Nature or nurture

I haven’t posted here in a while. I haven’t needed to, which has been nice. But today…today has me wondering. My ex was a narcissist. And i used to wonder how i let the relationship even happen. Is there some sign I’m carrying that says I’m weak, pick me? And how, please how, could i let go on for so long, get so bad. I begin to see…

I started moving in with my boyfriend about a year ago. At first commuting back and forth and then finally making it permanent. He and i have been working on my house to get it ready to sell. I told my mother (who has lived with me for about 15 years) in November 2022 that i was planning on selling. I was going to list May 1st. 6 months. I gave her six months to find a place. September 2023 i finally paid her to move out. PAID HER. After she finally got a place, she was slowly removing her stuff. Slowly. I gave her a final date to have everything out and told her she needed to take any of her stuff she didn’t want to the dump.
I have spent the last 3 weeks clearing out everything she left behind. Everything from actual trash, to gifts i had given her over the years, broken hangers, food left in the fridge… you get the idea.
Last weekend i went to get my Christmas decorations. Today was my first chance to go through them. She took all the ornaments. Almost all of the holiday knicknacks. And left me with a bunch of random crap.
She lived with me for 15 years. A lot of stuff wasn’t really mine, but it wasn’t really hers either. It just was right? I’m trying hard to understand that. But why couldn’t we go through it together? Have a conversation about what was important to each of us?

Leaving my ex began opening my eyes to the facts i have struggled to ignore for so, so many years. I let it go on so long because…I thought it was normal. I’ve lived it since I was a child. I’ve had friends since the narc that have pointed out that our Mother/daughter relationship is not what it should be. But she’s my mother you know? But I’m starting to really see that she’s not a MOM. I’m 43 years old, why does that hurt so much?

I have always know that my anger is out of proportion. Any anger aimed at them right? Total overreaction on my part. Right now I want to just trash it all. But I struggle with throwing it away…because she might want it. Some of the stuff she couldn’t reach to go through. And I’m just so MAD. Mad at her. Why couldn’t she just be kind? But mad at me too. Why do I keep letting it go on?

1 Heart

I go back and forth myself, my mom can be so kind when I am sick, like what can I do for you, but other times it is like I don’t exist and the whole thing with my sister, she just wants me to make it right even though I don’t even understand why she is mad. All this to say, we want our moms to love us, care for us and put our needs maybe not first, but not last. You mom is baiting you, don’t fall for it, get rid of everything, put it by the garage and take a picture of it, text her it is going to goodwill, but you wanted to give her one more chance in case she accidently wanted any of the things she left behind. As to the Christmas stuff, start over with your boyfriend, maybe he has nice stuff already, if not, work on getting nice decorations and ornaments together. Hugs.

1 Heart

Hello Echo80. Your kindness to people that are close to you is amazing. I can relate to others taking advantage of you, from my own past and current experiences. First thing, accept the fact that you are in control of yourself and you are doing an excellent job. I suspect that you have an ‘everybody is good’ belief, or something close to it. My belief ran along a similar line and basically confused the genuine people, whilst giving others, like friends and family, opportunities to capitalize upon my kindness. Let’s say that I offered help to both types of people and genuine people were puzzled by my offers, while the opportunists knew exactly what the deal was and complied to the full extent of my offers. Well, if this fits your behaviour, my remedy may help you deal with the cause, being a condition called parasitus support. I just invented the word parasitus, because it is appropriate.
People are all different. Each individual has a unique perspective, all eight billion of us. So please change that value which dictates you must help whoever. Learn to discern the differences between genuine people and parasites. I expect this will be hard initially, because you have a lifetime of parasite abuse. Also, you will have to work out what the genuine people actually want, if anything, from you.
Now I’m going to become your close, close friend and say "YOU CAN DO IT’. Way better than anything else that you have done in your wonderful life. YOU MATTER. Spare nobody from your examination of current friends, family and work associates. All current interhuman activities needs to be cleansed. This exercise is enpowering.
The skills you about to engage in are learned by taking action. Make tons of mistakes and push through your fears, regardless. You will become worthy of self-love, kindness, strength, purpose and admiration. Do me proud Echo80.

1 Heart