My wife physically can't have sex

I want to have sex with my wife. She wants to have sex with me.

The problem is she phyically can't have sex with me without excruciating pain.

She has seen a gynecologist who told her the problem is she's really tight and she just need to practice stretching. The problem is, as she says, that no matter how much stretching she does she still experiences pain during intercourse and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. She's been at it for a few months now. It's too big of a peg for too small of a hole, as she put it, and the hole doesn't seem to be getting any bigger.

I tend to think it might be some form of vaginismus, but she said that's not it. She can comfortably fit in tampons, she doesn't have a history of sexual abuse, she's not having any spasms or anything like that.

As far as penises go mine's about the average size, around six inches, so I don't think that's the problem. Besides, the vagina was designed to comfortably stretch and accommodate various sizes.

She doesn't want to see a bunch of specialists because that means a lot of poking and prodding in personal areas, and if she has to endure that she wants to make sure whatever treatment is offered works. It is difficult to encourage her to see someone about it when she has this attitude. My opinion is unless she continues to seek help, how is she ever going to get better?

So there is the clinical problem. My other problem is emotional in nature.

This has had a negative effect on my marriage. I can't help but have a lot of negative, ugly thoughts. In some ways I resent my wife and regret ever marrying her. I find myself wishing I had married someone else, and sometimes idly consider divorce-though that is not something I ever want to do. I have contemplated having an affair, mainly for the sex. These are all thoughts swimming around my head that terrify me, because I want to have a good, healthy, strong, lasting marriage.

It frustrates me that she isn't more proactive about seeking treatment, but I can understand why, considering how invasive it is.

She experiences a great deal of frustration too. Despite being horny, there is nothing she can do about it. It is one of her biggest desires to please me and make me happy, but she can't without experiencing a tremendous amount of pain.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. We've had alternate forms of stimulation-oral sex and masturbation, but that's still not as good as intercourse. It doesn't solve the problem. I can encourage her to seek treatment, but there's no guarantee they will be able to fix the problem, and she's not exactly gung-ho about it as I mentioned before.

Anyway, that's my dilemma, one of the biggest ones I'm facing right now.

I'm not sure what is going on here, but it isn't good.

Is this a NEW problem, or has it been going on throughout the marriage?

I am not a sex therapist or a shrink or anything, but I am sure you guys ARE horny!

She needs to go and get this checked out. For both of you.

This may sound really crude but is she just really tense do you think? Was her upbringing one in which sex was thought of as "wrong"? If you can get her in the mood more....I dunno....a glass of wine, a massage, etc? This is gonna sound even worse, but.... KY warming gel....it's a good thing... ;)

Best of luck...this is a serious thing and it is gonna hurt your marriage if you guys don't get it straightened out...

seek consuling together to get to the bottom of the problem i no they do a lot about foreplay rather than the sex act itself orientated things leading up to the big moment. is she comfortable in her own skin ie nude?

its such a problem when that department is going wrong and yes its is normal to have nasty thoughts, but have u tried seduction? candle light mood music and wine might help u with the ky jelly on hand to assist as u massage your way to victory

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

It sure isn't good. We've been married about six months and it's been an issue from the very beginning. You can imagine what a crushing blow it was to have this happen when trying to consummate the marriage.

Yes, we're very horny and ready to go at it, we just physically can't right now.

I agree she needs to get it checked out. Problem is she's seen one person already who told her it was just really tight and that she needed to stretch it, but after months of doing this she hasn't seen any results. She's very hesitant to see someone else because that's a lot of poking and prodding down there.

No, she's not coy about sex at all. She isn't tense or shy about it, and has a healthy attitude toward it. She just experiences unbearable pain when I try to go into her. Setting the mood is good, but it doesn't work when she's completely dreading sex because of how painful it is. It makes the schmoozing a bit hollow. And lubrication isn't the problem, we know that for sure.

Yeah, I agree that it's serious. I just don't know what to do. It's such an awkward thing to bring up. She hasn't mentioned it in over a week, when we had a fairly serious discussion about how frustrating and depressing it is.

Counseling's a good idea, but sex is such a private thing that it's difficult to put into practice. As I said before I don't think foreplay and setting the mood is the issue.

A doctor who specializes in sexual disorders among women is what we need in my opinion, so we can figure out what's wrong with her. How to find that is beyond me.

I'm pretty upset about it, and I know I should talk to her about it, it's just hard because it's so frustrating and depressing and we don't have the answers.

hi

its natural to be upset and find it hard to talk to her about something u have both been looking forward too.

but on a positive note asking around im told that if its tight it could all be down to trying a different position and therefore gaining the slackness u require, because some of the positions are designed when the tube is squashed due to baby on board or illnesses. they suggest the doggy position or u cuddling her and her top leg over your body (top leg)that way u can still stimulate and hopefully penetrate.

its not a disorder and im reliably informed that for some women who have narrow hips this is quite common a gyne doc would be able to help her, as they are geared up to deliver babies so do the calculations for birthing thru the tube, therefore it could just need a nick to release the tightness of the skin as sometimes its still connected and doesnt allow the tube to have full movability/stretchability.

i hope this gives u some other ideas and more hope meanwhile i will continue to enquire about this delicate situation

keep smiling we will get there

loving thoughts and positive vibes

hi

ive got some funny looks this morning but i found out that this problem has a name (amazing what the library can do) its "dyspareuia"

i all so found out there is a website with info on the condition so u are spared going to the library to look it up

www.sexualityandu.com or if u cant get it up that way put the name in www.ask.com im not too good yet at these web links so i dont always put the correct address down.

sorry about that but as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

So you actually waited until your wedding night to 'consummate' the marriage? I admire that. I didn't know people did that anymore.

Which brings me to this- she's a virgin, is that right? I mean otherwise she would have been aware of this problem before you - or before your marriage - and you, too, would have been aware of it. Not that that might have made much of a difference if you loved one another, but still.

Anyway, if this is physiological, what about a tilted uterus? Does she have painful periods?

I am a 36 year old virgin as well, I was afraid of having intercourse because of tightness and pain.

Sorry, I shouldn't be speculating on her problems, I should be contemplating yours.

I don't blame you for the resentment. I would be resentful too. Especially if I felt she wasn't making the effort that she claimed she wanted to make. All talk and no action, in other words. However I will blame you if you continue regarding it as difficult to bring up, so difficult that you instead let it fester, next thing you know you've signed up at Ashley Madison, and your relationship is all but over.

One thing seems evident, and that is that she needs another medical opinion. Am I the only one who thinks that doctors' orders were to go home and 'stretch it' seem just a little odd? Yeah I know it means more poking and prodding and I know I've never had to endure the humility of the stirrups so it's easy for me to say she needs to get back on that horse so to speak, but she does. And you need to tell her that she needs to do this.

You're at a crossroads in your relationship. Either make open communication and talking about the difficult or uncomfortable stuff a habit in your marriage NOW, on this topic, or you're setting yourself up for a poorly navigated marriage with poor lines of communication down the road.

Ross

I posted a reply here http://www.supportgroups.com/journal/healthy-sex/not-going-to-cheat

ross

after spending the morning in research of this problem, i should have thought of the well woman clinic first its a simple proceedure so common in fact its done as day case surgery. (a slight cut perenial wall) apparently its done millions of times at births.

i do think its strange that the doc didnt take any more details i was asked about depression anxiety underlying health problems and i was only enquiring into the problem not the one with the problem.

there fore i think an honest and frank discussion is needed betwn u both so that u can get to the bottom of this, i found it easy enough to find info when i got going and most of it was simple not complicated to understand with several solutions depending on the degree of narrowness,stretchyness.

hope u solve your problem

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Splendid idea on the well women clinic. Recently I was having some female problems. In searching online for an obgyn I ran across Specialty Physicians Women's Center. That is where I went to. I was given the option of a male or female doctor. I chose a female doctor. Fortunately this center is located near me. You may check around in your area and see if you have something like this available. Also if you don't get results with one doctor - always get a 2nd or 3rd opinion. Of course, it does help if the person needing help is willing to go to any lengths to get it. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

Ok. It seems like she does have some form of vaginismus. Maybe you can try this website for some treatments.

http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-treatment

Good Luck to you both.

Good news: a few days ago we had a pretty good, in depth conversation about the topic after we'd been avoiding it for a while, which helps tremendously. She's made an appointment to see a OBGYN, one who's recently out of med school (her last appointment in February was with an older doctor, the one who said it was tightness and told her to stretch) and is supposed to be good, so hopefully she can provide some answers. We've got a pretty good list of symptoms down, more knowledge than she had for her last appointment. She told me it's like going to the dentist, when you know it's going to be unpleasant so you put off going, but you also know it's something that needs to be fixed. So anyway, here's hoping.

Hi chasethosecars, I am glad that you both were able to talk about this. Communication is important to a marriage. I am glad to see she has made an appointment with an OBGYN. Hopefully she will be able to find out what is going on and be able to get help for it. Keep us posted. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

That IS good news, great to hear it, I hope her appointment goes well and that your marriage improves as a result. Good luck!

Ross

I admire you both for waiting, and I admire you for turning to this support group. May I inquire as to what happened?

Yeah, sounds like you needed a second or even third opinion. There are lots of reasons why your wife is having this problem but needs to have everything taken a look at and maybe see a specialist. A general Gyno maynot be privy to everything that your wife is going through or might not have the background info, preparation, or knowledge to help your wife. Also Dr. Oz on channel 5 had a few episodes that covered this topic I'm sure if you research going to his sight online you can find some helpful information or places where the two of you can seek medical help or guidance in this matter. You'll find a solution. Your wife is a lucky lady to have such a loving devoted hubbie. Good luck to the both of you, you'll get to the bottom of this:)

She saw a doctor who seemed to have some good insight. I didn't understand all the mechanics, so to speak, but I kind of got the idea. Basically there's a muscle up against a bone that isn't relaxing . So she gave her some lanocane numb the pain. So at the moment entry is still painful but after I'm in she can't really feel anything in there so it's definitely an improvement. She still doesn't enjoy it very much but she likes making me happy, so it's a step in the right direction.

well hon thats great news

im so glad u continued the journey and dont forget u can make it more enjoyable for her by stimulating her before hand,

try different positions so she can have max enjoyment as well as u

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes