My wife of almost 4 years told me she wanted a divorce back

My wife of almost 4 years told me she wanted a divorce back in may. It's been a very rough and difficult road. I have a daughter and 2 step children. I barely get to see the step children anymore. We haven't even filed for divorce yet. I moved out in July. In the past couple days I had a ton of rumors that I've heard confirmed to be truth. She has had sex with at least 5 different partners and has a boyfriend. She denied every one of the rumors, of course. She has become a entirely different person. Everyone has said this. Even her friends don't recognize her anymore. I know that we are on the road to divorce but it still hurts so bad to know that she has betrayed me in this way. She couldn't even show me the tiniest amount of respect and just wait until we are divorced to pursue any form of a relationship with other people, as she promised in the beginning of this process (I also feel stupid for thinking that someone who can't uphold the vows she made to me would be able keep a promise). I'm disgusted every time I think about it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get past this sickening feeling. After everything was confirmed I confronted her about it. She said "people grieve in different ways and I don't expect you to understand" she has no remorse for her actions. Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm so lost. I'm 25.

1 Heart

Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is heartbreaking. I would go to counseling. Take care of yourself. Get rest if you can, eat if you can, and exercise. Focus on you. Just a quick question, do you think she could be using drugs? Her extreme and sudden personality change seems sketch. Something's gping on there.

1 Heart

No chance for drugs when all of those partners happened she was about to start a job at Goodyear. They did a hair follicle test. She got the job so she isn't on drugs. I've heard from some people that she was this way before we started dating and got married. I had heard rumors before but the sources of those rumors were sketchy and told to me in highschool. I did however bring them up in the beginning of us talking and of course I had no reason to beleive she was lying back then.

1 Heart

I've been trying to focus on me and my baby girl. I have her 4 nights a week. I wish I just had her full-time. It's downtime at work, after her bedtime and basically any alone time where I am consumed with thoughts of what she's done to me and my kids.

1 Heart

Ok. Wow. I have no idea. I am so sorry. I know the pain is real. Maybe she has sociopathic tendencies.

1 Heart

Possibly. I honestly don't think she knows what healthy behavior is. The person I found everything out from said she was very proud of the fact that she didn't cheat on me during the marriage before she asked for divorce. And from what I've heard her current relationship is awful. I'm always wondering why did she leave me and become this person she is now. We didn't even have huge problems with our relationship, nothing a little work couldn't fix.

1 Heart

I guess it's probably somewhat normal feeling the way I feel. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Im scared that I am starting to become depressed. I have some family to talk to but I have no friends anymore because of all of this.

You need a good therapist for support. Someone who can not only listen but give you helpful tools to get through this difficult time. Go online to therapistfinder.com
You can even search within your area, if they accept your insurance, read their bio's .... etc

I'm sorry your going through this. I know it is painful.
Sometimes these drastic shifts we see in someone we love destroys our confidence in everything....
it can shake our faith in relationships.. in trust... in our own perceptions...

but people are flawed.. damaged... she was damaged long before you ever met her... and NOT that this is any excuse for her AT ALL... but damaged people will damage other people.

They do it because they are messed up. they do it because they are lost or vacant or looking to sooth or deny internal pain. They do it thoughtlessly... they do it and they are actually self-sabotaging.

You have no choice now but to face who she is ... not just who you believed her to be... or the things that you shared before... now is now.. it's horrible but you can't change or help another person...
they must want to help themselves. It's nt your job to fix or help her.

So make yourself the priority!
Do it today.
Start today.

Find a good therapist to help you navigate this.
Eat well, try to sleep, take a multi-vitamin each fay and also *** a B12 and Magnesium for stress, reach out to friends and family for support.... DO NOT isolate yourself... exercise... go for walks...
feed your heart and brain with goodness... kindness. love and comp***ion..
you need to have so much self love and empathy to make it through betrayal...
but it is entirely possible to restore yourself... it takes time, patience, self-love, commitment and so much effort.... but believe in yourself... believe it possible.. it will take a long time.. but it will happen...
you will heal, you will survive this and hopefully one day... in the future.. you will also thrive.

my heart and prayers....

3 Hearts

@findingfaith thank you so much for the kind words. You made a lot of good points.

Sounds like she decided to be selfish. Probably was nothing you did or didn't do. Sometimes people just get bored. They don't get that new relationship excitement anymore. She is looking for what she actually already had at home but was to stupid to appreciate it. She may figure it out years down the road. But she may never understand herself why she ran from your marriage. It takes two people working in tandem to make a marriage work. You may have been unevenly yolked. If one person is a lot smarter, a lot nicer looking, come from a very different background, have vastly different t views of life, love, the world, ect... That is being unevenly yolked. It will never ever work.

2 Hearts

@Cherokee We were definitely unevenly yolked. She had a bad upbringing and always talked about how she wanted to make sure she didn’t live her life that way too. But she definitely isn’t trying to be better.

Yes and even if she triesim the future she will go back to her upbringing. The only people who really change learn to love themselves and to forgive themselves. That usually takes a lot of counselling. It's hard to see what we are doing wrong until someone points it out. Then it is hard to accept it. We make excuses, we negotiate, everything except accepting the truth and changing.

1 Heart

@Cherokee she went to counseling a few times and gave up because it was bringing everything to light. Couldn’t handle facing her past I guess.

The pain of this is amazing. Sometimes if I didn't have my girls I would just rather be dead. My W left me without a word 4 mos ago and I haven't had any contact with her since. Why do people do these things? Because people can be cruel & heartless. There are a lot of good people here with good advice. I am not one however as my W's leaving me has left me a mental cripple

1 Heart

@Sgerard I’m sorry to hear that. Did she leave the girls with you?

My girls are actually from a 1st marriage and I have total custody of them. Which is all that is keeping me going at this time. Their mother pretty much abandoned them rather than working on her issues after the courts gave me custody. Now they talk on the phone but no more in person visits, we live in PA she lives in FL as last time she tried to take off with them. She carried on a 13 year affair our entire marriage with her boyfriend from high school.

1 Heart

@Sgerard wow man. That’s rough. Glad those girls have you. How did you get past that betrayal? Or is it still something you’re dealing with?

I was actually very happy with my 2nd W she was the world to me but she couldn't take me being insecure. The problem is I still believed in our vows and would have never stopped just reassuring her, she however, did not possess the ability to empathize. I may have driven her crazy but I would have never left her.

I have insecurity issues as well. I completely understand what your saying.

She has a lot of her own issues that she refused to deal with. I always make excuses for her but seriously this is a woman that actually put me and my 2 girls out of "her house" it was "our house" when I first moved in with her and sunk $10K into making it livable for all, but anytime we argued she threw us out threatened to call 911. In May my car was being fixed and she threw me and my girls out with our belongings in garbage bags. I had to move in with my parents. We got back together for 2 mos and then she lied got a PFA so the police had me removed. Thankfully family is close by. She had her daughter contact my daughter and tell her the house was in foreclosure so I send her n email asking her to let me help her save the house. She takes the email to the police to show I violated the PFA and for the 1t time in my life I get arrested and spent a night in jail. Yet this is the woman I want so badly.