I never realized I was meant to be alive until I was almost gone. I was sooooo sick from "bulimiarexia" that I was skin and bones and my potassium level dropped so low I would have daily hand and leg paralysis. A routine blood test revealed my potassium at 2.9 and I was sent to emerg. By the time I got there it had dropped to 1.7...so low I shouldn't have been alive. Within 30 minutes of getting to the hospital my heart stopped and I had to be recessitated.......I believe it was the beginning of my journey to recovery and made me truly believe I have some purpose in life to fight for. It's been 3 years now and everyday is still a struggle. Will I ever be normal?
Wow... That is a close NDE... Sometimes it amazes me as well what I went through, as well, but I can't imagine having to have your heart resuscitated... I have been outwardly abstinent now since 2006 when I got out of treatment, but it still amazes me that I am here as well... Maybe my purpose is to sing (I like singing)! :)
Katie, that is an awful experience to have gone through, albeit a necessary one to help you to accept/be open to recovery. I am not in recovery, but I can say that I certainly hope one day ED's voice wont be quite so loud or with me 24/7 analyzing every single thing I do...I wish to be ME again more then anything in the world...a normal, simple, happy life free from ED is all I could ever hope for, one day we will get there, we just have to stay strong and believe ♥
It's true....we just have to fight! Like I said...I know I am in here somewhere, but ed won't let me be who I want to be. I want to be able to do ANYTHING without the worry. This experience haunts me everyday. I go to sleep every night thinking about it. I have extreme anxiety now because of this and have been put on meds. Anxiety and OCD have also taken over, especially since I stopped purging.
I have ocd, anxiety, and depression also....sucky!!
How do you cope? I can’t stand the pressure…I have to do the same thing at the same time EVERYDAY…whether it’s what a eat, where something is put, or the piece of gum I chew. I know it’s ridiculous but I can’t help it!
I can relate, it's just difficult for me to relay what I'm thinking most of the time as I don't have a full grip of what all happened to me... I do know that I had gotten so low in weight that the hat that I cannot fit on my head now was floppy around my ears back then... I know that my grandmother's church was praying for me, apparently on a constant and consistent basis (this they told me afterwards) and that taking the little bit of med that a psychiatrist tried to put me on almost killed me, at least that's what I thought... My friends came the next day and prayed with me.
I mean, if I'd never gone into treatment, I would've died, they almost didn't except me in there because my weight was too low, but they said that "since it was the weekend and the doctor wasn't there and if I would gain a little" they would... The treatment team said later that they used to watch me walk around and shake their heads, because for all intensive purposes, I shouldn't have been walking... I'm adding this, as other shares are helping me to remember, I know that showering was difficult for me, everything was difficult and made me nervous that I'd "do something wrong", I had forgotten how I was unable to shave, I remember why for my armpits because they were too small, but not for my legs, maybe their was no hair... The experience there with the family counseling and the unconditional love of others was what got me well. The medicine helped with my OCD and anxiety, I had to stay on that for a year. Everyone told me, "take the meds", especially difficult for me since I am an orthorexia and we can't stand anything manmade or unnatural. I now cope by going to meetings and having friends to call... It's difficult, though, because with orthorexia, nobody knows if I'm slipping, I even forget... Just because I'm eating food doesn't mean that I'm abstinent. I just figured out that cutting out my cereal was a part of my disease. Go figure!
hi katie
i have not been that sick but i have depression and anxiety. here are some things that i use to cope:
1. journaling
2. art work
3. reading
4. playing games
the one thing that i am working on is my art work for maggie and gina. i did maggie something and sometimes it helps to express yourself through anything. i hope one day we are all strong and keep moving forward
amazing ...thanks so for this.
i almost died from ana also. from 2003-2005 i went through a rollercoaster of horrible symptoms including paraylasis, numbness, not being able to walk, move my limbs, talk even, think, walk in a straight line, pain was all over my body--i couldnt eat from the pain in my stomach and my heart was going out of my chest. i was ana/mia back then--bulimic and anorexic. my weight dropped sooo low if i had got any lower i wouldnt be here... my hair fell out, my skin tunred grey and i ended up homeless cause i was too sick to care for myself.
it was awful, hideous... the pain was beyond anything i could ever describe...
i ended up in a nursing home cause i couldnt move, i was kinda comatose in a way cuz i couldnt shower by myself( i needed nurses to hold me up i was so weak) and i really couldnt walk or use my arms( i had to learn to walk again).
it was----beyond pain. finally they gave me help and fed me and gave me medical treatment---and luckily i braved through!!!! i really wasnt supposed to live. i just made it... they told me at the rate i was going, if i hadnt came to them within 6 months id be dead..... i was already dying there.... luckily they caught me in time...
i have arthrtis from that time, and stomach ailments now ... to this day even...still cant use my arms that much.
so we were meant to live for a purpose --to find life beyond ED and beyond weight obsession...that is our purpose---to find life and happiness in life itself rather than weight or ED....
im so happy you lived and thanks for sharing...
let this all be a lesson to all of you out there who dont beleive EDs are fatal ! yes, they are!
love
maureen
wow, what amazing posts!... I kept gravitating to this post for some reason... It's because I have had a hard time remembering what had happened to me because I had experienced so much anger from some in my past for me having been so sick, like as if I had done it on purpose, so I've had my head in the sand about my memories...
It's amazing me that you all made it out the other side of what you went through! What incredible spirit!
Hearing what everyone else went through helps me remember more details of what happened to me so I can tell my story to others, and to want to do whatever it takes not to go back there... Plus, I love the coping recommendations...
I remember in treatment they had us do these cards where we filled out the back and front; one with the short- term consequences and the other with the long- term consequences of certain behaviors, in order to inspire us not to do them. This post reminds me of the long term consequences... I did cards for restriction (even, I have to remember that restriction for me is rejecting something because I think that it is unhealthy, it sounded weird to me at the time, and still does even now), one for Indecision, and one for wanting to cleanse, I think... What I put as some of my short- term consequences was: 1. loss of daily life; 2. loss of fun in the present moment; 3. loss of time; 4. loss of self- love, I think, I don't remember it all... Maybe we could even start a thread for what we would put on Relapse cards! I'd be curious to see what others would put.
Thank you everyone for sharing your story.....you are all very brave :) For me, that was the turning point in my ed. I never had to go into treatment and did everything by myself. It took years but I was able to bring myself out. I gained back some weight and stopped purging. I am still underweight, control my calories excessivley, and suffer from OCD and anxiety. I am, however, pretty healthy now. I have normal blood test results despite the low hormones from being underweight. I have not had a period since my ed and am suffering from infertility. Despite being underweight my doctors have told me I am definatley healthy by their standards. Would going into treatment have helped me recover quicker and more successfully? I don't know....but all I do know is that I am in a much bettter place now than I was. This is what matters the most..