I am new in my attempts to reach out for help with this problem, I have over the years struggled with my own sexuality I include this because I have mastered the ability to hide who and what I am from others. Due to my strong religious up bringing I developed an abhorrence to those who are homosexual and at the same time I have internalized a self loathing due to who and what I am as a result. I had always hoped these feeling would have just gone away and I can remember once opening up to a spiritual older man in the congregation I belong many years ago now about my feeling and he said: "All men go through this its just something you will out grow once you marry." Well, I married for a short while 8yrs it didn't last we divorced.
I want to enter in how I have coped with my self loathing over the years; through drinking heavily at times, drugs of all sorts and finally 8 years ago a suicide attempt or should I say several attempts.
Now in my mid 50's I have fallen into satisfying my desires for sex with frequenting these porn sites to get satisfied sexually. Only to come away with the feelings of guilt, shame and anger. I have tried about everything in my attempts to bring this under control to no avail. I sought out the help of the congregation again opening up to a couple of older men in the congregation of my struggles, hoping by getting others involved I might be able to gain victory over my struggles. I have pulled away from the congregation I guess the shame of now others being aware of who and what I am. And now, I find myself in yet another attempt reaching out for help from others. Sorry about this being so long!
Hi road_runner,
Let me assure you that there is help for your situation, you just need to look in the right places for it. Before I make any suggestions as to where you might be able to get this help, I'd like to make sure I'm clear on two points.
First, you said you had a strong religious upbringing. I was just wondering if you were raised a Christian. I ask because there are some great books and support services available for Christians, and I didn't want to send you that way if you were Jewish, Buddhist, or Muslim. So there's a reason why I'm asking, I'm not just being nosy.
And second, although you didn't say as much, I got the idea from what you shared that as a part of your sexual addiction, you either act out in a homosexual fashion or you look at gay porn. I just want to make sure I'm understanding you correctly. If I am right about this, I need to tell you that I've known at least twenty (20) other guys in the years I've been in recovery who act out in the same way. This behavior pattern is somewhat common among sex addicts, both male and female. As a matter of fact, the guy who told me about the first Twelve Step meeting I went to acted out in this way. So be assured, I'm not trying to embarrass or shame you, only understand where, exactly, you're coming from.
If you could get back to me on these two points, I will then be able to provide you with some guidance and direction concerning your sexual addiction situation. Thanks for your time and for your forthcoming response.
Charlie I appreciate your assurance. To answer your questions I was and am a christian in the strictest form, in that I believe God's word which outlines his standards should and cannot be watered down or sugar coated.
I can remember prior to getting my divorce, I met with a therapist who she was gay, encouraged me to possible meet a gay pastor to discuss my religious values. I could not do it because, there was no way I could harmonize my thoughts and desires to be with a man as being something God would condone and accept. There is one point I think I need to place here though, I do not believe I am the first man to have struggled with such feelings. In the first century congregation the apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 he first addresses there those who would not inherit God's Kingdom in part, men who lie with men, he then concluded in verse 11 but, that is what some of you were. Denoting past tense!
Early in my life and even up through my marriage I had never pursued the desires I had or have, but in 2001 I turned my back on what I knew to be true and began feeding those desires I had for men. This involved joining some websites where I posted nude pics of myself and where I could connect with others in my area to satisfy my lust for men. Eventually, I turned aside from such pursuits removing my nude posting and involvement with these dating websites. But something I have continued to struggle with is the pornography found on gay websites, I manage to avoid them for a period maybe days, weeks or even a month or two, but those desires get the mastery over me.
Now, again I struggle with Jesus words at Matthew 5:27,28 which reads: "You heard that it was said, 'You must not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone that keeps on looking at a woman (or man)so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery in his heart." I know if I don't stop, eventually this sin will get the mastery over me again, I feel as one Bible writer described, "Miserable man that I am."
And so I isolate myself and sit in front of my computer only to fall victim to this sin that has entangled me. Thank you for listening.
road_runner
Hi again road-runner,
I apologize for my delay in getting back to you, but life sometimes has a way of taking up a lot of your time. Please know that the delay had absolutely nothing to do with you, only with some of the things that have been going on in my life (fun things actually like a new grandbaby!).
I usually suggest that new sex addicts begin their recovery process by learning a bit about this disease, and the quickest and easiest way to do that is to read a book or two on the subject. In your case, I am going to suggest that you get hold of a book titled, "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" and a workbook that goes along with it titled, "Faithful and True: Workbook". Both of these were written by the Rev. Dr. Mark Laaser, an ordained Christian minister and a licensed clinical psychologist.
Mark is a very old and dear friend of mine, and his book provides the fairest and most balanced presentation of sexual addiction that I've ever seen. He talks about the spiritual implications of sexual addiction, but also gives plenty of attention to the very real, and serious, psychological issues that go along with this disorder. The book and workbook can be ordered from either: www.amazon.com, or directly from Mark's ministry, Faithful and True Ministries (www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/). If you go on Mark's ministry's website, you can check out a few of the other books Mark, and his wife Debbie have written.
The second thing I wanted to tell you is that Mark will be sponsoring a FREE webinar on sexual addiction on Thursday evening, February 17, 2011 from 7:00 P.M. to 8:30 P.M. Central Standard Time. I posted a notice on this site (SupportGroups.com) about the webinar, so you can learn more about it there, or you can write to Mark in care of his ministry and he will be happy to fill you in on all of the details. During the webinar, Mark will be answering questions that people who registered for the workshop have submitted. Short of talking with Dr. Patrick J. Carnes, the "father" of the sexual addiction movement, there is NO ONE on this planet who knows more about sexual addiction than the Rev. Dr. Mark Laaser! This would be a great way to learn more about this disease.
My final suggestion is one that I'm hesitant to make, and I'll explain why in just a minute. There is a group out there called Celebrate Recovery which is an outreach ministry of Rev. Rick Warren and his Saddleback Church in California. Warren is the author of, "The Purpose Driven Life" and was the guy who gave the invocation at President Barack Obama's inauguration. There is no doubt about Rev. Warren's faith, but I'm not so sure about Celebrate Recovery (www.celebraterecovery.com).
In general, I have a lot of trouble with faith based programs when it comes to dealing with sexual addiction. Most such programs that I've investigated spend a lot of time on getting members right with God again. And while this is extremely important, it is DEFINITELY NOT the only issue that needs to be dealt with here. Yet most of these program spend absolutely no time dealing with things such as impaired thinking, faulty core beliefs, childhood abuse history, etc., all of which are causative factors in the creation of sexual addiction. Ignoring them is ludacris! If these issues aren't addressed, the sexual addiction will be back again at a later date, and this time, it will be deeper and much more ingrained in the addict's personality than it was before. So my concern is that I don't know if Celebrate Recovery works this way or not. Do they spend time talking about and dealing with the very real psychological issues that are a part of this disorder? If so, then they might be worth checking out. However, if they ignore these issues while focusing instead on "getting right with God", I'd run from these groups as fast as I could and would never look back. So the decision as to what you'd like to do is up to you.
As an alternative to Celebrate Recovery, let me tell you that there are at least five (5) Twelve Step groups that are designed specifically for sex addicts out there. Between these five (5) fellowships, there are hundreds and hundreds (if not thousands) of Twelve Step meetings each and every week all across this country. I have posted a listing of all of these groups and their web addresses elsewhere on this site, so you shouldn't have any trouble finding this information. I know how these groups work, and they all address both the psychological and spiritual aspects of this disease, however, they are not, specifically, "Christian" groups. Anyway, these will be there as options for you if you'd like to check them out.
That's about all I've got for now, so I'm going to go ahead and close. I hope something here helps. If you have any questions or if I can be of any further service, please feel free to let me know. I'm always happy to help in any way I can. Good luck to you!