My Whole Story

Well here goes. I am 42. When I was 16 my parents were getting divorced. It was very confusing and there was physical and verbal abuse involved. Well I ran a way with this guy twice my age. It was a shock to alot of people because I was very shy and quiet. I found out that I was pregnant and belive it or not I didn't know that having sex gets you pregnant. I was with other guys before sexually and it didn't happen. (when I got my first period I thought I was bleeding to death; my mom never explaned it to me) Of course my family thinks I left because I was pregnant. Anyways he was verbally and physically abusive the last time she saw him she was almost 4. Doctors think that she might have been sexually abused by him. At 4 my daughter was diagnosed with PDD (autism) and phychosis as well as many other problems. she is also learning disabled. She would go into rages and I would have to restrain her. she was always in the psych hospitals,My way to deal with it I was anorexic and bulimic. I was also in physh hospitals throughout the years for the eating disorders. Well present day, my daughter is 24 and I am trying to get her in a group home. I cannot physcially or mentally take care of her anymore. I am getting to old. It has been hard trying to find one for her. My boyfriend of over ten years I want to leave. I don't know why I stayed with him all these years. At the beginning he was a drunk and physically abused me. now he verbally abuses me and is starting to throw things and threaten me. My family I can't turn to they don't understand they are messed up. My grandmother who I was close with died a few years ago and my sister came in town; she always hated me and she thinks she is better than anyone else well she punched me in the face that Christmas; my mother wasn't even there when it happened and she wants to blame me because I am the screwed up one that ran away and got pregnant I have no one. The last few years I have been in and out of the hospital intensive care for my asthma; scary when you can here the hospital staff surprised that I made it. I wish one of those attacks killed me.Why didn't it. Well, I constintaly mastribate and I do it so much it is affecting my life is that is all I want to do and sometimes I am late for appointmets because I am doing it.I really want the real thing. I have been so frustrated it is killing me. When I was in my early twenties I used to have sex with my male friends and alot of guys used me when they needed it to cheat on their wife or girlfriend. Recently I got involved in a scam. I was on FB and I really didn't go on it much anyways about a month ago I opened my messages and some guy sent me a message in November saying he liked my smile. I started talking to him. Things were going so well I thought he was my easy way out. He was going to fly me to London to live with him ... it all came to an end when he started asking me for money. There were so many signs that he was a scam and I was so stupid I ignored them. I am having a breakdown from this. for some reason i miss hearing his voice and talking to him. I think about him all the time and I know he isn't who he says he is. This came at a bad time because I am dealing with my boyfriend and my daughter. My family Ican't go to they just ridulce me and I guess I will always be the bad one in the family. I know I am writing to much but this is actually helping me bottom line is I want to get the guts to kill myself. I want to die. I am mad at myself that I can't bring myself to do it I cry all the time too many things are going on I am so alone I am so done with life. What is the easiest way to kill yourself? thanks for listening

Riley, don't give up. I fully understand what you are going through. I have gone 3 days without masturbating and looking at porn. I know I did it because it took my mind off the bad things in my life. It was as if time stopped while I was desperately trying to feel something positive as I got myself off. I have been late to places too. Constantly in search of the right photo or video to get off too. Almost in a trance like state and then as soon as I cum the shame rains down on me and I immediately can't even recall what video or picture i was looking at. It's like I have been popper out of the time warp and I'm back to reality. Only now my problems haven't gone away. They have in fact gotten worse (Because I am late going somewhere, or I have delayed the problem and it has worsened. Now I have to addr4ess these same problems feeling drained, and shameful.

It, for me, is just a means of sticking my head in the sand. Part of you wants to beat this. Hold on to that and build on it. You have had a hard life but you are self aware and that is an asset. Keep your head in the now and make the best decisions you can. I would try and find a therapist or visit a mental health center. Find a support group. Support is key.

I wish you luck. I fully understand how you feel. I am in this with you

Thanks for understanding. My problem, is that I don't need to look at porn to get off. I just have to think about having sex in my mind. I even get off if a guy talks to me on the phone, I think that is why it hurt so much that that guy was fake. It was actually nice to get off listening to a real person than with my mind. I read a little about you you sound like me. I am also 42 and my siblings, cousins that I was close to all have families, kids, married. My sister that I don't associate with just got married and is pregnant. Now she has more ammunition to make me feel like a looser. I have never been married and I had a child young out of wedlock so I guess I am a disgrace to my family even more now. That is why I just want to go away where no one knows me. I am not close to my family anyways and I just get more depressed if I have to deal with them. I think the only way I will be able to live without killing myself is to get away from everyone and start over where no one can judge me. Therapy doesn't work for me or hospitalizations they make me worse. I feel bad for you that it is hard for you to get therapy. When you do I hope it works for you. I feel a little better knowing that someone else has a similiar sex problem who is my age. We can probably help each other. good luck, sounds like you are doing good with your control.

iam so sorry for thats happened to you and still happening just remeber none of it is your fault i think you did die with asthma because theres something you have to do before you go well thats why i think iam not dead yet so just hang in there youll find out what it is soon enough i never used to beleive in fate but i do now and think i always will stay strong and find a way out of you situation try to find a shelter for battered women i really dont know anything about them but i beleive that will help you to start finding the right direction