I really hope you go for it, you deserve it.
How did you make out on the porch? Did the rain let up?

ughhhhh---yea i checked out that job lilac---unfortunatley im glad i checked it out cuz it ended up being a hoax...blech... ugh.... oh well....

so i ended up looking into other jobs i could do and found two that looked possible and i also checked them out to make sure they were legit... they seemed legit from what i researched.. soooo--- ill research for a while more--study then apply. BUT they look like they are strict with their writers and acceptance and it looks like a lot of these places that hire writers WANT and college degrees. in fact almost all of them do . it is much perferred.they might not even accept me without a degree. oh well. well, i might as well give it a go anyway....

it was pretty wet outside today as i pretty much studied all day today( for that job that was a scam!) as well as cleaned. keeping up a house is a full time job in itself--HA.. so i am sad to report i didnt go out today---BUT I WILL tomorrow. im gonna make a not of it....and i hope it wont be to rainy....my joints ( (arthritits) is killing me today.

thanks so much lilac for your beautiful words of inspiration----it so helped me today...i was so scared to write that post...

love and hugz

maureen

You're very welcome silly, no need to thank me...we are all here for eachother <3

It didnt happen for you today, thats okay, tommorow is a new day and you know what? If it doesnt happen tommorow...theres always going to be a day after the next. But I find if you put something off too long, we tend to lose focus and conquering a fear is def one of those things we tend to put off. Baby steps is all it takes, I promise. Hey...why not bring your laptop outside with you and let nature inspire the next thing you write? Or bring a note book and a pen and just write out what your feeling at that exact moment? I bet it would help a lot....even if the only thought is 'i'm scared'....then you think of why you're scared and how to overcome it.

Im glad you found out sooner rather then later about the scam job...i swear people have waay too much time on their hands to create fake shit....ohwell...move on to the next. I never mentioned this before, but I didnt go to school for journalism or writing either, one day i wrote an article that was very important to me and submitted it to a major magazine..it took months but they got back to me and wanted to publish it on their online site. Goes to show you just gotta try, try and try. Just because it says degree required....you can blow them away with your writing and a degree wont matter one bit!

Hang in there and never give up!

i wont put going outside off tomorrow. im a little afraid i might though... but i wont let it get to me. i wont.
i will conquer this tomorrow.

and i love your idea of bringing a pad and pen with me---thats a great idea. i think what could be a problem is my neighbors around where i live are nasty , gossipy , nosy and judemental so i kinda fear them??? i know i shouldnt... i mean i dont care what they think. i dont.

and wow--thanks so much for your advice on the writing job---that so cool they wanted your article! did you publish it ???? i hope you did. thanks so much for that and i can only hope i can break through without a degree. i really hope so... thanks so much lilac --for the wonderful support! ill research it again and go for it--and see what happens! ok im scared as hell right now and im having about 1000 doubtlets saying--holy crap you can't do that!
but i wont listen to them.

yes people really do have to give up the scams and bogus crap....ugh... LOL!

love and hugz

maureen

Who cares what your nosey neibourghs think? You're living your life for YOU not THEM! YOU CAN DO THIS...we'll call your mom's negative voice MD (mom-disorder) you need to push MD out of your head, and surround yourself with positives. When you sit outside tommorow with your pen and paper, take a look at the leaves, write about how beautiful the colours changing are....take a look up at the sky and write about the clouds above...when you hear MD, close your eyes, breathe in and out very slowly and silently say ....YOU ARE WRONG..I deserve to be happy...I WILL NOT LET YOU ruin my day!! And finish with another deep cleansing breath...you will get through it :)

Oh and yes, I did get it published :)

thanks so much lilac for the incredible advice and i will make sure to remember it for tomorrow. yeah i dont care what those people think. ive always said that. i always will not care what others think. i wont look at them.

MD-- i love that! LOL!!! ED and MD!!!!! hahahha! thats so cool! yes i will tell MD to go away and i deserve to be happy! i think we all should use what YOU just to me for ED!!! all of us!!!!! right???

im so happy ! yea! you got publsihed!!! i also did too when i was 21 --it was my first poem i ever submitted and it got into a magazine. the next year that same magazine become VERY popular and no one could get in with a degree or a freakin pulitzer prize--(LOL) you really did have to be a known writer to get in the next year--so i tried the next year and got rejected. ugh i was maaaad! but the editor told me dont excpect to get in cause they only took famous writers with college degrees. so after that--i stopped sending out my writing. yes my bad...

but i wont now...

thanks so much !!!!!!!!

love
maureen

well i did it . lilac . although i hate hated it. ugh. this is such a crappy day. my fiancee and i are mad at each other and now he wont even answer his phone and he doesnt want to talk to me anymore. so i had an awful time outside----didnt even care if it was pretty outside at all. then i think i gained weight on top of everything else --not a lot but a teeny bit. so i feel fat, sad and angry all at once. so could not appreciate anything outside at all. and i was to scared to write anything down.
yes i have my period / PMS and i just hate everything now. and i lost my glasses on top of that.
now my fiancee is beyond mad at me and now i cant help but wonder if hell ever talk to me again...sigh...

well--i tried!!!!! cant say i liked it though....

thanks so for the push lilac!

love
maureen

I have my period too...blah :/

I'm sure you will patch things up with your fiancee, no relationship is perfect and a good relationship has bumps in the road - always! Chin up :)

I'm glad you went outside....so you didnt write, big deal..you went outside and thats huge!!!! I'm very excited and proud of you Maureen :)

As far as the mild weight gain....I always always always gain more then a few lbs on my period, its temporary and will pass.

i think my PMS is getting worse as i get older. i just turned 34 about 2 weeks ago---and i mean i ve always had bad PMS but this was just weird. i take something called evening primrose oil and it works wonders for PMS . it really does. i didnt take it the week before my period like i was supposed to though... today was just weird--mood swings like ive never had beofre. luckily, the evening primrose oil helped in the fact that it wasnt for 5 days just 1 day . but this is getting wierd. ughhh.... i really do think as you get older PMS worsens...

my fiancee and i are ok. ugh-- we always have PMS arguments it is like a tradition LOL....
i swear though if he had a uterus ( especially a one with cycts and fibroids ) he would 'get it' LOL.

yes i am proud/glad i went out. just wish i didnt hate everything today. i couldnt appreciate what was outside!it was so nice out! ughhhh... well, at least i did it. and you know what? this one guy walks by when i went outside, and this guy made snide remarks to me earlier this year when i was outside. ughhhhh . great , i though. he said 'hi and i was said hi very softly. did not feel like talking to HIM.

so i just minded my own business....and i did it. although i would have stayed out longer given i wasnt in such a bad mood. but yes i am happy i did it.

thanks lilac!!

I am so sorry you had to go through that but I am glad you decided to share it. I have agoraphobic but because I used to be super skinny and now Im fat. Its hard for me to leave my house. Ive managed to get myself to the gym and back sometimes but thats starting to get to me and ive been going less and less. Ive always been afraid to succeed in anything because of how my family treated me all my life. like some crazy fragile little girl who was incapable of doing anything correct on her own. my cousins were sexually abusive and would lock me in closets. That is the first time ive ever told anyone that and i want to cry! but long story short, drugs kept me skinny and now that im off them im fat and scared of everything because theres no addictions to hide behind =/

gina, i so hope you get help for your problems and seek counseling...for what happened to you. know you are not what you weigh--you are the person on the inside and you dont deserve to punish yourself like i did-by not going out of the house. you did not deserve to be locked in the closets and sexually abused. i know part of the reason we keep ourself hidden inside is from being abused and hurt by that . but dont let that get you down. you are beautiful and i know how abuse can make you FEEL ugly but it isnt true. you deserve better. you do...

i hope you seek help for your troubles for you deserve a good life!

love
maureen