Narcissism, Please help me, to help another

Hey all been a while...

I am dating a guy now much younger then myself, so issue one...

But it does not really bother either of us so... Except the issues of wanting a family later...

SO...

He is narcissistic.

We bacame best friends over here in CHINA, he is also american.

Hanging out we started feeling for each other. not a usual thing for me...

Well, one night he obsesses yet again about the Models in the Clubs and the one that would not dance with him before.

At this time we did start sleeping together but were still just friends. and BEST FRIENDS.

that night he came to my house and told me he fell in Love with me BUT .......... He could not because he has these obsessions about, the usual high school things, wanting to be sexy and get the models and popular girls and be as good as the jock. to put this into a nut shell.

i knew he had issues and well bad ones, and now 3 months later. We did start dating but...

He is self centered and obsessed over his father who cheated a year ago on his mother and him turing out like him if he does not reach this GOAL, of them validating his fantasy of self worth.

we do talk about it often and I study him.

we did fall in LOVE but there is always this hanging over him and US...

ADVICE PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!

He is and will end up in a bad place one day and I am not sure how to help him. I am trying and he has reached some goals but NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.

Quite frankly here in CHINA I have been considered the MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORETTE and such and well, the one people want to know and so on... Seriously, hehehhe, I am not blowing my own horn. I have a Good Club and Networking social life here. Free Drinks at Clubs and Greeted by many when I go places. Im a networker. BUT MIND YOU !!!!!!! That all comes at a price as well. I have been Stalked and harraseed many times by men. I am NOT GREAT OR PERFECT But I accept who I am Good and Bad and LIKE ME ! Ok not love but like. Not to Stupid and ok smart and so on.... So I do ok in that area, but again not all think it is... I was alone several years, NO Boyfriend or like... UNTIL NOW....

SO....

What do I do... ???

We became best friends, then lovers and the whole time ended up falling in LOVE... But probably not a forever story and I have limited time for family and such and he is younger so issues here that are real and need attention.

But his OBSESSIONS are so .......
His needs are so ........
and his goals are so not obtainable ........
he is out of high school and this is the real world.

He is kind to me and gentle and giving but...

Talks end up about HIM, His needs and so on...

He fear becoming his father whom is suicidal now and a cheat....

He can not make real commitments to a simple, ok we are dating now Months, so lets decide do we put a time limit on this or can we just see where it goes and be happy like we are now and let the chips fall where they may. he can not even commit to the abstract....

Moving in together well, and it would be great we are always together and at one or the others place and LOVE being together. We found PEACE in each other and some really STUPID Clichie things, but we fit together, My Issues and his... We accept each other and really care. I know the difference....

He is so consummed by his GOALS and NEEDS I am left out and this selfish only child and me thing of Fantasy Ideas of Validation and wanting to be the jock guy that gets the popular girls is well, ruins many moments...

Im older so I can understand I have been many places in my life, known many people and been many coountries and so on... I study people and myself, especailly now...

WELL.

PLEASE HELP and ADVICE a LOT PLEASE !!!!

We are in China and NO GOOD DOCTORS for this here.

Thanks all and I WISH EVERYONE IS HAPPY and WELL THIS HOLIDAY !

My First real Christmas this year !!!!

Oh he also takes many compliments as a NEGATIVE THING...

Like I said OH You eat CUTE...

When we are my place and i cook he seems at peace eating and has cute habits.

EVER say cute to him is like calling him somtehing nasty and so BAD........

He is also adverse to being touched in certain places, feels funny.

Sex is ok but not quite right. he seemed detached in the begining, now is better but ????

hey No one,

first of all, i love your status :-)

re your bf: im not really sure what you can do, i have never dealt with narcicism myself.
is he aware of things being as severe as you describe them? have you asked him if he considers himself having a problem, other than his fear to turn out like his dad?

what you described in the end about how he feels about compliments, being touched, etc. is pretty much how i am too. and i think the only way to get out of this for him is to learn to accept himself. i have intense self hatred and i know all compliments in the world wouldnt change that unless i start looking at myself differently. positive self affirmations may help here. maybe suggest that to him?
or generally, if he wants to change things, he could reach out to a group (if available) or try some selfhelp books?

xxx

Maedi

Thanks and yes I do,. I am therapist and concellor and more so often.

But his self Needs and Care and neglect hurt a lot.

I stand by him, help him, but our relationship is hurting some. His needs mean more then me, he told me that day one !

keep the advice coming Please.

Please KEEP HELPING ! ALL !!!

Narcissists are emotionally insidious, manipulation is amazingly effective, your typical strengths such as love, compassion, hope, faith, caring, open and sharing nature... are tools used against you with them.

id describe them as vampires who are experts at faking human love and empathy. You may suspect it but not believe it and many around you will dismiss it or even enable the narcissist unwittingly against you. Yet, only in the extremely painful end does it all become apparent.

This all sounds so reactionary, absurd, alarmist and implausible but you REALLY need to educate yourself about narcissists. Especially, if you suspect youre already attached to one.

one final note... before you take advice from someone id ask... have YOU ever experienced a narcissist yourself? if not, keep walking. Narcissist are hard to imagine and believe. Like a black hole, we know them by the destruction they leave behind.

1) Start here
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxTddQM-d08

2) Excellent Narcissism Videos
>http://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin

3) This is an absolutely OUTSTANDING library of narcissists
> http://samvak.tripod.com/archive01.html#Narcissism_-_The_Pathology

4) Join this great site
> http://www.allaboutrecoverynetwork.com/

This guy sounds like trouble for you. He doesn't want and he hasn't given you any commitments about anything and still tells you he looks for hot chicks. In the end no matter how much you give him it won't be enough because you aren't enough to soothe his narcissitic need to have something better. Do yourself a favour and find someone who will love you, not only himself. I'm sorry if it hurts but he's just using you until something better happens along and then he'll repeat the same process with her, if she lets him. YOu deserve to be happy without all the unanswered questions and the knowledge that even though you and he are together he is still hunting for some elusive hot girl. Cut your losses and find someone who will love you for you and not just as an extension of himself.

life is too short to be caught up with this type of person, u will always play second fiddle to their needs and sadly they have nothing to give in return

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Hello, are you still in China? I would love an update :)

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