I joined this becasue i have been suffering a long time, and I'm ready to turn my life around, so i think i need to start by telling my story..
First off i was adopted as a baby, I met my birthmother when I was 18, and started talking to my birthfater a few months ago...I feel like this plays a large part in my story..
Anyway, i grew up my whole life surrounded by negativity, my mom would contatnly make comments about my weight, and how I'd be prettier if i just lost weight, and she would always tell me to do my hair different or dress nicer, or that she was embarresed by how I look....now I constier myself pretty.. but i guess never good enough for her. My dad would just straight put me down, if i went out he said i looked like a slut, he told me i was a failure, just very hurtful things. I tried talking about it several time but they would just laugh at me and make me feel stupid, and tell me I was un greatful and appricitive. I forgot to mention my parents are both very controlling they like to tell me how to do everything and make feel like nothing I do is right, normal, or good. My parents are very conservative Catholics, and I would call myself a free spirit, very laid back easy going. When I was 17 i lost a lot of weight, and could probably say i had an eating disorder, because i felt like I could never please my parents.
around this time i had an amazing group of friends and had high confidence, and i was always happy when i wasn't home, but I hated spending any time with my parents because I just got tired of the put downs and being treated like an idiot. My parents contantly blamed me for the way they acted.
Now lets fast forward....
I met my so called prince charming at my work while in a relationship with a man who cheated on me with my best friend at the time. I left him for the new guy. The new guy was "perfect" I fell madley and deeply in love with him. He treated me like a princess and spoiled me, he told me he loved me after a week, and after the way my ex treated me and cheated on me if felt good to be loved. So things were great...until after about 2 months I caught him talking to his recent ex of four years, telling her he loved her still, at that point I was done, I didn't need the drama or hurt, so i ended it. Well he begged and begged me to come back, so eventaully I gave in and took him back, well and things got better and we decided to move in together and got engaged..this was after 5 months...but he was so good to me, and treated me like a princess. We had such good times and I loved him. Well when we moved in together things started coming undone. I caught him lying a lot, and looking at porn constantly. We started fighting all the time, and he just started treating me really crappy. i also started to notice that he had a violent temper, but whenever I would start to walk away he would buy me flowers or gifts and make me fall back in love with him. Well the first time I saw him violent was the night before valentines day, he got drunk and acted violent towards me, i was going to call the police because i was scared, but instead i called my dad to come get me. The next day he apologized and talked to me, and like an idiot I forgave him. Well things never got better, there was alaways lies, and he was always doing stuff behind my back, I couldnt trust him. I was hurting all the time, but kept pulling me back and sweet talking to me. We ended up getting married last July, it was very stressful, and not fun at all. We bought a house, and at this point I was gaining weight, not talking to friends, not going out, not doing much, just sitting at home watching TV. I gained about 60 pounds with him, i stopped wearing make up, I stoppped doing my hair. I felt ugly all the time, and started hating myself. He stopped wanting to have sex with me, it hurt more than anything. After we got married he started really treating me like crap, he would call me a *****, a slut, a *****. If i had mood swings on my period he said i was psycho and crazy. He looked at porn constantly, and maade me feel rejected and just horrible, and it turn i tried doing anything i could to please him, but he continued treating me horrible. I tried leavinga few times, and he always sweet talked me back, and i always came back. Eventually i just became numb to everything and stopped caring about everything, i stoped doing good in school, or caring about work, or how i looked. My self esteem was buried under ground, i was always aplogizing to him and just trying not to make him mad, because i didn't wanna suffer the consiquences of him. He only was violent with me maybe 3 times, but the emotional abuse was just heartbreaking. I am three weeks out, and livign back home with my parents. They don't understand what I'm going through at all, they remind me of the sad life i have thats going nowhere. I am hurting and in a ton of pain. Very few people understand the DEEP pain I am in. I feel completely broken and life less....
I joined this because I wanna find myself again. I want to be happy!