my husband is a recovering alcolic and drug addict. i found a his journal he used in his recovery program. he went through the 12 step program and i read his 4th step part. this part is the resentment part. i found so much about my husband that i did not have a clue. after i read it i called him on the phone and he knew something was wrong. i told him that i read and he was mad of course but i think he was more embarrassed and ashamed. i had no idea that my husband went thru all this stuff. but the issue is that he has left and he told me that he needs his space but i know he probably went to use. what and where do i go from here. i don't know if i can get pass some of the stuff i read. but i do want for husband to be alright. also i need to get some professional help to get me thru this. i have medi-cal insurance in calif. i feel so disgusted
Hi cilparker, Welcome to SupportGroups.com. The 4th step part you read is only meant to be seen by the person writing it. Then they usually share it with their sponsor or another confidant of their choosing. I know this is your husband but what he wrote in his 4th step was not meant to be seen by you. I can understand why he was upset by finding out you had read it. So now you have seen it and are upset. If you feel you need professional help then either seek a counselor or go to your doctor and they can refer someone for you. You may also check out Alanon and Naranon. These are groups for family and/or friends of alcoholics and addicts. These are the links for those:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.nar-anon.org/
There is also a forum on the site here for Family and friends http://friends-and-family-of-addicts.supportgroups.com/ .
Please feel free to continue to share with us. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))
I'm a firm believer that there are no accidents. If you found his fourth step and read then there was a reason for that.
I agree that al-aonon and nar anon are places where you will find the best help.
Good luck to you.
Being in a 12 step program, they are BIG with anonimity. This is very private stuff. Stuff he shares with a sponser only. You would not understand this because I assume you are not program. May I suggest a Alanon meeting. Alanon is for people who deal with addict alcoholic family members... husbands, wives, children, grandparents, etc etc in other words, anyone who is close. with this meeting you will understand anonimity, why a 4th and 5th step is done and perhaps you may need to do one yourself.
I would only assume your husband feels violated. Him opening up was steps for him to heal! Please DO NOT take his 4th step personal. Perhaps you found out some things and who knows, you may have trust issues now. Its not about trust, its about him changing his ways, has a conscience and getting help through a higher power and to heal and forgive himself and not act out like that anymore and also make ammends,. But if you really understood a program, you would be commending him rather than attacking or questioning or thinking he is doing something to you. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU. This is needed for him to heal.
Go to an alonon meeting and talk about it there. They will help you and it will be better than any counseling meeting.
Also, It is suggested after you arrive to ALANON, Please find a sponser and do the steps yourselves.
I promise you, if you do this, you WILL UNDERSTAND..
Just do it.
Hi Mary
I don’t think you understand. i didn’t attack him or question him at all. But I disagree with you that it isn’t about me. I’m his wife. Some of the stuff I read it was done to me. I need to heal as well. We all have issues. I have been thru so much. Yes there is probably others that have been thru more than me. But this is overwhelming. When I went thru is step book I didn’t know what it was at all. Yes, now I know I should go to Alanon meetings after he told me. It sounds like you have experience with this. I don’t. He attacked me. I didn’t know I wasn’t suppose to read it. Now he holds this against me. I haven’t talked to him about 5 days. He won’t answer my calls. Its funny how addicts use any excuse to use. I don’t know if he has used but I’m sure he’ll blame me if has. I hope that one day he’ll take responsibility and realizes that it not always about him.
i dont know what to say that wont sound angry and unsupportive so i wont say what i reallly want but let me offer this.
as a spouse of an addict u r in the dark quite a bit and with out doubt become very frustrated with many things.
wondering what the whole truth is can take it's toll i am sure.however personal is personal and u crossed a line and if your husband went to use i am sure it is to overcome the humiliation he must be feeling though i hope he realizes that really a huge weight has been lifted by your actions.no one is perfect and no one walks the earth unashamed.it is ashame when a marriage has to fall apart.
u should find him and apologize b4 something really tragic happens that cant be reversed and u will have to live with the rest of your life.
i do hope reading his fourth step does not spiral him out of control.good luck and remember what u did was wrong but
if he uses it is not your fault,dont carry that weight he used long b4 u ever read his journal whether he likes it or not it is the truth.as a wise man with 40 years of sobriety told me.when u r getting clean be honest,but not too honest.
I don’t feel like it was my fault for reading it. I didn’t know I wasn’t suppose to read it. He has left the house. Maybe because is humilated. But ironically I feel humilated and ashamed too. He has been gone for 5 days and won’t take my calls. I hope he doesn’t use. I wasn’t anger about any of the things i read. I was definately hurt. I didn’t attack him or critized him at all. Actually when I read it. It made since of why he uses drugs. Not an excuse but I understand. All I can do now is pray for his safety.
I wish you would say what you really feel. I won’t take it personal. Again i didn’t know i wasn’t suppose to read it. When I was reading I had know idea what it was. He never told me any of the things that he was doing in the 12 step. I think it is unfair that i’m getting condemed for something that I didn’t know nothing about.
any one out here on suboxone?
I AM SORRY WOMAN WHO READ HUSBANDS PERSONAL WRITINGS BUT I BET U DID NOT JUST FIND THAT LAYING AROUND ANYWHERE AND HOW U COULD BE SO STUPID AS TO READ IT AND THEN CALL HIM AND TELL HIM U READ IT IS JUST TO HARD TO BELIEVE.
NOW U WANT A SHOULDER TO CRY ON,WELL YOU'LL HAVE TO PARDON ME IF I FIND THAT ONE A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO SWALLOW.I AM BEGINING TO THINK THIS IS NOT EVVEN A TRUE STORY.IF IT IS U HAVE TO BE THE MOST CLUELESS PERSON IN THE WORLD.DIDN'T KNOW U WERE SUPPOSED TO READ IT,YEAH OK
You know you sound pretty hypocritical. I explained that I didn’t know anything about the 12step program. And it journal was in my car… What you don’t understand my husband has alot of stuff lying around that he writes in. How could i be so stupid to call him and tell him that i read it. Why wouldn’t I. I didn’t know I wasn’t suppose to read it. Didn’t I explain that??? I’m not looking for a shoulder to cry on. I’m trying to salvage my marriage and get some understanding in what part I play as a wife of an addict. I don’t drink or smoke. I have not did any drugs in my life. This is all new to me. So don’t judge me. Don’t speak on something if you don’t have all the facts. You haven;t walked in my shoes. Are you a recovering addict? If you are it seems like you have anger issues. How can you be so anger at someone you don’t even know. You’ll be in prayers.
Hello,
I am back and sorry I havent been in touch. Wow this looks as if it got out of line. I am checking in to see if you are ok.
I hear you, what you read hurts. I so understand, but please understand his 4th step was for him to heal. For your husband to work on issues and to change. Then for his 5th step dumping it and the couple of following steps ask for forgiveness and pray. not all in that order but it was a coarse in the 12 steps he had to take.
I am not sure what is happening with you or your hubby but I hope you both are ok......
Please respond with an update or email me personally.
I would love to help or be an ear for you.
Mary
What I think you should do is be his wife. That is what you signed up for remember? For better or for worse. Try being by his side instead of taking this opportunity and bailing on him. Atleast he is trying to better himself. There are alot of things in users past that we wished we didn't do and regret doing it. We just try to better ourselves everyday and I think if you can't stand by his side through the thick and the thin than maybe he needs to find a woman who is more down for him. Sorry i'm just being honest.
I certainly know how you feel. I think support should be positive not all this negativity you are receiving. If you read the steps so be it. Whether you should have or not is certainly not the main issue at this point. We all make mistakes and do things we shouldn't. He wouldnt be in a program if he were doing the things he should be doing right? So fair game in my opinion. I'm looking for clues for my husbands actions everywhere! If he wrote a note on an egg in the refridgerator trust me I'm reading it! As women sometimes its hard to keep quiet about what we do find. All women search whether intentional or not. We empty pockets from clothes, we pick up receipts and read them. We do. If he spirals out of control and ends up using again - not your fault. My husband is missing in action too and I know how very hard it is to wait for the phone to ring or him to answer your calls. It's sad and lonely and you worry non-stop. Do know I will not make you feel bad about your truth. For how can we help each other with support if we make one another feel bad for telling the truth. I've never been thru a 12 step program I don't know what all the steps are. If you feel as though you crossed the line with reading it ask him for forgiveness when you do reach him and put it behind you. Ask him to help you understand him better. Yes, he hurt you. Yes, he probably will again. We can do better as wives to be strong for them when they are not. As you said to pray for his safety and for God's will in his life be done. Until he reveals himself to you - forgive yourself too.