My therapist over the weekend wondered if my expectations/needs were realistic. Like I always do when I'm caught off guard, and feel reactive to something, I accepted the question and said I'd think about that. That was before my ex disclosed...
My ex (narc or not, you tell me) finally was able to share the three big things for him that spelled the end of the relationship for him.
He is a parent and has his 2 kids every other week. From the beginning of our relationship, his son had emotional problems and there were frequent issues with the school, police, lying, stealing, drug use, etc. (His son has since graduated from high school, become trade certified and employed.) It was a very difficult environment for me to willingly insert myself, but at least in the beginning, I would. Over time, I would go over less and less. I couldn't bring myself to go over because the combination of volatility and emotional void were too close to the worst of my own childhood. I also couldn’t help but identify with his son on occasion (things were always black and white with my ex, and I didn't always see it that way) and felt caged by the diplomacy I had to use to express the mildest of dissent. Any less and my concerns or perspective were dismissed. My ex did tell me that it was important to him that I come over, that he needed my support. I did my best. At the beginning, it was easy – but I also didn’t feel invisible. I just wanted to be acknowledged when I got there. I wanted it to feel like he cared that I was there. When he didn’t want to get up from the couch to greet me or when he just sat staring at the TV after I got there, it didn’t feel like it mattered, like I mattered. Was I expecting too much? I would try and talk to him, but got one word/short answers. I really felt like this was too painful, and on top of the inconvenience, that I could “be there” for him from my apartment in the next town. These weeks he had his kids were a bit depressing. I had all this guilt for not going over, and this guilt for not making better use of my time when I didn’t go over. I tried to make plans with friends or do things that interested me, but then I felt guilty for that too. He even tried being understanding of me not coming over, but ultimately he still is harboring this resentment.
On top of this, he feels that the fact that he would come stay with me on his off weeks, meant that he was making all the effort in the relationship. He would get to my apartment before I was home and use my computer or have a drink and relax. I would get home and clean up and make dinner, or we would go out to eat. When he decided to do things with his friends at night, he’d usually tell me in the morning or give me a call during the day. Honestly, I was sometimes fine with it, but sometimes it caught me off guard and I felt rejected and left out. I also didn’t want him coming over after staying out too late drinking – and he knew this. (Previous relationship baggage, which he insisted had nothing to do with him.) Generally, if I had more than a day’s notice, I was fine with it; less than a day and I felt let down, disrespected, dismissed, devalued. To him, it felt like I didn’t want him to spend time with his friends. He just wanted to have balance, to spend time with me and with them. I felt like the short notice was punishment for not going over to his house. The issue here for him is a lack of balance, since he perceives much more effort on his part.
Second issue is that he apparently thought I made up pain. He remembers me taking two Prilosec a day at the beginning of our relationship. (This was because I was taking Advil regularly, both of which I’ve since quit. I am very active, and didn’t realize that Advil was slowing how my joints adapted to the training I was doing.) He was also training (marathons) and he certainly loved being babied. I never thought he was faking it! At the time, he never said that he didn’t think my pain was real, but he was not sympathetic to it. He thought it was selfish of me to ask him to rub my back when it hurt. He only thought it was fair if I rubbed his back immediately after he rubbed mine, regardless of the fact that this would undo any pain relief. (I am hypermobile. I never thought much of my roaming aches and pains, and never thought I shouldn’t mention if my back was hurting or my knee or ankle or shoulder or whatever. It comes and goes. Sometimes I have a month where things get worse. Thankfully, I finally connected some flare ups to my diet, so now I hurt a lot less.) So – my ex brings up my pain as a thing. I don’t even know what to say. I guess he would have me be more stoic, but I really don’t get why it is a dealbreaker.
Lastly, my accident, being hit by a car, suffering a brain injury. He thought I was making up, or exaggerating, the pain and disability. He knows my mom died of cancer and sees this as the beginning of the end for me. My prolonged recovery didn’t help. He is afraid of the lack of balance, of always being my caregiver. He says he often feels like he has to take care of me, and he resents it. His therapist, our previous couples therapist, tells him he doesn’t have to take care of me.
He says that these things put him past the point of no return. That he can’t be the partner he knows I deserve, or that he wants to be.
Typing this I just feel more strongly. Am I expecting too much? Is this just a communication problem? He said he needs to separate, move apart, so he can reset, so he can even possibly be the boyfriend or husband that he wants to be, to me or to someone else. He says he doesn’t expect me to wait for him since he is making this choice. He wants to be friends. I told him that I can’t be the one to support him through this. That the validation and love he wants from me, and the love that he wants to share with me, will not be there. That this is his choice, and that once we aren’t living together I will not be staying in contact with him, or contacting him for at least years. He said that he hopes this isn’t so.
Please tell me what you think. This is such a mind-tumbler for me.
Unisolated, I'll be frank that it's hard for me to pin narcissism on this guy. Maybe, maybe not. But clearly he is not happy with the prospect of being a caregiver, nor does he really seem to get much reward out of making you happy. While as his partner you have your challenges that he needs to take on--dealing with pain is hard--you don't strike me as being selfish or demanding. It could be that he truly is a narc, just not interested in having to give to a partner at all. Or it could be that he's not, and is just scared of commitment and the demands that come from any relationship. Regardless of which it is, it does seem like he is unable/unwilling to meet your reasonable needs. It's also true that it's not healthy for you to wait for him, so I'm glad you're both on the same page on that. I also agree with you that "being friends" isn't going to work...it never does. That just sounds like him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. Long story short, go with your instincts on this one, let him go, take care of yourself. I hope this is helpful...this is just my take and someone else may have other advice!
The more I process this, the more disgusted I am.